“I’m just not used to having anyone in my space,” I explained. “Especially a guy.”
He glanced at me. “Didn’t you grow up with three brothers?”
“Yeah, but it was our family home. By the time I hit my teens, Callum and Donovan were gone.”
He prodded the food in the pan with the spatula. “Are you close to them?”
I leaned my elbows on the counter. “I used to be really close with Tadhg, but since he went off to race cars, I’ve gotten closer to Callum and Donovan. Da’s passing weirdly brought us all closer together. We all check in on each other a lot more since he died.” I stole a quick glance at him and asked, “Do you get on with your brother?”
He began to plate the food up. “Don’t really know him. Kidd seems okay, but we don’t have a relationship, more because of me than him. The less I have to do with my sperm donor, the better, so it doesn’t make sense for me to build a relationship with my half-brother.” He poured me a glass of wine, picked up a plate, and moved toward me, taking the seat to my right. “I don’t concern myself with shit that doesn’t serve me, and believe me, babe, that old cunt never did a thing for me or mine. Dunnie’s a damned loser. He’s gotta good woman, Gail, who helps out around the clubhouse in Cali, but he still fucks other bitches every chance he gets. Dunno why Gail sticks around; she can do better than a deadbeat part-time insurance agent who’s never grown up in the sixty years he’s been on this Earth.”
“Insurance agent?” I asked.
Pagan cut into the huge steak on his plate, his lips twitching. “Yeah. He’s a club brother but doesn’t work for them in an official capacity. I can only assume he’s a useless piece of shit who can’t be trusted with a position within the club. Honestly, I don’t think he’s that well respected. He’s a close bud of BigDaddy’s, so he probably uses the boss to stay relevant. Who knows?” He lifted the fork to my mouth and ordered, “Eat.”
I opened my mouth and took the food from the fork, chewing slowly.
Pagan’s dark eyes dropped to my mouth, and he smiled.
“Why so pleased with yourself?” I questioned.
“I like lookin’ after you, baby,” he replied simply.
My heart fluttered, and I swallowed my food, watching as he cut himself a big piece of steak and shoveled it into his mouth.
“You’re a good cook,” I stated.
“Didn’t have much choice. Had to either find my way around a stove or survive on Ramen noodles and Pop-Tarts. Never been a fan of processed shit, so I found an old cookbook, stole thirty bucks outta my mom’s wallet when she was comatose on smack to spend on food, and made my first spaghetti and homemade sauce. It turned out good, and I caught the bug. Most kids spend their green on computer games. Mine went straight into the local grocery store’s cash register. After a few weeks, I got friendly with the manager and took a job as a delivery boy after school and on weekends. Earned my own money and got my staff discount, along with the use of a van.” He chuckled softly. “Thought I was the big man.”
“It was good of the manager to take a chance on a young kid with no experience,” I murmured.
He smirked and forked another piece of steak into his mouth. “Oh, I dunno. She got somethin’ out of it too.”
It took a few seconds for the meaning behind his words to hit me. Pagan used my shocked silence as an opportunity to hold up another bite of steak and ordered, “Eat.”
I stared at his face, chewing and contemplating everything Pagan had confessed, and I wondered how he could be so matter-of-fact. He was so calm and accepting, as if a mother neglecting her son for drugs was the norm, and a schoolboygetting a job to then have his manager take advantage of him was just another day at the office.
It wasn’t normal, and it wasn’t right. There was no bright side or silver lining in anything Pagan said. The fact was, he was abused as a child, and he’d grown up in circumstances that no kid should ever have to experience.
Of course he was damaged.
Who the hell wouldn’t be?
What really blew me away was that after all of that emotional pain and suffering, he was here in my apartment, feeding me, pouring my wine, and spoiling me, when all I wanted to do was put my arms around him and soothe his pain away.
And okay, so the circumstances that brought him here were weird. He’d fucked my boss up, then ghosted me, and then spanked my ass raw when I didn’t fall at his feet while making me feel things I never thought possible.
But I didn’t hate it.
Deep down, I loved it, needed it even.
My soul knew there wasn’t another man on this Earth who could make me feel the way he did.
So, it didn’t matter if I found him overbearing and bossy. It didn’t matter if the violence that simmered underneath all the ink and muscles scared me a little (even though I’d never admit it). It didn’t even matter that I knew one day he’d wreck me, or that I was going to give him the power to do it, because within a few days, he’d made me feel more alive than I ever had before.
My mammy told me something shortly after my da died that resonated. We sat at the kitchen table, and I told her I was worried about how she’d carry on without him. My mam looked at me with the saddest smile, and in her soft Irish accent, she’d said, “Daughter, if you’re lucky, one day you’ll find an epic love, just like I did with your daddy. It’ll be your reason for getting up in the morning, for getting through the day, and forwanting to do it all over again the next day and the day after that. It’ll fill your soul, and your hearts will beat together for a time. However, my beautiful girl, sooner or later, you’ll lose it either by death or destruction, and again you’ll be changed because you’ll have to find a new reason to get up and find a different way to live your days. You’ll be empty, but you’ll still be grateful you had it because, for a while, it was your reason for being.”
I never understood it until Pagan walked into the party at the Lucky Shamrock and turned my world upside down.
