Why she chooses to mouth the wordsexbut can sayfuck buddiesat full volume confounds me, but luckily no one seems to be paying us any attention over here at the far end of the bar.
I shrug, unsure how to talk about this. “I just haven’t felt this way before,” I finally come up with.
“Oh, Ellie-bellie,” Zoey sighs sadly. “What about Josh? You guys were in love, right?”
It’s funny how Josh feels like an afterthought now. Like my time with him was years ago instead of months. Is it possible that the time away from that relationship is why it feels less…strong? I remember feeling love for Josh, but not this all-consuming intensity. My gut tells me it’s because I wasn’tinlove with him. Like maybe I subconsciously kept him at arm’s length to avoid this mess. Maybe my subconscious knew he wasn’t worth it. I’m not sure how I feel about that. “I thought we were,” I murmur.
Zoey’s answering smile is so big I have to rethink what I said. “What?”
She hums. “Eleanor Anderson. Ellie Anderson. Oh yeah,” she says. “Has a nice ring to it, like royalty or something.”
I swallow at the implication and drop my head. I’m transported back to the other night when I had a little breakdown.
“Hey.” Zoey’s soft voice is closer now. I look up at her. “That was a stupid joke. I’m just excited. This is the real deal, I feel like. It’s good, right? You deserve more than what you had with Josh, whether it was real love or not.”
I feel a sting behind my eyes and my throat gets thick. This is why I didn’t want to havethisconversation. Movement behind the bar catches my eye and I see Nate cleaning a glass, eyes on me. He looks concerned so I give him a small smile in reassurance. He waits a beat before dipping his head and turning back to another customer. I face Zoey and realize she watched that whole interaction.
I clear my throat. “What if he leaves me?”
Zoey’s face scrunches up. “Ellie, I’m pretty sure he’s obsessed with you. He’s not going to leave—” Zoey must put something together in her mind. “Oh.”
She takes a sip of her wine and then sets it on the bar. She seems to be thinking something over. A few moments later she swivels to face me fully, her knees hitting the side of my leg.
She grabs both of my hands. “Ellie.”
I look at her hands holding mine and feel that unique brand of solidarity only your friends can give you. Zoey’s always been there for me and knows me just about as well as anyone could. “I’m scared.” It comes out barely above a whisper as I sit staring at our hands.
“I know. Love is scary. You know that better than anyone. But what would life be like without it? The life you had with Josh, is that what you want? Looking back and thinkingmaybeit was love? Some halfhearted relationship?” She squeezes my hands again and I look at her. “Love you’re scared to lose is love worth fighting for, even if you’re fighting yourself. You deserve to be with someone who fights for that lovewithyou. Someone who knows what they’re up against and keeps going anyway.” She gives me a look. “Someone who loves you so hard they worry about leaving you after a really bad day, and flies your best friend in for backup.”
I think back to Monday, how after he realized what was going on, Matt never left my bed until I did except to get me food. “Ithink he’s listening to a grief podcast for me,” I tell her. “I saw the title on his phone when he sent me a screenshot of this plant watering app he’s so geeked over.”
Zoey laughs lightly at that. “As he should,” she says with authority and a soft smile. “Has he told you yet?”
“That he’s listening to that podcast?”
“That he’s in love with you.”
I shake my head and then cringe. “I had a drunken breakdown the other day where I basically told him I didn’t want to be in love. Probably bummed him out.”
“Nah, I bet it was the most endearing, non-confession of love he’s ever gotten.” Zoey nudges my leg with her knee. “I know it’s not feeling like a good thing right now, but I’m really, really happy for you, Els.” She looks over at Nate, who notices and starts heading our way. “And I’m so glad you’ve got people looking out for you here,” she whispers close to me before he reaches us.
“Everything okay?” Nate asks as he leans on the bar.
“Perfect. We were just getting hungry and I was wondering if you had a recommendation?” Zoey asks him.
I didn’t knowwewere getting hungry, but I guess I could always eat.
Nate starts asking questions about what type of food and I let them know I’m going to the bathroom. By the time I’m headed back to my seat it looks like they are talking about something way more serious than takeout. Nate looks…sad? I look to Zoey as I get closer and she’s got her teacher face on.Oh boy.
She stops talking as I get to my seat. “What’s she lecturing you about?” I ask Nate.
He looks at me. There’s a distinct edge of sympathy clouding his face now. I narrow my eyes. Nate clears his throat and does his best to wipe the expression away. “Ah, just that we shouldreally serve food at the bar.” He tries to smile but it doesn’t look right.
I doubt that’s what they were talking about, but I nod.
“You ready to go? He said there’s a good burger place around the corner, walking distance,” Zoey says.
“Yeah, sure.” I drink the remainder of my cider and ask Nate for the check. He waves that off and collects our empty glasses.
