"Then we'll choose him back. That's how family works." She pats my shoulder and turns back to the dishes. "Now go make sure Caleb isn't trying to dig up the entire backyard looking for dinosaur bones again. He had that look in his eye earlier."
I laugh and head for the back door, my heart lighter than it's been in weeks.
Jay met my family, and he fits.
And maybe, he's finally found the home he never had.
The home we both deserved all along.
Chapter 50: Jay
The ride home feels completely different. Everything looks brighter, more vivid. The trees are blazing with fall color, intense reds and yellows. The wind in my face is cool but not cold yet.
I can't stop thinking about them.
Caleb's face when the lawnmower roared to life, his eyes going huge with wonder that I was actually able to fix it. Diana's hesitant voice as she timidly showed me her math homework, the way she trusted me enough to admit she was struggling. Destiny's sassy confidence that she'd be the first person to live on Mars. Rosalyn's southern cooking that reminded me I was in a home even though I've never had one of my own.
Ivan has a great family now.
Family.
The word keeps echoing in my head, taking up all the space.
I've never had one. Not a real one. Not one that counted. Foster homes didn't count. Those were just places I stayed temporarily with people who got paid to tolerate my presence until they didn't want to anymore or until I aged out or got moved. The closest I ever came to family was Ivan, huddled together in Henderson's barn, two broken kids pretending we could protect each other from the monsters. And even that got ripped away.
But today, sitting at that table with Rosalyn and the kids, watching Ivan laugh at Caleb's jokes and help Diana with fractions, I felt something I've never felt before in my entire life.
I felt like I belonged somewhere with other people.
Not temporarily or conditionally.
Maybe permanently.
The feeling is so foreign, so completely new, that I don't even know what to do with it. It sits in my chest like something alive, something precious and terrifying all at once. Because now that I've felt it, now that I know what it's like to sit at a family dinner table and be welcomed instead of tolerated, I can't unfeel it. I can't go back to not knowing what I'm missing.
And that scares the shit out of me.
Because what if I lose it now? What if I screw it up the way I screw everything up? What if Rosalyn changes her mind about me? What if the kids stop liking me? What if Ivan realizes he made a mistake bringing me into their lives?
The fear is almost paralyzing, but underneath it is something stronger.
I'm probably too old to be wanting a family to love me, but I still do.
I want Sunday dinners at Rosalyn's table. I want to teach Caleb how to change a tire someday, how to fix things with his hands. I want to help Diana with her homework when she's stuck, watch her face light up when she finally understands. I want to be there when Destiny figures out how to reach her goals and cheer her on. I want Rosalyn to look at me one day the same way she looks at Ivan, with pride and love and the kind of unconditional acceptance I never thought existed.
I want to be part of them.
It's almost dark by the time I pull into the Vista Inn parking lot. I probably pushed it too close—riding in the dark isn't smart, the visibility is terrible—but I couldn't make myself leave earlier.
I take the stairs two at a time, my legs shaky from hours of riding. I fumble with my key, my hands still cold from the wind, and barely get the door closed before I'm pulling out my phone.
Ivan answers on the first ring.
"You made it," he says in relief. "I was starting to worry. It's already dark out."
"I made it. I shouldn't have cut it so close, I know. But I made it safe." I'm pacing the small room, too wired to sit still, too full of energy and emotion. "I can't stop thinking about today."
"Good thinking or bad thinking?"
