Xan gestured with his hand, and my family’s attention went back to him as he showered them with information and acceptance I couldn’t give myself.
Quinn came up to my side. I laced our fingers together before pulling her close. Her hands were ice. She’d been standing with Everly, apart from us, and the cold clung to her skin.
I tried to glare at Rowan, only to find him busy directing his fellow enforcers. Guilt ate at my gut. She shouldn’t have let us collar her, but if we’d done anything else, an unknown would still have access to her mind.
Quinn needed me, and I needed her. My anchor, my reason. I kissed her forehead, breathed in rain and honey over soap, and let her strength steady me. Quinn was everything. I lived in her light.
“Who’s that staring at you?” Quinn whispered.
I didn’t want to look away from her. With her sparkling hair, she almost glowed against the darkness and flickering greenlights. It took me way too long to turn back to my family, but I finally did. Many looked at me, but only one gaze seared: Aludena’s. Sunken eyes, dark hair in a heavy braid, despite everything, she sat with her back straight and hands folded. A woman with greenish-tan hair and hawk-like features, who looked nothing like the rest of the family, sat next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, whispering something in her ear.
“That’s my sister.” I swallowed hard. I wanted to say more, but my tongue stuck in my throat. Shame burned so deep I wanted to scrub my skin raw and rip off my dick.
“It’s okay, Cay, breathe.” Quinn rubbed my back, and I held onto her like the lifeline she was.
My mother joined us, offering Xan full use of the Prophet’s office. Xan refused and instead set up a little area in the building we used as a school. I didn’t want to sit with him as he talked to each of my family members individually, but my mom did. Everly also volunteered. Despite my endless rivalry with the Grierson, having her there eased my guilt.
Only a fraction of my family remained, less than thirty.
I found myself standing with Quinn at my side as a greeter before anyone went into the building. The night grew late fast. Two young women came through, herding a group of kids too young to start training. With a start, I realized two of the kids were mine, but I honestly didn’t know which two. The Prophet’s scriptures raised them under the Sun God’s guidance. Fathers were not necessary.
“Cayden,” Emily smiled at me. “I’m glad to see you again.”
I inclined my head. Emily was one of their mothers. She’d only needed my services twice to get pregnant, and once her baby was born, the Sun God claimed him. But that’s not how the world viewed any of this. Did I need to take responsibility for my sons now? I didn’t even know them. How would I do that with no home, or money, or anything to offer them?
Quinn elbowed me.
“Ah, I’m glad to see you too,” I managed to pull out of my panic.
Emily beamed. “Will the Prophet, um, the Architect, let us continue the nursery?”
“If that is what you want, I’m sure it’s what he wants,” I said. “May you walk in the light.”
Emily beamed again and herded the kids inside.
Emily was my cousin. My stomach turned. This wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I stumbled to the far side of the building and dropped to my knees, dry heaving.
Quinn wrapped me in her arms. Under a blanket of darkness, I told her everything—every detail I knew no one wanted to hear. I needed someone to understand. This incredible woman held me and rocked me as my skin crawled.
I was a product of incest. So were my kids. My daughter came out wrong because her mother was my sister. I’d helped expand the family, even strengthened the walls that trapped us. Worst of all, the memories felt good. How could I live with myself, knowing the evil yet remembering it as righteous?
At some point, a large body that could only be Rowan joined us, sandwiching Quinn in warmth. He passed me a bottle, and I took a drink.
Slightly chilled and perfectly balanced red wine hit my taste buds. “This is a Chateau Margaux. It’s worth a fortune.”
Rowan grunted and took the bottle back, taking a swing. “Tastes like wine to me.”
I sighed.
“No one understands what you’re going through except your family,” Quinn said quietly. “But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy or that you have to stay close. I don’t know Cayden. I’m not sure I could have left my dad, but waking up here meant I never had to make that choice. But I’d like to believe that once he knew Iwas safe, he lived the rest of his life for himself. I wanted him to be happy.”
Rowan pulled our girl in for a side hug before nudging her with the bottle. “We’ll find out what happened to your dad, Q-tip. I promise.”
Quinn passed the bottle back to me.
“It doesn’t have to be black and white, Cayden,” Rowan added. “I know at least twenty good men who’d take a woman with tykes attached. As much as stepping up to the plate sounds like the best thing, kids thrive in stability where they are loved.”
“You don’t think I could love a child?” My voice cracked, bitter and raw.
