Walking back into my apartment, my brain is just as fuzzy as it was when I left Ethan’s. Maybe talking it through with Sarah will clear my focus so we can just move on with our lives, one way or the other.
Sarah is sitting on the sofa reading her kindle, she looks wary as I sit down next to her. I thought I knew what to say when I came home, but words fail me. Removing the paperwork from my jacket pocket I hand it to her, letting the words on the contract explain everything. This is so fucking surreal. I keep my focus on the small TV in the corner, noticing the layer of dust on it as the light streams in from the window, reflecting the smudges across the screen.
“I don’t understand. When did you get this?” she asksas I turn to look at her. The small scrunch in between her eyebrows conveying her confusion.
“I went over to confront him. Somehow it ended with him giving me this contract and suggesting we discuss it. After seven days the offer is gone,” I say, refocusing my attention back onto the TV like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen. The awkwardness I feel discussing whoring myself out with my wife makes me want to be anywhere else so I can pretend this isn’t happening.
“Leo, I thought you had decided not to do it. What changed?” she asks as I feel her small gentle hand grab mine, a comforting move as she strokes her fingers softly over my knuckles, and it does help calm my nerves. But it’s not real. Any tenderness from Sarah disappeared months ago.
“I just wanted to hear him out. Like you say, it’s a lot of money. I don’t want to lose our home and I want our marriage to work,” I say, letting the honesty roll off my tongue. It’s time to lay all the truth on the table. We may be unhappy now, but there is always hope.
“Leo, we’re in this together,” she says, resting her head on my shoulder. I slowly inhale her familiar coconut scent which wraps around me with the warmth of home, taking me back to the days in Ohio when we would cuddle on my sofa as my dad hummed around the kitchen. It’s the only thing about her that hasn’t changed, her coconut shampoo scent.
“I hope that’s true, but I’m not convinced. If I don’t do it and we lose our home you will resent me, maybe not to my face, but it will create a barrier between us. And if Ido it, how do I know you won’t use it against me in any argument? How do we know that you won’t be jealous or put off by me after?” I ask, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. This is physically the closest we have been in a long time.
“I’m a big girl, if you do this then it’s nothing but a transaction. I know it’s me you love, Leo. Besides, you’ve never been into guys so I’m not worried and it’s not as if you will ever see him again after. But I would never resent you. We could always move if you went through with it, we’d have the money to start again. Somewhere outside the city, a house with a garden so we can have our family. Hopefully enough room for your studio. We could have everything,” she says.
“I thought my sculptures were stupid?” I ask, as she has never encouraged me before. I’m not dumb enough to not be aware of her sudden change in attitude. Sarah always used different ways of manipulation to get her own way.
She pulls her head back so she can look up at me, I try so hard to see the woman I fell for.
“No, I just thought it was a waste of money and effort when we are barely floating above water. With that kind of money, it wouldn’t be an issue,” she smiles and gives me a gentle peck on the cheek.
Closing my eyes for what feels like an eternity, I dig up the courage to look at this logically. It’s just my body, not my mind or my soul. I can cut off mentally for a night, treat it like a one stand that means nothing. Pretend it was one big drunken mistake in order to get through it.
“Fuck it, okay, I’ll do it. Like you say, we can move away and it’s only for a night. Just as long as you promise you won’t hold it over me?” I say.
“I promise. I love you, Leo,” she says, and I can’t think when we last said those words. It feels nice, but my head knows it’s not true. I don’t think she loves me, and I’m not sure I even love her, but we can live in denial a while longer. This money could be what brings us back together again, re-ignite the love that’s been missing for so long.
“You too,” I say as we cuddle up, the heavy weight that was surrounding us suddenly gone, but is now replaced by another feeling. Fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of losing everything, including myself.
CHAPTER 15 - ETHAN
“How is the hotel launch party planning going?” I ask Lindy, our Portfolio Manager. We have finally got a hotel opening in France. Trying to find the right location has been an ongoing nightmare for the past couple of years, but after some pushing of a failing hotel, the owner finally saw sense and sold to us. I’m not a good man, so I don’t mind admitting to a little underhandedness and blackmail when it comes to getting what I want. After all, I learned from the best. My father. The financial business is a ruthless one if you want to be the best, although he would argue that everything he did was legal, always trying to portray he was a good honest man. All lies, of course. I’m not sure people would stay in my hotels if they knew how I expanded my portfolio, however when it comes to luxury and those with money, they most likely couldn't give a shit.
To celebrate this huge step into the European market, we are holding a party at our New York hotel. I’vestipulated that all staff are required to attend and because I’m not a total dick, we are holding a benefit within it to raise money for inner city charities. Other wealthy fuckers will attend to have their picture taken and to spend some of that hard earned cash while boosting their philanthropic image.
“It’s all going as planned. The hotel has been shut down for that one night purely for the function. All rooms are booked, about ninety percent have RSVP’d so we’re on course for a smooth event,” she says.
“Good. I want you to start searching for planners and designers for the France location as I want work to start as soon as possible. I will need you to advertise for a project manager over there to oversee all the work and to hire the best. I want you to narrow down at least five candidates that I will then interview with Jon,” I say as she makes notes on her pad. Jon is our purchasing company lawyer. I have known him forever as he used to work for my father too. One of the few people I have in my inner circle that I trust.
“I will start that today. Anything else?” she asks.
“No. Good job, Lindy. Let me know when you make progress,” I say. She smiles and gathers her notes before retreating from my office.
Getting back to the neverending stream of emails, I’m interrupted by my intercom, “Yes?”
“I have the mailman called Leo here who wants to see you?” Tina asks. A smile spreads across my face, “Send him in, thank you,” I say as I lean back to watch my gorgeous treat enter the lion’s den. I’m ravenous. Thedoor opens and standing in the door with a look of defiance on his face is Leo, his uniform does nothing but make me harder.
“Come in, Leo. Take a seat,” I say.
“I won’t be staying. Here,” he says, walking over and dropping the contract onto my desk with more force than was necessary. I grab it and scan the pages until I see his and Sarah’s signatures on it. A slideshow of images of how many things I can do to him in a night plays in my dirty mind. Before I can say anything, Leo keeps talking.
“You got what you wanted. But I’m only doing this for the money. I won’t pretend to enjoy it or that I want to be there,” he says, but it only makes me more giddy. I cannot wait to break that spirit.
“Fair enough, but I don’t think you will need to fake anything. I promise,” I say, unable to resist licking my lips as he winces slightly at my words. Whether it’s disgust or anxiety I’m not sure. But I really don’t give a fuck. He’s mine now, he just doesn’t know it’s for life.
“So, what happens now?” he asks, a little bit of his salty attitude broken by nerves.
