Van’s nostrils flared. “I need you to tell me to stay the hell away from you or else. Deck me, swear at me, but please do something.” His chest heaved once. “Because all I can think about right now is how much I want to kiss you again, so please:Say something.”
For a moment, Joshua felt time stretch out, leaving him standing on the precipice of something hugely important. He could step back from it, return to the safety of the world behind him where the rules made sense, and accept whateverconsequences his actions brought. Or he could step off the ledge and plunge into something new, something potentially amazing and complicated and perfect. Something he’d hungered after for weeks.
Not something. Someone.
He stood to gain so much, but he also stood to lose a huge part of himself if it all went the wrong way. One way or the other, he had to take a step. He had to pick a direction.
So he did.
Joshua didn’t trust himself with words, so he grabbed Van by the shoulders and yanked him into a hug. Van shuddered once, and then his arms circled Joshua’s waist and squeezed. Fingers twisted in the back of his band tee. Van pressed his face into the crook of Joshua’s neck, bathing his skin in warm pants of air. Everything about it was perfect, like coming home again. So much like holding Benji, but also different. Van was taller, leaner, and he vibrated with sexual energy.
But Joshua’s connection to Van wasn’t about sex. It went so much deeper. It was about how Joshua reacted to him at an instinctive, almost primitive level—exactly the way he’d fallen hard and fast for Benji. His beautiful Benji, who trusted Joshua with his heart and soul. Joshua had to tread very, very carefully now. A kiss was probably forgivable, but he couldn’t let it go further with Van.
Not without a long conversation with his boyfriend.
“This is kind of fucked up,” Joshua said. “All of this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.” He pulled back so he could look Van in the eye. Van’s guard was up, his expression blank. “Some days I love Benji so much my heart hurts, but I can’t ignore how I feel when I’m with you. And I know you feel something back.”
“So what if I do? You can’t have us both.”
Why not?
The thought startled Joshua. Sure, threesomes were sexy as a fantasy, and maybe even once in real life, but how did three people create a relationship? Not to mention maintain one in the long term?
But what if it’s possible?
Van didnotlike the contemplative, almost puzzled look Joshua was leveling at him, as if he was actually trying to figure out how three people could be together. Sure, it worked for some, but Van had never seen himself in a poly relationship. Not ever.
Not that he’d given it much thought, because poly meant complicated, and Van simply did not have time for complicated. Except, kissing Joshua a few minutes ago had been beyond his expectations. He’d wanted to hold on and never let go. To keep Joshua safe from the demons in his past and anyone who’d ever try to hurt him again.
And he still occasionally thought about Benji, with his big brown eyes and adorable energetic smiles. A very much taken Benji who needed a committed relationship with one guy. A guy who was not Van.
“You and I were doomed before we started,” Van said softly, hating himself for the lie. “I never should have kissed you, and I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.”
“Joshua—”
“I’mnot. Please stop apologizing, or I’ll thank you again for Virginia Beach.”
Van bit back an amused smile. Joshua was not allowed to be cute and make jokes during such a serious conversation. “I’m going to go, okay? You should head back to the party.”
Joshua frowned. “Didn’t you come with Melody and Adrian?”
“I left my car at Adrian’s. It’s not that far of a walk, and I’m sure Adrian won’t mind dropping Mel off at home.” He’d text them both to make sure, but Adrian was a pretty laid back guy. Shouldn’t be an issue.
He stood, and then idiotically offered Joshua a hand up. Joshua’s palm was hot and smooth, and Van had a very hard time letting go, because his flagging erection really liked that heat. And no, he was not going to stand there and wonder how that hand would feel on his dick. Nope.
“Don’t be a stranger at Off Beat on my account,” Van said, surprised at the hoarseness in his voice.
Joshua seemed to struggle with his response. Finally, he gave Van’s hand a firm squeeze, then let go with, “I won’t.”
Van squared his shoulders, pivoted, and walked down the sidewalk toward the main highway. He worked to keep his gait as casual as possible, even though he was walking away from something potentially great.
Stop. I won’t be the reason they break up, and poly is too fucking complicated.
