I watch fondly as her blush deepens and think carefully about what words I want to use. “It wasn’t really until after I saw you with my own eyes and knew you were okay that I even took any time to process it all. Then I was a little sad about the pregnancy. Just knowing what could have been.”
Ellie’s eyebrows rise in what I assume is surprise and I want to kick myself for letting her doubt how I was feeling about this for even a few days. Time for the question that’s been weighing on me.Why am I so nervous?
“Do you want to have kids?”
“I…” She hesitates and I feel like my life is teetering on some ledge, just an answer away from falling in one determining direction. “I’ve always wanted kids, yeah.”
“Wanted—you still do?” I clarify.
She nods and a breath I didn’t realize was stuck in my chest rushes out.
“But I remember what you said before, and obviously this was a surprise and I’ve thought about it?—”
“Ellie,” I interrupt softly. “Ask me.”
Those honey eyes freeze on mine for a beat. “Do you want kids?”
“With you, yes.”
“Oh,” she breathes. “Really?”
I lean in and kiss her. “Yes,” I murmur against her lips. I kiss her again and then lean back into my previous position.
Ellie’s mouth curves up. “When do you want kids?”
I shrug. “Whenever you do, baby.”
“What if I wanted them now?”
“Then I’d let Coach and our GM know I was retiring to start a family.”
Her smile drops. “What? That would make you want to retire?”
I dip my head. “Very much so.”
“But why? Lots of hockey players have kids before they retire, right?” she asks.
“Sure, but I want to make it—them—my priority. I’ve been fantasizing about being a stay-at-home dad the past few days and I have to say I’m getting quite attached to the idea. I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to be at an away game when they take their first steps or say their first words. I don’t want to leave my pregnant wife at home to go play a half-assed game where all I can think about is missing the chance to feel kicks or bring you whatever it is you’re craving at the time.”
Ellie grabs my other hand and squeezes it, both firmly in her grasp. “You’ve thought a lot about this, huh?”
“Pretty much twenty-four seven the past few days,” I admit.
Ellie’s gaze flicks between my eyes, going back and forth. “You love hockey,” she says softly.
I shrug again. “I do.” Then squeeze her hands back. “I love you more.”
Her eyes water and for once I don’t feel any pain from it, just that tightness in my chest I’m used to. I think these are happy tears. I maneuver our joint hands to wipe away one that trickles down her cheek.
Ellie sniffs. “Wife, huh?”
My smile spreads reflexively. “Caught that, did you? Was hoping to work on some subliminal messaging over the next few months to ease you into the idea.”
“That’s smart,” she says on a nod, and my heart rate picks up. “What if I don’t want to have kids for a couple more years?”
“Then maybe I play for another year or two, until we’re sure. I figured we could take it season by season and make a decision together.”
“Together,” she repeats.
