Matt nods. “I made a practice one first. This one is better though, I think—I just pulled it out of the oven before you walked in.”
Love is such a small word for something so big. Because these feelings I have for Matt? They feel like they’re overflowing. Like they’re pushing against my chest so hard I want to rub my hand there to fight the pressure. He baked my mom’s apple pie for me.
Another little thing that feels so, so big.
“Can I…can I have a hug?”
Matt drops to his knees in front of me, leaning forward and wrapping me up in those strong arms.
I wind my own above his shoulders and hold him tight to me. “I love you.” It’s just a whisper—soft words spoken right next to his ear. The first time I’ve said those three words and been so scared, so happy, sosure. “So much.”
His arms band around me, squeezing tighter. “I love you too, pretty girl.”
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
MATT
Ellie’s lyingin my bed, propped up on some pillows, reading a book. She’s supposed to take it easy this week and I’ve been insistent she follows the doctor’s orders since she came to my house two days ago. The season ended with our last game yesterday, but even before that it was a pretty relaxed schedule with us being out of contention for playoffs. And with Ellie staying here and her dad back in Boston now, that means a lot of uninterrupted time with my girl.
That is, aside from the visits from Nate and Dev and frequent calls from Zoey, which I don’t mind because Ellie seems to appreciate the company. She even got to meet Niko finally when he popped over last night after our game to celebrate my thousandth assist.
I’ve been wanting to talk to her about something, but I also wanted to make sure she’d had enough time to process what she went through and what it might mean for the future. The doctor made it clear the procedure she had shouldn’t affect fertility, but it was obviously scary and traumatic and I wouldn’t blame her if it shaped the way she felt about it all. I also remember how she distinctly wasn’t ready to talk about it when we were still in the hospital.
I push away from the doorway I was propped against and head toward the bed. Ellie glances up at the movement, a smile stretching across her face. My favorite thing in the world.
“Hey, I didn’t hear you get back.”
“I think when you read, you tune out the world,” I joke. I was purposefully quiet coming in from a workout, but I’ve witnessed it enough to know she really does get that engrossed in her books.
“It’s called focus,” she says, sticking her tongue out at me and setting her book down next to her.
I smile and climb on the bed to lie down, turning so I’m on my side facing her. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Ellie raises her eyebrows. “Oh?”
“Remember when we first really talked, you asked if I had done the whole ‘do you want kids’ talk with exes?”
Her cheeks tinge pink. “Of course.”
I swipe my thumb over one and revel in how she leans into my touch. “I thought maybe we could have that conversation. If you’re up for it.”
“Oh,” Ellie says hesitantly. “Sure.”
“It doesn’t have to be now, if you’d rather not talk about it yet.”
“Now’s fine.”
I nod in reply. Then debate how to start for about five seconds before threading our fingers and giving her hand a squeeze. “We were going to have a baby.”
Ellie searches my face, those beautiful eyes looking for any clues about how I’m feeling on the topic, I’d guess. “Yeah,” she finally lets out slowly.
I clear my throat. “How are you feeling about that?”
She shrugs, adding surprising casualness to what I expected to be a hard topic. “I guess…I feel like everyone expects me to be more upset about it all. But I didn’t really find out about it until itwas no longer…happening. At first I was shocked and emotional over the event of it all. And losing a tube is freaky. But now it feels kind of abstract? Almost like it happened to someone else.” Ellie finishes quietly and I see her throat move on a swallow. “Maybe that’s an odd way to feel.”
“I think you get to feel any way you want, baby. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s odd. It makes sense to me.”
Ellie gives my hand a squeeze back. “How are you, um, feeling about it?”
