“Why not?” Dr. Sally asks, leaning forward a little in her seat.
“I refused to take a full team of bodyguards, so Sebastian threw a fit, called the dean, and swapped me to online education.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I…” Swallowing, Starling’s shoulders slump. “I actually don’t hate it. All my lectures are recorded, and I’ve been watching them once I’ve gotten up and had breakfast. Even working ahead on my assignments, I’m pretty much done by lunchtime each day.”
“So, it hasn’t been too much of an adjustment?”
“Not as much as I thought. I didn’t have any classes with January or Bunny this semester, and with Sammy being so close to giving birth, she’s not at school either. I guess, even if I’d have gone to campus for my classes, I would have been alone anyway.”
“Have you given any thoughts to my suggestion to try and make some friends outside of your group?” Dr. Sally asks.
“I’ve thought about it. I’m just not sure how practical it is,” Starling admits.
“Why is that?”
“Well, because I’m not exactly normal anymore.”
“But Kingsacre isn’t your average school. Ninety percent of its students come from the top ten percent wealth bracket. I’d have thought your lifestyle wouldn’t be particularly different from theirs.”
Tipping her head to the side, Starling acknowledges her point, then exhales. “Maybe I feel different.”
“How so?”
“I’m twenty, I’m married. I live in a beautiful house with a private beach. I drive a car worth more than the house my dad and I lived in. I have a credit card with a limit so high I’ve never dreamed of ever having that much money in my life.”
“You don’t feel worthy,” Dr. Sally says, stating a fact, not asking a question.
“None of it is mine. I haven’t earned any of it. The only thing I’ve done to deserve it all is catch the eye of a boy with obsessive tendencies. If he’d overlooked me or spotted someone else, I’d probably still be waiting tables in a shitty diner in North Acres and going to community college. My life is happenstance.”
“Is that why you considered leaving?”
“No…Sebastian can be a lot. He’s extra on steroids.”
“I know we’ve talked about your relationship a lot, but how do you think he’d feel about what you just said?”
Scoffing lightly, Starling’s lips tip into a smile. “He’d say something crazy, like there’s no way he could have overlooked me, or that I’m the only person he saw, and that he knew the moment he laid eyes on me that we were meant to be together. He’d try and assure me that everything he has is mine.”
“Do you doubt his sincerity?”
She shakes her head. “No. I know he loves me. He’s done…” Pausing, she swallows back whatever she was about to say. “He loves me, and he’s shown me that in a million ways.”
“But…” Dr. Sally prompts.
“My life is what people dream about. I’ll never have to worry about money. If we have children, they’ll never have to worry about money. If I decide to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but shopping, he’d support me. But I think a part of me still resents him. Well, all of them, not just Sebastian, but Evan and Clay and Hunter too. I’m…angry.”
“Could you tell me about that anger?”
“I don’t know how my life would have gone if I’d never met them. I don’t know if Courtney and I would have stayed friends. I don’t know if me and my mom would have stayed close, or if I’d have ended up living with my dad anyway. But even though they know that they hurt me, they’ve never really apologized. We’ve moved on, and I don’t hate them; not really. But a part of me wants to hurt them, the way they hurt me.”
“Do you think hurting them would make you feel better?” Dr. Sally asks.
“Honestly?” Starling questions.
“Of course. This is a judgment-free space.”
“Seeing the pain that Hunter was in when Bunny left him and knowing that I helped her made me feel good. It felt like retribution, and I enjoyed it,” she admits, and as she speaks, a cold look changes her beautiful face into someone I barely recognize.
