“No,” Rowan answered without hesitation.I jerked away from my friend.
“Not any with forest green hair anyway,” Rowan continued. “Not while you still flinch every time you see yourself in them.”
The words landed hard. My throat locked, and I looked away, jaw tightening as I bowed my head.
“I’ve never seen anyone as messed up as you, Cayden. You can’t even love yourself. If Quinn weren’t glued to your hip, I wouldn’t let you near her, and she’s fully grown.”
I took another gulp of wine before Quinn took it out of my hands.
“You won’t always be a mess,” Rowan said, settling back against the wall. “One day you’ll look at your kids and see people, not ghosts of everything that went wrong. That’s when it’ll click.”
He shrugged. “Angela and I? I didn’t love her. Not really. And whatever was between us would’ve poisoned a kid from the start. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have loved them, but love doesn’t thrive in bad soil.”
His mouth tilted. “You’re right, though. It’s messy. Feelings always are.”
I closed my eyes. For a brief moment, I wished for the simplicity of life under my Prophet's control. My stomach twisted, and the wish died on the vine.
Quinn rested her head on my shoulder.
“Once you at least don’t want to chop your testicles off for existing, maybe you can be in their lives as the fun uncle,” Rowan laughed. “Joe has one of those. He’s great. He once rolled an entire keg up The Mile and left it for us. Would’ve been baller as hell, except it turns out he stole it.”
I grunted, unsure if it was funny, but lighter for it anyway. My stomach gurgled unhappily. Drinking wine after vomiting was not treating it well.
“Let’s get some food.” Quinn stood and pulled on my arm. “I hear the family butchered an entire cow in honor of their new Prophet.”
Rowan chuckled darkly. “Xan’s never going to forgive you for this.”
“It was the only way to save my family.” I put my hand over Quinn’s, needing to feel her acceptance. She leaned down and kissed the top of my head, giving it to me.
Rowan reached down to my other arm, and my friends hauled me up.
“We know.” Rowan laughed. “Doesn’t make it any less funny.”
I clung to Quinn’s light, the only thing keeping me whole.
Chapter 15
Quinn
Rudeornot,weraided the buffet and kept to ourselves, giving Cayden space. After we ate, I was the first one to yawn.
Cayden led us to his bedroom, only to falter at the door. “I don’t want to be here.”
I gently pushed the door open and sucked in a breath. Orange and red smothered every surface. A blazing sun carved into the ceiling cradled a cauldron bubbling with someone else’s dark-green magic. Centered on the far wall sat a small altar to the Prophet.
“Then we’ll find somewhere else.” Rowan closed the door I’d opened and took the lead.
It didn’t take us long to find our way back to the little school Xan had taken over—a small classroom at the end of a hall called to us. We tore down the decorations praising the Prophet and stacked up the little desks onto one side.
I lacked a bedroll, like everyone else, but it didn’t matter. Soon, I was on soft padding between Cayden and Rowan, runes glowing faintly on the walls. I’d just discovered Rowan’s arm made a decent pillow when the door opened, and baby-blue light replaced Cayden’s green in the cauldrons.
Cayden hadn’t lain down yet, but Rowan and I bolted upright. Since the collar, Xan hadn’t so much as looked at me. Forgotten already. Yes, he’d inherited a cult, but it fit his pattern: if I wasn’t convenient, I wasn’t worth it.
Xan made eye contact with me. Whatever he saw in my gaze made him hesitate. Ezra did not and pushed his lover forward.
“Is it okay if we sleep here as well?” Xan asked.
I peered at him. “Why do you want to sleep here?”
