The raw pain that flashed across his face took my breath away because it mirrored exactly how I felt inside. I straightened my back and steeled myself against the ache in my heart.
He jerked a nod, turned around, and disappeared into the party without a backward glance.
And in that moment, I learned a hard lesson.
Getting the last word didn’t always feel like a win.
CHAPTER 21
PAGAN
Elbows to desk, I bit back a groan, holding my head in my hands while wishing I could go back twelve hours and say no to the half a bottle of whiskey I’d consumed because I was in a snit with my woman.
After I left her standing in the dark beneath the flicker of string lights and the shiver of a Wyoming spring breeze, I reached for the bottle and was still wasted five days later.
The only reason I’d even gone to the wedding was to see Ash. I hated the thought of not being present at a big life event. In the future, when we were spending time with her family, and they reminisced about the day Callum got married to Maeve, I didn’t wanna be the odd one out. I wanted to feel part of something and to be included in her life.
Fuck knows what I expected. It wasn’t like, after everything that had happened, Ash would just fold for me again. It wasn’t like I had any chance of rocking up and sweet-talking my way back into her life.
The second I caught sight of her at the wedding, all the rage and bitterness I’d been running on for weeks melted away. I talked to different women just to see if I could bear the thought of getting to know someone else, while also trying to get areaction out of Ash. I knew I was an asshole, and I knew I shouldn’t have expected much from our first real talk since the drama, but instead of taking it on the chin, I doubled down on the whole asshole act and made myself even more of a bastard.
The way she looked at me when she caught me with Saskia played on repeat in my head so many goddamned nights that I could still feel her heartbreak. I should have explained then. I should have dragged her back into the clubhouse, tied her to a chair, and made her listen to me, but my stubborn pride stopped me.
Maybe I always knew she’d end things eventually, and it was my way of forcing the issue. I mean, she was amazing and smart and so fucking beautiful that sometimes when I looked at her, I couldn’t breathe. So it begged the question…
Why the hell would she ever wanna be with a fuckup like me?
All night, I’d proved her right to hate me because I’d gone back in and flirted with her goddamned cousin. I was so mad with her that I’d danced slow and sexy with the woman and angled us so Aislynn had the perfect view of everything.
It wasn’t even about making her jealous. The truth was, I had something inside me that was so broken, and so raw and jagged that I used it to cause pain to others.
Except all I ever did was hurt myself.
I’d gotten so drunk that Castle had to sneak me out, put me in his cage, and bring me home (alone). I woke up the next morning and was so pissed at myself for fucking up again that I reached for another bottle and continued my bender for the next five days.
I’d stopped drinking the night before, checked on my boys, and gone to bed. This morning, I’d woken up and drank coffee instead of whiskey before hitting the gym and pounding the punch bag until I puked up the alcohol I’d consumed the day before.
The taste of whiskey still burned the back of my throat, reminding me of every bad decision I’d made since I’d been in Wyoming. My brain felt like it had been put through a blender, and my actions spun around my mind until my head hurt.
Over the day, as the haze of alcohol disappeared, something hit me.
I was fucking up big time and ruining myself with my own actions and the black, twisted organ I called a heart, and I had to fix it. If I wanted a shot at mending things with Aislynn, I needed to pull my finger outta my ass and stop moping around.
I wouldn’t get a result without some action, so I had to start thinking with my head instead of my heart and especially my dick. I’d gotten everything I wanted through my own tenacity and brainpower, and if I wanted Aislynn back, I’d have to revert to my usual method of getting my own way.
Manipulation.
I looked up as my office door opened, and Rex and Rome strode through.
“You’re sober,” my oldest observed with a slight curl to his lip that was one hundred percent a trait he got from his old man.
I winced. “Yeah. I’m sober.”
Rome threw himself into the chair on the other side of my desk. “You hung over?”
“A bit,” I said warily. “Why?”
Rex perched his ass on the edge of my desk. “Wanna take us to the diner for dinner?”
