She nodded approvingly. “Good. Remember what I told you, Aislynn. It’s all a test. He’s tested your commitment, and you passed. Now he’s testing your boundaries. Make sure you draw a line and stick to it, or else.”
“Or else what?” I asked.
“He’ll think you’re like every other woman he knows who does his bidding, and he’ll lose respect for you. He’ll find an excuse to end it after that.”
“I’m holding on by the fingertips, Mam, and it’s hurting me,” I whispered.
She smiled sadly. “Then let go and see where the cards fall. Sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It just means you’re setting boundaries.”
Maybe that was the moment my grip on Pagan loosened. It wasn’t just that I craved him (though I did). It was the daily ache of not having him in my life. The knowledge that I didn’t matter enough for him to shoot off a message was screwing with my self-esteem, especially when he was all I thought about.
I could have ignored him and told him to leave me alone, but every time I tried, he came back after me with a vengeance. Perhaps it would have been easier to cut him out of my life, but nobody ever talked about the grief that came with doing it, or how hard it was to stand by a decision you never wanted to make in the first place.
However, now I was beginning to see that there was no other way. Holding on to Pagan Sinclair was brutal, and it was slowly killing me.
And enough was enough.
—————
It wasnine o’clock by the time we left the restaurant. Tristan and Maeve were going straight to the airport to catch a flight to Rock Springs where Donovan was picking them up, and Mam was staying at my apartment overnight and driving back to Hambleton with me the next day.
I’d finished work, but I had to go to my Grad school and see my professor before he signed off on my projects. I’d also applied for a couple of jobs in Denver, so I was loathe to give my apartment up straight away. The rent was paid up for a couple more months, and I had enough in the bank to cover me for longer if needed. The Sketch Group had been more than generous with their payoff, and if I decided to stay in Colorado for work, then I didn’t want to move.
After saying our goodbyes and seeing Mae and Tris off in a cab, Mam and I grabbed an Uber back to the apartment. I half expected Pagan to be there, but I knew he wasn’t as soon as we pulled up outside.
It was a kick in the teeth because he knew I’d finished work today. I’d mentioned it on one of the WhatsApps I’d sent him that had been read but gone unanswered. I’d already made my decision to end things, but a tiny part of me couldn’t help wishing he’d turn up on my doorstep, explain his silence away, and soothe my aching heart.
“Come on, love,” Mam urged. “I’ve brought some Barry’s tea bags with me. Let’s go put the kettle on.” We got out of the taxi and headed toward the main door of my building.
That was when my phone rang.
I fished it out of my purse, not expecting it to be Pagan, so when I saw his name flash up across the screen, my heart leaped into my throat.
Mam must have noticed the expression on my face because she held her hand out and said, “Keys.”
I passed them to her and watched as she turned and disappeared into the building before clicking to answer the call and raising the phone to my ear. My greeting was subdued to say the least. It was weird how, in a matter of hours, I’d gone from despair from not talking to him, straight to dread because I knew what I had to do.
“Congratulations, Aislynn,” he murmured. “You did good.”
I squeezed my eyes closed to stop the onslaught of tears and whispered, “Thanks.”
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Okay,” I replied.
A brief silence ensued, and then he said, “I got caught up in stuff with the boys and their mom. I’ve been out of town?—”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, effectively cutting him off. “You don’t need to explain, Aiden. I’m over it.”
“Don’t say that,” he muttered.
I let out a quiet sob and bowed my head. “I’ll be straight, honey. I love you, but I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“Baby,” he croaked.
My heart clenched painfully. “You’re hurting me.”
His sigh was audible as he cut out, “I know, but I’ve got shit goin’ on here that’s takin’ up all my time. Shit happened with my ex, and I’ve been back and forth flyin’ to California, seein’ to the boys, and gettin’ them settled here. I haven’t had time to do shit.”
