But I need it right now because I can feel the long-forgotten swelling of fear and anxiety rushing to the surface. It’s been a long time since I had a panic attack, and in this moment, I’m not just running from him, I’m running away from myself too. I can already feel my lungs tightening, preparing to render me helpless, gasping for air that my body refuses to accept.
At their worst, my panic attacks would result in me ending up in an ambulance or the ER until I learned that nothing I did could stop them, and the only control I had was in accepting that there was nothing I could do to stop them.
This is the first time I’ve run in desperation in too long to remember, but as my body falls into the rhythm of escape, I recognize the familiar desire to run and run and run until exhaustion silences the screaming voices in my head. As my body guides me over the dry sand and toward the waterline, I finally allow the tears that I forced away to fall and silently repeat what I told Sebastian over and over in my head. “I’m not a frightened little bird anymore.”
I don’t know how long I run for, or how far I go, but by the time my body accepts that I can’t outrun my panic attack, I don’t recognize the houses or the view. Falling to the sand, I curl into a ball and focus on trying to survive.
My lungs, which were already heaving from exertion, tighten and close as my vision darkens. Refusing to sink into the oblivion of unconsciousness, I clamp my lips together and concentrate on breathing through my nose. It’s been so long since I had a panic attack that I’d forgotten how much this feels like the start of a slow, painful death, and as each moment passes, I remember how many times in the past I’d considered that death might just be easier.
But just like the other attacks, eventually death starts to edge away, and my panic starts to recede. It feels like it takes a lifetime, but each breath starts to only feel hard, not completely impossible, as my mind starts to drift.
Grateful for the distraction, I think about my eyes that are gritty from crying, my thighs that are sore and chafed from my shorts, and how cold and wet my shirt is, soaked with sweat. I’d run, hoping it would clear my troubled thoughts, but even though my body is empty and broken, my mind is still full, swirling with thoughts of Sebastian, our life, our marriage, and his escalating behavior.
Uncurling my limbs, I fall backward until I’m lying on my back in the sand. Spreading my legs and arms wide, I close my eyes and remember the exact moment that changed things between me and my husband.
Dropping the tracking chip onto the table, I wait for the penny to drop and for them to realize what I’ve done.
“What’s that?” Clay had asked, reaching out to pick the chip up.
“What does it look like?” I’d said, too angry to pretend any longer.
Squinting, Clay had lifted his fingers to his face, inspecting the tiny object. “Fuck.”
“What is it?” Hunter had demanded.
Looking from the tracker gripped in his fingers, Clay had turned first to his wife before looking back at me, then finally settling on Hunter. “I’m not one hundred percent, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s a tracking chip.”
The moment realization had set in, Sebastian had darted to me, moving faster than I’d expected. Fisting my hair tightly, he’d lifted it off my shoulders, his eyes and fingers scanning my unblemished skin like he thought I’d cut it from my own neck.
“Don’t worry, it’s not mine,” I’d told him derisively. “It’s Bunny’s.”
“No.” Hunter had shaken his head, his eyes turning feral as my words had sunk in. “No.”
“I warned you, Hunter. I told you I wouldn’t let you do to her what you all did to me,” I’d said, staring coldly at the boy I’d thought I knew. Hunter was our gentle giant, the one I’d never have guessed could behave so reprehensively. But finding out the truth of everything he’d done to Bunny had made me realize that he was just as cold and ruthless as the rest of them.
“Where is she?” he’d yelled, his tone demanding an answer.
“Gone,” I’d told him without an ounce of guilt.
“Where?”
“Away from you.”
“Where the fuck is my wife, Starling?” he’d screamed, and only weeks earlier, I’d have felt sorry for him, but not then, not after I’d heard all of his crimes laid bare.
“She’s somewhere you’ll never find her,” I’d told him, feeling glad that I’d helped her get free of him, and wishing that all those years ago someone would have done the same for me. I might be in love with Sebastian, but that didn’t mean that I’d forgotten the scars he’d given me. I don’t know who I’d have been if we’d never met, but no one who knew the truth about our relationship would disagree that my life had been changed for the worse by him becoming a part of it.
“Where is she?” Hunter had demanded, pulling me from my swirling thoughts as he’d stormed around the table toward me.
Stepping between us, Sebastian had shielded me from his friend, but I didn’t need to be protected.
“I refuse to sit here and watch as you break that girl, Hunter. She’s not a toy, but you treated her like she was. You lied to her. You manipulated her and gaslighted her and tried to make it seem like her justifiable anger was somethingshe needed to apologize for. You fucked with her family, you psycho, and you expected her to just say it was okay because you decided she was yours. You’re a fucking asshole, and she’s too good for you. You looked me in the eyes, and you promised me she wasn’t a prisoner. Then you took her credit cards and put a perimeter on her tracker that confined her to campus. You threatened to have security escort her everywhere she went and told her they’d detain her and return her to you like a cowed dog if she stepped out of line. You stole every ounce of freedom she had after you’d shackled her to you with a bullshit prenup meant only to control her. I thought I knew you. I thought you had some semblance of a conscience and a soul somewhere deep inside of you. I thought you were redeemable. But this? What you’ve done to Bunny is unforgivable. So, we helped her run, and we made it so the only way you’ll ever find her is if she comes back. But I hope she never does. You don’t deserve her.” Tears had poured down my cheeks as I’d spoken, but they weren’t tears of sadness, they were tears of anger because I was furious. Furious for forgetting exactly who these men were and what they were capable of.
Clay had turned to talk to his wife, clearly hoping she’d tell him where Bunny had fled to, but no matter how or what he asked, she wouldn’t tell him anything. My ears rang, Sebastian’s heady intensity warring with my untamable anger and making me silent while January quietly and elegantly shamed both Hunter and her husband for their behavior before she’d turned and left the room.
Turning back to me, Sebastian’s eyes had gone cold, his expression becoming steely in the way that I’d usually be excited for, but that in the moment had no effect on me. “Where is she, Little Bird?” he’d coaxed.
Smiling coldly, I’d laughed, the sound low and broken. “She flew away.”
