“Are you alright?”
My face pulls into disgust. “No, I’m not alright?! How can you even ask that?”
She sighs heavily. “I’m sorry, G. I just wanted to check on you. I haven’t found a thing about the man. I’ve even called local hospitals. Maybe we didn’t kill him.”
“Or maybe he’s still lying there. Or maybe his family hasn’t been notified yet to break the story. Or maybe?—”
“I get it. You can stop now.”
I seal my lips after a shaky exhale escapes.
“We’ll keep an eye out, yeah? Until we hear or see something, we operate like normal.” Her plan sounds great, in theory.
But my anxiety only ramps up at the thought of ignoring that I killed someone.
The man’s lifeless face flashes in my mind, and my stomach coils in protest. I don’t have anything left to vomit, so I close my lids and breathe through the nausea.
“Greer?”
“I’m here. I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.” Hanging up, I toss the phone across the bed and scan the television for any scrap of information.
To no avail.
It’s been two years since the night of the accident, and I’m still no better off than I was the morning after it. I’m settled into school and have work to keep me busy, but my mind often wanders about the man. About how I shouldn’t be here.
“Your food isn’t good?” Jason asks me, pausing to eat from his plate. “I can get someone to take it back. You can order something else.” He raises his hand to wave down our server, and I grab it and put it back onto the table.
“It’s fine. I was just lost in thought. I don’t eat much,” I tell him.
Jason nods. “Oh, that’s all right. I want you to be happy.”
I smile, and it seems to appease his dominant side, which is idiotic right now. I return to shoving food around my plate, grateful I avoided the conflict.
Jason is the product of another setup Allison forced me to attend, and he’s not hard on the eyes. A couple of times, I’ve thought longingly about letting him satisfy the deep ache in my belly for more.
I never let them have more.
I don’t deserve it.
They don’t deserve to be tied to a monster, either.
What if, one day, Jason finds out who I truly am? That he’s sleeping next to a murderer?
I can’t take that risk.
I don’t know why Allison suggests these dates, but here I am; it makes her so happy when I go.
The night drags on, and I allow Jason to kiss me. For a moment, however fleeting, I consider letting him come home with me to my apartment near campus. Letting him stoke the fire that his kiss started in my gut, but guilt washes away the idea, and I tell him goodnight.
I’ll never speak to Jason again.
Sitting in my car in the small Italian restaurant’s parking lot, I watch him drive away through tear-flooded eyes, wishing like hell my life would’ve taken another path, and I wasn’t a killer.
Then, I could be happy.
Then I could have a Jason.
Now
