And I’m not sure how I feel about that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MATT
I checkthe digital clock on the wall—eight twenty-eight.
I’ve been skating alone for two hours at the rink. And practice doesn’t start for another thirty minutes. I think I only slept for three hours before Ellie got home last night. I’m going to be so fucking gassed when we run drills. I’m internally groaning at that, but even holding Ellie’s warm sleeping form in bed couldn’t keep my restless energy at bay after that conversation.
I just had to move. Had to think. And this has always been where I’ve felt most at ease.
Until recently, my subconscious reminds me.
I’m doing loose, unhurried figure-eights around the rink as my mind spins. Ellie’s mom died—no, was killed—on her birthday five years ago. And she almost died too. It’s the thought that’s been occupying my mind since last night. I’ve never felt like this before. So deeply sad for someone else and so helpless to make a difference. It feels like my heart is no longer fully in my control—like some part of it is tied to hers.
And her heart has been truly, tragically broken.
I watch my stick as I glide a puck between some others I laid out on the ice earlier, the taped blade gripping it just so. I wishI could wrap Ellie’s heart in so much of this stupid tape that nothing could crack it ever again.
Ellie’s strong, Iknowthat. She’s been through hell and she’s still…here. Living and helping other people. Being amazing and wonderful and so quickly my favorite person to be around now.
But I also remember that first day at The Bar and how fragile and broken she looked. Young. Lost too, maybe. I’m so terrified of anything or anyone hurting her.
And deep down I’m worried it’s going to be me—and my job. Either my inability to prioritize her or the attention that comes with it. I have to assume that’s why she asked all those questions in the beginning. It might even end up being a deal-breaker.
I suck in a breath at the thought.
The first thing I feel like I have some control over. Kind of. But the other? Not really.
I cringe as my mind runs through the possibilities. I know it’s inevitable, no matter how hard I try to keep things private. Eventually it will get out. Someone on the team will say something or some picture will get taken. But I don’t know if Ellie knows that and I don’t knowwhyshe’s so hell-bent on it not happening. I’m trying not to take it personally or read into what it means about our future, but I’m already having trouble envisioning a future without her.
I need to talk to her about it—I should have already. I’m just so nervous of what she might say. What if she doesn’t want to hang out anymore?Fuck.I hate that phrase.Hang out.It sounds so casual, so impermanent. I want this to be on her terms though. I don’t want to push her or rush something she’s not ready for.
I can be patient and keep things private. I just don’t know if the outside world will do the same.
I brace my stick across my thighs as I make my way to the rink exit. I need to take a break before the guys show up or this isgoing to be an embarrassing practice. I squirt some water in my mouth and drop to the bench. Hanging my head as the thoughts still spiral, I almost feel like getting right back up and skating some more.
What if Ellie’s still only interested inusif it’s a secret? Could I convince her it will be okay if our relationship becomes public? I wish I knew why she was so against it. I just can’t—won’t—be responsible for making Ellie unhappy or scared. I’d rather rip the damn heart out of my chest.
She deserves so much better than someone who doesn’t put her first after the shit she’s been through. She deserves to be the priority. She deserves everything.
I just hope I can be that for her.
Yep.I’m fucking gassed as shit.
My legs are nearly shaking as I sit heavily in the locker room to take my gear off. I’m untying my skates when I feel Niko sit beside me. I can sense him studying me, but with the whole team in here I’m not really in the mood to do any explaining. I know he knows something is up. I didn’t exactlyembarrassmyself at practice, but I certainly didn’t perform at my usual level. And right now I just want to go crash in Ellie’s bed. Maybe I can even try bringing up the future. Maybe.
“Let’s go get lunch.” Niko’s voice halts me as I reach for my bag.
“Aren’t your parents still here?” I ask him, grabbing my phone to check for any notifications.
“Yeah, but they’re shopping today. They’re checking out the Mall of America even though I recommended other places.”
“Good luck to them,” I say on a laugh. “I was planning to just head home now. How about tomorrow before the game instead?”
“I wasn’t asking.” Niko shoulder-bumps me as he walks out of the locker room, calling “Let’s go” from the door.
Dammit. I check the time on my phone—a little after ten-thirty. Ellie probably won’t be up for another hour or so since she’s off today. Maybe I can swing by later if she’s not busy. We have back-to-back games this weekend, so it might be tricky to see her before her shift starts and then we head out of town next week.
