It's going to be okay, we will be okay. Just rest. Hold onto us, the boy in my head whispers, reassuring me.I let myself take comfort in his voice rather than fight it. Just like that he has taken over, I can’t stop him. He is my weakness, a part of me I can’t let go of. I am as controlled by him and the coping mechanism I have developed as I am by Jake. He makes me feel less alone in this prison that has been built around me.
I listen to the song on repeat until darkness takes me to rest in a place where nobody can hurt me. I’ll never allow anyone to see me like this. As the lyrics play over and over, I slowly relax, my breathing evens out, the tears are less, and just as my eyes begin to close, Lev is the last thing on my mind.
Aaron - 8 years ago - 16 years old
“I won't do it,” I say to my piece of shit stepdad.
“Yes you will, boy. You’ll earn your keep here. I’m too old to do it myself, and it's about time you man up and take responsibility like your brother does,” he scolds me.
He isn’t my brother, I want to yell back but hold it in. He’s an imposing figure, even though he’s useless, barely moves all day, and does nothing but drink, fuck whores, smoke weed, and pop pills.
“Well, let him do it, I want to make something of myself, not be a drug dealer living in this shithole the rest of my life,” I say. I don’t understand why they are pushing this on me.
I sense a presence behind me before I’m pushed to the floor. It knocks the wind from my lungs and a heavy body holds me down. It's Jake who always sticks up for his dad, and ever since I turned sixteen, he always finds an excuse to put his hands on me.
“Don't talk back, you little cunt.” Jake sneers, pushing my face hard into the dirty carpet. He has me in a grip I can't get out of. He’s only three years older than me, but is a lot bigger than I am from all the football he’s played. That stopped soon after high school when he redirected his life, which is now being the hard man of the streets, taking pleasure in controlling me, hurting me. Realizing that the older stepbrother you once looked up to is a sick fuck, fucking sucks.
“Now, get your shit together so we can go.”
He moves off me as I scramble to my feet, glaring at him. He grabs my wrist, pulling me with him, away from my stepdad’s laughter.
“That's right, you little pussy. Your brother will straighten that attitude out,” he shouts as we head out the door to Jake's car. He still has a firm grip on my wrist as he manhandles me into the passenger side, locking me in.
As he gets into the driver's seat, he starts with his tirade of verbal abuse that's becoming a daily thing, and it's breaking away a part of me each time. Long gone are the days as kids where he played ball with me, took me to watch his football practices, kept the bullies away, and helped me settle in when me and my mom moved in.
“You know, you only make it harder on yourself and you won’t get out of this. You will do as you're told, willing or not.”
Same shit, different day.
“Fuck off, Jake,” I bite out, grasping for some control.
In a snap movement, he swerves the car down a side street and comes to a stop.
“Jake, what the–”
Grabbing my neck to hold me steady, he backhands me across the face, and pushes me into the seat so that he can lean over my body. With the shock of the sting still echoing across my face, it takes a moment for me to realize how close his face is to mine. He’s never hit me before.
“Don't you ever think you can talk to me like that, you ungrateful little bitch. I am the one protecting you from what dad really wants to do with you, so you will obey me.”
He’s changed so much. All I see is hate in those blue eyes. He never smiles anymore, he’s an emotional desert.
I manage to scoff. “Protect? You call this protection? I call it abuse!” I shout.
He clings to my throat harder, restricting my breathing, making a swell of panic rise in my chest. This is more than his new usual. I’d gotten used to the insults, and the threats, but I never thought he would put his hands on me.
“Dear old daddy wanted to offer you out for other services, you know, put that mouth of yours to good use, but I convinced him not to, that you could deal instead.”
Icy repulsion and shock dump over me like a bucket of water. I know my stepdad and stepbrother detest me. Since my mom died, I have become an easy target, who do I have on my side? Knowing it sounds naive, I never thought this would be how far my stepdad would take it.
“You're lying!” My voice cracks in disbelief, and my throat closes, suffocating my air supply until I’m panicked for breath.
“I'm not, but I ain't sharing you. You're mine now, baby brother. I own you. You only have me to rely on now.”
Cold fear filters through my blood. Only him? Is he really all I’ve got? I notice a hardness against my leg. Holy fuck, he’s hard and he’s staring at me. His grip on my throat relaxes, but the queasiness in my stomach rises, leaving a bitter taste on my tongue. Disgust and shame run rampant in my mind. I'm frozen in time, unsure of what to say or do.
He pulls away.
“One day, Aaron,” he mutters under his breath. Those three words alone send a fear through me that I haven't even felt from his evil dad. I remain silent for the rest of the journey and do as I’m told.
