Benji had heard this excuse before. “I know. You told me about what happened with your ex-brother-in-law.”
They’d been together for six months before Joshua admitted that his deepest trust issues stemmed from his older sister Megan’s ex-husband Kirk molesting him twice when he was ten years old. When he told the truth to get the abuse to stop, Megan and his parents hadn’t believed him. They called him a liar, accused him, as the youngest, of acting out to get attention.
The whole thing had put Joshua onto a path of fucking around, but not dating. He hadn’t been able to trust anyone enough to get close. Until Benji.
I was able to give him something to believe in.
“It’s more than what happened with Kirk,” Joshua said. “My parents have cheated on each other their entire marriage.”
Benji blinked. Joshua had mentioned his fear of being cheated on during their earliest conversations about an open relationship, but he’d never put it so bluntly. Not even when he admitted that he was the product of his mother stepping out on his father. Benji assumed that had been a one-time indiscretion.
Joshua’s shoulders slumped, and his mouth drooped. “They never hid the cheating from each other, much less from us kids. It’s like they were daring each other to try and file for divorce, a life-long game of chicken. They hurt each other over and over again. I couldn’t stand it if one of us cheated. It would break me, Ben.”
Unable to resist the plaintive tone, Benji pulled Joshua into a hug. A familiar chest pressed into his, and strong, familiar arms looped around his waist. He inhaled the scent of Joshua’s sweat and soap, and the lingering odor of alcohol. “You could have told me that,” he whispered. “Youshouldhave told me.”
“I know. Iknow.” Joshua’s chest heaved. “I’m so sorry. It’s so stupid, isn’t it? I could tell you about Kirk, but not about my parents being serial cheaters.”
“Hearts and minds are mysterious things.” He pulled back enough to see the tears filling Joshua’s eyes, and that made his own sting. “But baby, do you believe now that I will never, ever cheat on you?”
“I do.” Joshua’s chin trembled. “But what if I cheat on you? All of my siblings have cheated on their partners or spouses at some point. It’s like a family badge.”
“Cheating isn’t a gene or a chromosome. It isn’t a disease you can catch and spread around. It’s not an accident or a mistake made in a moment of passion. It’s a choice you make to be faithful or unfaithful. Only you can make the choice to cheat or not.”
Joshua held his gaze, accepting the words, but he still looked terrified. Benji didn’t envy him any of the thoughts or doubts in his head right now. This was bend or break time for them. Benji had stated what he needed. If Joshua couldn’t do it, if Benji wasn’t enough, and if he didn’t believe in himself enough to be faithful, then they were done. As much as it would hurt, Benji would walk away.
“Okay,” Joshua said.
Benji’s heart nearly stopped. “Okay what?”
“I’m in. All in with you, no one else.”
“Really?” His knees actually wobbled with the intensity of his relief. “You mean it? We’re closed, committed, the two of us only?”
“Yes. I love you Benji Moore, so much. I need you in my life, however you’ll have me.”
“I want you the same way I’ve always had you, you big dummy, except now no one else gets you.” Benji sealed the promise with a soft kiss, so grateful for the familiar press of Joshua’s lips against his own. Thankful he hadn’t lost this.
Joshua’s mouth softened, and his tongue flicked out, tasting Benji’s lips, slowly deepening the kiss into something stronger, more intense. Fingers skimmed Benji’s hips, plucking at his t-shirt without lifting. Subtle hints of what he wanted, and of what Benji was more than happy to give him. Intimacy he’d only ever shared with Joshua.
Benji made a soft, agreeable sound.
Joshua pulled back. “Shit, Ben, is this okay? I don’t want to pressure you.”
Benji sighed and held the back of Joshua’s head in his palm, keeping him steady. “We don’t have to do this every time you want to have sex, okay? How about I make you a promise right here and now? If I ever, at any time, am not totally into anything physical we’re doing, I will tell you.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard not to second guess myself now.”
“I know. But attraction isn’t the same thing as arousal. You can have one without the other. I’m still a man with a body that reacts to stimulation. Just because I don’t look at a guy and think ‘I really want to fuck him’ doesn’t mean I don’t get hard over internet porn.” He placed Joshua’s hand over his semi-hard dick. “And you, Josh, definitely arouse me.”
Joshua’s entire face softened, and a familiar glint appeared in his dark brown eyes. He had a way of looking at Benji that always made him feel seen. As if nothing else in the world existed outside of him and the moments they shared. Benji treasured those things about Joshua. The things that made him want to do almost anything to please his boyfriend.
He rubbed the inside of Joshua’s thigh, and when Joshua’s eyelids fluttered—a sure sign of his excitement—Benji allowed his knuckles to brush his boyfriend’s thickening cock. He loved watching the tiny tics and flickers on Joshua’s face during sex. Joshua often seemed quiet and orderly because of his IT job, but in bed he really came alive. He let all the walls down and simply enjoyed himself in the moment, and so did Benji.
Joshua nibbled on the side of his neck, near his ear, a spot that was guaranteed to send blood to Benji’s dick. The very first time Benji agreed to anal sex, Joshua had spent two full hours exploring Benji’s body. Tasting every nook and cranny, learning all of the spots that drove him nuts. The tender care he’d taken in those earliest moments had helped Benji fall in love as quickly as he had. He wasn’t just a hole to fuck; he was a person Joshua wanted to know inside and out.
Going on tour with Fading Daze had seen one of Benji’s two biggest dreams accomplished.
Today, Joshua finally handed Benji his second greatest dream: a closed relationship. And he wanted to say thank you.
