“Hey,” he breathes. “Can I stay here?”
I scoot backward to make room for him in front of me. He drops his shirt and slides in, adjusting the comforter over both of us. One of his hands cups my face. I take a deep breath, leaning into that warm, familiar touch.
“I’m sorry this happened.” His voice is low. Pained.
My shoulders lift. “I knew it would eventually, I guess.” I swallow and debate if I want the answer to the question that’s recently been swirling in my mind. Curiosity gets the best of me. “How’d it come out?”
Matt winces. “I should’ve been more careful, Ellie.” He sighs heavily and swipes a thumb along my cheek. “Someone got a picture of us at The Bar when I picked you up a couple weeks ago. It was some trashy tabloid that ran it first.”
Makes sense. I guess sad, drunk me let my guard down. I’m pretty sure I face-planted on his chest when he walked over to me. Not exactly subtle.
“Ellie, I’m so sor?—”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Matt. You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve thought it through. I knew the risks when we started seeing each other.”You didn’t.I want to add it, but I’m still so worried he might be thinking I’m a hypocrite.
Matt shakes his head. “This is my fault.” His face contorts into some expression caught between sadness and panic. “TheBar, the pictures, the article… None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me and my job. I knew it was important to you that things stayed secret and I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve taken more precautions.” His hand falls from my face and he scrubs both of his over his own, turning from his side to his back. “Ellie, I play hockey with those bastards. Multiple times a year. I’ve played all-star tournaments with him, for fuck’s sake. And now you have to deal with all of this, because ofme.” His breathing has changed, coming out in pants.
“Matt,” I say, trying to break him out of whatever this is.
“I remember the accident now and how it was so tragic, but we all knew nothing was going to happen. I didn’tdoanything, Ellie, I?—”
“Matt!”
“I was just complacent and you were, oh god, you were probably still in the hospital,” he rasps. “You don’t deserve this. Me.”
I climb onto him and pull his hands away from his face, holding them near my legs. His panic is so out of character I almost don’t recognize him.
“Baby, stop,” I say softly. “Please.”
His chest rises and falls rapidly under me. “I need you to know that I’m not friends with those guys and I don’t agree with how?—”
“I know,” I cut him off, louder than before. Despite my earlier musings, I think I knew deep down Matt wouldn’t associate with people like them even if he had to play with them. And I know he doesn’t drink and drive. “I know you, Matt. I definitely lumped all hockey players into a shit bucket after the accident, but that wasn’t fair and you proved me wrong anyway.”
I let go of his hands and place my palms against his chest. It’s still moving faster than normal, but it’s slowing and he’s finally looking at me, so I keep going.
“I…I’m scared, okay? They wrote so many stories last time. There were so many requests for interviews,” I whisper, my face scrunching up at the thought. “Of course I don’t want to deal with that again. Don’t want to think about it. Aboutthem.” I blow out a breath. “But I don’t place any blame on you, okay? You didn’t know me then and you didn’t know about the situation until now. I should’ve told you about this before. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
A breath rattles out of him as he brings his hands on top of mine. “Fuck,pleasedon’t apologize to me. For that or anything. I’m screwing this all up.” He groans and closes his eyes, taking a few quick breaths. “I was supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around.” He blinks those evergreen eyes open, keeping them steady on me. “I’m sorry for freaking out. I’m just so…terrifiedof losing you.” He swallows. “Of being the cause of your pain. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to be with me.”
I look down at our hands. Would not being in this situation be easier? Yes. But the idea of leaving Matt is so painful it makes my breath catch at the thought. Which is a terrifying reminder of something I’m still too chickenshit to deal with.
Matt’s voice brings my gaze back to his. “I understand this is…complicated. My life makes it complicated.” He sounds so utterly dejected that I have the urge to hug him. He squeezes his hands over mine and I catch his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “No matter what you decide, I’ll help with the fallout from this, I promise.”
Thinking about thefalloutmakes me want to barf, but I focus on what’s important right now. “You’re my…my boyfriend, right? My partner?”
Matt gives an eager, jerky nod.
“Good. That’s good,” I say on a relieved exhale. “Because I could really use a partner to get through this, okay? I had mydad last time, but we were both still in such deep grief it was just really overwhelming. He wasn’t really a support then, you know? Not that I blame him. But it was a lonely experience, on top of everything else.”
Matt brings his hands up and cups my face. “I’m always going to be here for you, Ellie. Always. No matter what.”
I lean down and press a kiss to his lips, eager to soak up the comfort I get from being close to him. “Thank you,” I whisper, kissing him again and then pulling back to sit up like I was before.
“I, um, actually talked to one of the Bears’ PR people after the game.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Oh?”
“Her name’s Sloane. She’s up in management now, but she’s been doing PR for the team for a while, maybe six or seven years. I just… This feels so out of my control and I’ve never used a publicist before. So I explained the situation and she asked if she could help. Like, professionally. Kind of like a publicist for you, so she can take care of a lot of this.” Matt’s eyes are bouncing around my face in that way that lets me know he’s paying attention to my reaction. “If you’re up for it, of course.”
