“You are mine now, baby brother. I own you,” he’d said. “You only have me to rely on.”
He repeated that to me so often that eventually it became true. I believed it.
His voice is like an army of ants biting my skin, and a strong urge to hit my head against something to stop the thoughts it conjures is overpowering. I want to peel myself out of my own body so that I don't have to share my mind with the boy trying to overpower my thoughts. Jake can control him, but I won’t let him have any piece of me.
With every last piece of strength I have, I manage to compose myself enough to answer. I come up with the only lie I can think of. “I was out having a drink. It's not fair I get singled out. I don't see Tommy around … you gonna call him out too?”
Frustration overtakes all reasoning just as the first punch hits my face, knocking me into the wall behind me. Before I can sink to the floor, my jaw burning from the impact, Jake pulls me back up and slams me into the hard surface of the wall where I can already feel the tenderness of bruises forming on my back from the force. The last beating was over a month ago. At least I’ve had time to heal.
“It's about time you remember who’s boss here. You are mine, and I will make sure you remember,” he threatens, pushing his forehead into mine. His breathing is coming in fast from all the adrenaline that must be pumping through his veins. He gets a twisted thrill from treating me this way, and before I know it, he punches me again in the stomach. I fall to the ground, and then the impact of his booted foot into my ribs takes my breath away. There's another kick to my back and I try to roll away from the onslaught of punches.
Shit, this one’s going to be bad. I can’t breathe, it’s like my stomach has pushed my lungs into my throat. Tears build behind my eyes, but he won’t have them.
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’ll all be over soon.
That chant repeats over and over as the young boy tries to soothe me. Another fist lands on my face, dizziness and a wave of sickness hit me like a freight train. I'm on the verge of passing out. I wish he would just kill me.
We just need to keep quiet. It’ll be okay. It’ll be over soon. Just hold on.
“Jake! Leave him alone man, that's enough. He knows now,” Shay shouts from a distance. Everything is starting to sound far away, like they are at the end of a tunnel, and my ears are ringing.
Jake’s above me, panting, watching me. My body screams with pain, my face feels like it has been lit on fire.
Curled up, broken on the floor, my resolve strengthens. I’m not going to be able to kill Jake myself, but he’s going to die. It’ll be like fucking Christmas for Lev. And me.
“Get him up and take him to his room,” Jake says.
I see his feet move away from where they were in front of my face as Shay approaches, squatting in front of me. My vision is a little blurry and my body is shutting down, trying to protect myself while also trying to contain the anger that is nearly at the surface. It’s an extreme contradiction, feeling weak but also crazed with the thirst of violence. It's hard to know which force is stronger, but that's what Jake does to me. He took all the sanity from me years ago, chipping away parts of my mind until I turned into this mess.
“I told you this would happen, you need to leave Aaron, please,” Shay whispers.
It's the first time he’s spoken to me with emotion that gives the impression he actually may give a shit about me after all. He places his arms under my back to encourage me to stand up.
As I move, the cry of pain bursts from my mouth of its own accord. The room spins and my ribs and face hurt like a bitch, but once I’m on my feet, I'm able to scuffle along with Shay’s help, to my room. He sits me on my bed before he disappears.
He returns with a first aid kit and cleans up the cut on my face, which I hadn't realized was bleeding, and then heads off again, returning with a couple of ice packs for me to rest on my cheek and ribs. Fuck!
“Why don't you lie down, Aaron, try to rest. Do you need anything?”
“Yeah, can you pass me my earbuds and phone please?” My voice trembles. I’m drifting away, struggling to keep a hold of my emotions. I need my music to calm shattered nerves. It's what I used to use and haven't needed for a while.
He passes them to me, with an attempt at a comforting smile and he leaves, closing the door behind him. The sound of the closing door is like permission to let myself give in.
My hands shake as I place the earbuds in my ears and press play on the one track that always helped as a kid when this happened at home. The songBlack Gives Way to Blueby Alice in Chains filters through the earpieces, and I curl up on my side until I'm comfortable, letting the tears stream freely down my face. My younger self reappears, the scared young boy in my head, baring his soul, begging me to hide away.
Come with me, he scares me. Please come with me and we will be safe together. If you hide with me, he won’t find us.
No, I have to stay here. I have to kill him. For us.
He will hurt us, please, don’t let him hurt us, he begs.
I have to do this, I say.I have to abandon the boy in my head so I can finish Jake, it's the only way.
No, please. Don’t leave me.
As I pull away from his voice, the fear intensifies, leaving me cold and terrified. I can’t do it. I can’t leave him. The very notion brings me feelings of extreme anxiety. I can’t catch a breath at the idea of him not being there. He is the only one who understands and helps me cope.
I cave, giving into his pleas.I’m sorry, I will stay.
