‘Are you saying I should stay?’
‘Dear Lord, Jess. What I’m saying is you need to decide what you want and be prepared to fight for it.’
Vivi made for the door.
‘Where are you going?’ Jess asked, her voice laden with indecision.
‘I thought you wanted to pack.’
Dee was amazed Jess thought closing the door to the drawing room would keep her conversation private. The gaps underneath these old doors, fashioned to make them pass seamlessly over rugs or floor runners, also left room for sound to travel. Not that Dee wanted to listen in to the conversation, but she’d been about to turn the handle when she’d heard the loud and very enunciated words of Jess’s aunt.
And a phrase stuck with Dee, as she listened.
You need to decide what you want and be prepared to fight for it.
Rather than waiting for Robbie to come to her, perhaps Dee should seize the initiative and fight for what she wanted, just as Vivi was suggesting Jess should do.
But first she needed to clear the air with Jess. She took hold of the door handle, pushing wide the door. Jess and her aunt stood either side of a wing-back chair, Vivi resting a hand against it. The older woman looked exhausted – unsurprising, Dee thought, as Freya’s boys had found Vivi excellent company once they’d finished their Grand National on the rocking horse and had demanded she play fighter jets with them.
‘Ah, Jess – just who I was looking for,’ Dee said. ‘I wanted to say I might have been a little brusque with you, earlier. I find myself struggling to adjust, and to be honest, seeing you with my son—’
Jess frowned, stepping forward. ‘I never meant to upset you – that’s absolutely the last thing I wanted. But I care very deeply for your son. I’ve tried not to, but I do. And I don’t know if it’s the right thing to feel or not, but I can’t help it. And this place – I think Kirkshield is magical, too. I find myself wanting to fight for it just as much as Sebastian does. I hope you don’t think me presumptuous, saying that …’
Dee smiled, then shook her head. ‘No. I felt exactly the same way when I arrived here, Jess. Under rather different circumstances, obviously – but I’m certain that means the rest of your time here won’t mirror mine, either. My son continues to prove he is nothing like his father was, and I apologise for my reaction – seeing you together, it hit a raw nerve, took me back to my late husband’s behaviour. And that’s not fair on you. I’m so tired of living in the past, and I just want to say that only a fool wouldn’t be able to see how happy you’re making Sebastian.’
‘I told him I thought I’d made a mistake, with him.’ Jess sounded forlorn. ‘I’ve messed everything up.’
‘I wonder if you and I aren’t rather alike in some ways. I’ve been known to throw away the good things, too. The things which really matter. Tell him how you really feel. He won’t disappoint, I feel certain of that.’
‘Who won’t disappoint?’ Sebastian said, striding into the room, his gaze fixed on Jess.
Dee stepped away from Jess, to allow Sebastian to draw close to her.
‘I’ll let you take it from here, Jess,’ she said, smiling as she rested a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, squeezing hard. Then she headed for the door. ‘Never mind sorting the pair of you out, I have someone I very much need to work things out with, too. Someone who deserves far better than I’ve shown him so far.’
Chapter 36
On New Year’s Eve, Jess took her time to walk the length of the picture gallery, doing her best to ignore the eyes of the long-since-departed earls of Kirkshield, which seemed to track her every move. If Freya’s boys had really wanted ghosts, it was possible that these portraits could provide a few, given the right incantations. Although this evening the old guard, as she’d taken to calling them, looked benevolent – or perhaps that was the effect of the lighting.
The strings of fairy lights and decorations on the huge Nordmann fir twinkled and rustled against the vibrant green of the tree. The rest of the space was lit by the uplighter sconces on the walls and more strings of fairy lights, the overhead chandeliers glinting in reflected light, rather than their own.
The effect was spectacular and hugely atmospheric. Olivia stood with her. ‘I think it works, don’t you?’
‘Definitely,’ Jess said. Something had shifted on Christmas Day, when Olivia had suggested they hold a ceilidh for Hogmanay. The same day Jess had almost fled Kirkshield, had almost run from the strength of her own emotions.
When Dee had left her with Sebastian, suggesting she should tell him exactly how she was feeling, Jess almost ran again. Without trying too hard, she could still conjure up her physical state at that moment. Slick palms, dry mouth, racing heart: how she imagined a panic attack might feel.
‘What if it doesn’t work?’ As the words had left her mouth, Jess had watched Sebastian’s face closely, looking for a chink in the armour of his balanced, calm expression. He’d guided her to the sofa, taking her hand as he’d encouraged her to sit.
‘Us, you mean?’ he’d said.
She’d nodded, unable to form words. She was probably being unnecessarily dramatic, but thismattered. Mattered more than anything ever had before.
Sebastian had taken his time before he replied. ‘You probably don’t remember, but back when I told you about the financial mess the estate’s in, you said – and I quote “We could do B and B in the castle, perhaps?” Do you remember?’
‘Not the exact words, but I remember that conversation, yes.’
‘Well, I couldn’t forget your words. And now I know why.’ He paused, taking a deep breath. ‘You need to understand something about me, Jess. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to prove to myself that I’m nothing like my father was. When I was a teenager, he filled my head with all sorts of nonsense about how men should behave, men like us – how our privilege should extend into every area of life, including … well, including relationships. Although where he was concerned, “relationship” is perhaps a bit of a generous term. But when you grow up watching the carnage that kind of behaviour leaves behind …’ He shook his head. ‘Anyway, as I say, I’ve spent my adult life trying to prove – to myself more than to anyone else – that I’m not like that. My father viewed everything from his ivory tower – he saw everything in terms of what benefit it brought him, and him alone. And when you mentioned doing B and B in the castle – I knew then.’
