“Forge.”
Elsie’s voice only reminded me of what I’d done.What we had done earlier.Guilt came with it.Because I had been happy.How could I enjoy something when my mother was suffering?What kind of son was I?
“Go away,” I said through clenched teeth.
“I—”
“Go.Away,” I demanded, cutting off whatever she was going to say.I didn’t want to hear it.I didn’t want her understanding or comfort.I wanted to be alone.
When I didn’t hear her footsteps retreating in the grass, anger boiled inside me, along with the other agony churning there.“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”I shouted.
Why wouldn’t she just go?!Leave me out here in my own grief.I didn’t need a reminder of my mistakes.My weakness.
The sound of grass crunching beneath her feet followed this time.I stood still, holding my breath until they were gone.A hollowness settled in my chest.One I was familiar with.One that I deserved.I was losing my mother.There should be no moments of pleasure or joy.How could there be?For me to enjoy life was fucked up.Grief was all I should feel.
Thirty-Eight
Elsie
The heaviness, loss, and grief met me the moment I opened my eyes this morning.Much like it had the past three mornings.I’d made it through the other days, just like I would today.But I wasn’t going to allow myself to constantly strain to hear Forge’s voice or search for a glimpse of him.Not anymore.I had to stop.It was only making my nights sleepless and my days long and brutal.
The night he’d yelled at me to go away was the last time I had seen him.He wasn’t in this house, nor had he been back.Winslet had explained that his mother was home and no longer taking any experimental treatments.Kash and Cressida hadn’t been here either.They were staying at his parents’, like Forge.Oz and Winslet were staying here still, but Oz was gone a lot.
I wasn’t hurt or angry at Forge.I grieved for him.Wished there were something I could do, but knew there wasn’t.While he had been my distraction, reason to smile, I’d not been his.I wished I could be, but wishing never had gotten me anywhere.All I could do was silently battle through.
Yesterday, I had spent most of the day in my room, reading.It was easier.I’d found my day would go by faster if I read, and I intended to do it again today.
Waiting until everyone was done with breakfast before going down to grab a piece of fruit and water, then returning to these four walls was the only appealing option for me.
There was a heaviness that had settled in the house.Forge’s mother’s decision was affecting everyone.Sorrow was prevalent, and I was in the way.It was best to give them all space.Let them lean on each other and get through this.
Glancing over at the clock, I knew it was late enough now that the kitchen would be cleared out.I wouldn’t be bothering anyone or interrupting any discussions of what they were dealing with.If there was something I could do to help, I would, but I knew from my own experience that no one could ease your pain.Nothing made it better.
A sharp knock on my door interrupted my thoughts, and I turned around just as it opened up.The sight of Calvin entering the room sent me from shock to relief to a flood of emotions as I hurled myself at him.I let out a sob, not sure why I was crying as his arms wrapped around me.He was the only shred of home, life before, the me I’d been that was left.
“Wasn’t expecting tears,” he said as he held me tightly.
Me neither, but I didn’t try and stop them.For the first time in days, I let myself express what I was feeling.Because I was safe.This was Calvin.He loved me and all my faults.He didn’t have any expectations of me.He was my best friend.All I had left.
“You’re here,” I choked out.
“I am.You didn’t respond to my last letter.I spoke with Oz, and he said you were keeping to yourself, so I changed my flight.”
I fisted his shirt in my hands just to reassure myself this was real.He was here.His hand cupped the back of my head, and the security I felt was a balm to my soul.
“Thank you,” I said into his chest and sniffled.
“What’s going on?”he asked.“You seemed to be doing good, but you’ve taken a turn.”He pulled back some to look down at me.“Is it that everything has had time to sink in?”
No.They had sunk in.Deep.I hadn’t been in denial.I had grieved.A part of me would always grieve.
“I was keeping out of the way.They are dealing with their own pain right now.I’m an outsider, living in their home, and I just felt like my not being around would be easier for them to cope with things.”
Calvin narrowed his gaze.“They don’t expect you to stay in this room all the time,” he told me.“But I should have expected that from you.Never wanting to bother anyone.”He shook his head.“Always the little people pleaser.”
Reaching up with his hand, he wiped the tears from my face.“No wonder you’re a ball of emotions.It’s not healthy to stay locked away.”
That wasn’t it, but I would never tell him the reason.
