I crossed my arm across my stomach. “You saw I called, and I know you read my messages.”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I couldn’t reply. I was sortin’ shit with Bree and dealin’ with my boys.”
My heart sank. “You couldn’t find the time to shoot me a quick message?”
His silence said everything his words didn’t.
The weird thing was, I didn’t need to come first; I didn’t even expect to. I knew he had two kids who needed him, and it was only right that they took precedence. I loved him so much that I would’ve taken scraps, but he wasn’t even throwing them at me, and it was sad because I’d gone from being a proud, strong woman to a girl who was grateful for getting far less than she deserved.
It was crazy how low I’d stooped for this man.
Silence thrummed through the line like a living palpable entity. It made me want to lob my phone and watch it smash into tiny pieces just to stop the echo of my own heartbreak pounding through my ears.
“Let me explain,” he asked, his tone almost pleading. “You’re going back to Hambleton tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah,” I breathed, knowing instantly that he’d been checking in on my messages and calls again. In a way, it made me feel better. As weird as it was, he may not have called me, but he cared enough to stalk my damned phone.
“Come to the clubhouse,Dubheasa. We’ll talk. I’ll explain what’s been happenin’. I’ve got a lot goin’ on, but I don’t wanna close things down with us completely. We can circle back when things calm down. It’s there for me, Ash, but I’m gettin’ hit from all sides, and I’m strugglin’ to find the time to give you.”
My breath caught in my throat, and my mind blanked except for one thought.
I’d always find time for you. No question.
And there it was, the massive elephant in the room. The power in our relationship was unbalanced. I couldn’t keep choosing a man who wouldn’t choose me. I saw the good in him, and I forgave the bad because I was so desperate to hold on.
I’d never stop loving him, but it was time to love myself more.
“I’ll come,” I told him. “But it will have to be tomorrow night.”
“That’s good with me, baby,” he said huskily. “Message me when you’re on your way, and I’ll meet you in the parkin’ lot. We’ll go out on my bike, find somewhere to get a drink, and talk.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “See you tomorrow.” I didn’t wait for his goodbye; instead, I disconnected the call and looked down at my cell phone, weighing it in my hand.
I hated how just hearing his voice made my resolve slip. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but at the same time, I was too afraid to speak the words, because the consequences of them would change everything.
How the hell had I ended up like this? I was accomplished, smart, and I knew my own mind, but I let him walk all over me. Pagan was the man I wanted, but it couldn’t be at the expense of my peace of mind and my self-respect.
I slipped my phone away and headed up to my apartment, where I knew Mam would be waiting for me to spill the beans. I wasn’t wrong because she was waiting for me in the kitchen area of my living room with a cup of steaming hot Irish tea in hand, which she handed to me in silence as soon as I walked in the door.
“I’m seeing him tomorrow night,” I declared.
She nodded, but she also kept her mouth shut.
“You think it’s a bad idea, don’t you?” I asked flatly, taking the cup from her and sliding onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
“I think it’s time for those boundaries, love,” Mam murmured, picking up the other cup of tea from the counter and taking the seat next to mine. “You’re a shell of the girl you used to be. You don’t laugh or smile anymore, and it breaks my heart because it’s obvious how unhappy you are. You’ve passed every test he’s thrown at you. Now I think it’s time for you to set a few tests of your own. Stop being his doormat.”
I rubbed my temple, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I don’t know how it happened, Mam. Somehow, my attempts to be understanding and prove I could be there for him turned into something else.”
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
“See what tomorrow brings,” I replied, taking a sip of tea. “If Pagan tells me he’ll do better, I’ll give it a go, but if I get more of the same bullshit, I’ll walk.”
“You should run for the hills,” Mam advised.
My forehead creased. “Why?”
“You’re in there, Aislynn; you’re under his skin. Now you have to show him what you’re willing to take, but more to the point, what you’renotwilling to take.”
