Benji punched him lightly in the shoulder, and then leaned over to kiss him. A small, tender press of lips that was somehow more intimate than any other they’d shared. “Let’s go back to your place, yeah?”
“Hell, yeah.”
Nerves had plagued him the entire ride back to Van’s apartment, but full-fledged panic hit Benji the moment he crossed the threshold, and he didn’t understand why. He trusted Van to be gentle with his body and his heart, so the fear made no sense.
Except it did.
I’ve never done anything remotely sexual with anyone except Joshua.
He liked blow jobs. He wanted Van to blow him. Hell, he was already half-hard thinking about it, but actually taking the steps to get there?
I need a drink or five.
Yeah, because the last time he drank too much had ended so well for him.
“Benji?” Van said. He and Joshua were both watching him from the other side of the apartment, near the bedroom door. Both curious, neither judging him. “Change your mind?”
“No.” That had come out like a squeak, so Benji cleared his throat and tried again. “No, I didn’t change my mind. Nervous, I guess.”
“Would it help if I got you going?” Joshua said, a familiar twinkle in his eyes.
The mental image of both Joshua and Van on their knees, taking turns pleasuring him, sent a bolt of arousal down Benji’s spine. Goose bumps rippled across his shoulders and neck. They hadn’t done that in front of Van yet, which of course made Benji blush, his face going hot. Being humped by Joshua was one thing; getting blown with an audience seemed bigger, more intimate.
And probably the first step he needed to ease his anxiety. “It might, yeah,” Benji said.
Joshua frowned. “Come here.”
Benji crossed to the two men, his stomach wobbly, fingers shaking.
“Talk to us,” Joshua said.
“I’m sorry.” Benji took each of their hands, needing the grounding touch. “I hate that I’m so bashful about this. I mean, it’s a blow job, not a livestream gang-bang.”
“Feel what you feel and don’t apologize for it,” Van said. “Talking to each other is what’s going to make this work. If you aren’t ready to take things further, say so.”
“I am ready, that’s what’s so crazy. My head and my heart know you’ll take care of me, it’s my stupid body that keeps reacting like it expects an attack.”
Van studied him thoughtfully for several long beats. “Do I remind you of Ritchie?”
“What? Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you were terrorized by someone you thought you could trust. Ritchie broke your trust, and then hurt you both physically and mentally, and those things leave scars.” He squeezed Benji’s hand. “I know in the car you said maybe you needed to be pushed, but I’m scared of pushing the wrong way and making you resent me. Or fear me.”
Benji turned those words over in his mind. Physically, Van looked nothing like Ritchie. Sounded nothing like Ritchie. After the horrific bullying incident, Benji had seen a therapist for a while, when his anxiety had been at its worst, but he’d never really considered that the attack had affected his ability to let his guard down around other guys, especially in intimate situations. He’d never felt unsafe around the guys in XYZ; he’d also never dated any of them. Same with Bobby and Andy in Fading Daze.
He let Joshua’s hand go so he could hold Van by the shoulders and really look at him. Into intense eyes brimming with emotions he was too nervous to name, because Benji felt a lot of them too.
I’m falling for him.
“The fact that you know my history and are being so careful means everything,” Benji said. “Maybe subconsciously the attack is still affecting me, but that’s something I have to work on. I trust you, Van. I want to start sharing more of myself with you, and I meant what I said in the car. Sometimes I’ll need that push, because I’m not good at stepping outside of my comfort zone without help. I might never be, but I’ll promise you the same thing I promised Joshua: If I really don’t want to do something,I will tell you. I won’t go along for the ride if I think I’ll regret or resent it later. I swear.”
“Good.” Van pressed their foreheads together, and Benji closed his eyes, soaking in the warmth of the man standing so close. Hands cinched together at the small of his back, pulling him forward until their pelvises pressed snugly. Then Joshua was there, plastered up against him, and Benji really liked being in the middle. Protected and cherished.
Now he was ready to be worshipped.
“Didn’t you guys say something about blowing me?” Benji said in a husky whisper.
Joshua released a familiar, growling gasp. One of his hands slid from Benji’s waist to palm him through his jeans. He nipped at Benji’s earlobe, then said, “Couch or bedroom?”
