‘I wanted to clear my head.’ Finally, she took her gaze away from the dog long enough for him to see something else in her expression, something other than the worry about Digby.
‘Why?’ he asked, confused when she gave a shake of her head, her sigh audible.
‘It’s fine – I just want to tell you I totally get it. We had fun, but there’s no way it’s ever going to be more than that between us. And that’s OK.’ Jess pulled in a breath, then quirked her lips up into a half-smile. ‘It’s not like this is the kind of place people like me actually live, is it? In fact, I’m kind of looking forward to going home. Getting my life back to normal. I just wanted a bit of time to get my head round it.’
She watched his expression, had chosen her words to try to make it easier for him, but he looked confused. She should have known the moment she began to lose control. The moment she realised she had relinquished power over her emotions to another person – to him – she should have taken it as her signal to run, like she normally did, rather than expecting things to work out. Because now she just felt stupid. Naive. Vulnerable, even. And Jess didn’t enjoy any of those feelings. They scared her. They made her want to run and hide. They reminded her of every failed relationship she’d ever had. With foster families, with men, with the other members of the band. The only person who hadn’t ever let her down was Vivi.
There was no way Jess could bear to live like this, feeling completely untethered, waiting for him to realise how transparent she was: weak like cardboard and with nothing of real worth to bring to the table.
‘But I thought we had something special. I don’t understand what’s changed, Jess,’ Sebastian said, reaching for her hand.
She shook her head, putting her hands in her pockets. ‘I’m never going to be enough for you,’ she said.
‘Why would you say that?’
‘Come on, Sebastian. Let’s be real for a moment. You’re the Earl of Kirkshield, for the love of God. And I’m Jess Wight, failed singer and nomadic housekeeper. You own an entire estate; I own an Ikea sofa and a complete set of theHorrible Historiesbooks. You live in a castle; I live in a rented flat. We’re poles apart. And it’s only a matter of time before you work it out. You could haveanyone, Sebastian. Anyone. You’re the most gorgeous, talented, gentle …’ She huffed as emotion threatened to take control of her voice. ‘You’re the most attractive man I’ve ever met, and the only way I could hold on to you would be by being the only woman left on the planet. If I’m being honest with myself, I know it’s true. And I saw the way Catriona looked at you, the way she hugged you. I saw it, even if you didn’t.’
There, she’d said it – all the things which had been tumbling around inside her head since she’d run from the castle. Usually she didn’t bother, she just kept running. But this time she felt she owed him this much.
‘No, you don’t understand …’
‘Yes, Sebastian. I do. Vivi said something about you looking at me in a particular way, in a way that made her believe you liked me – really liked me, I mean – but I’ve never seen you look at me the way you just looked at Catriona. It was as if the rest of the world evaporated.’ Jess huffed in exasperation. ‘And now I sound like a jealous idiot. It’s just that …’
‘No, you have to understand it’s not like that at all. Whatever you feel it was you saw, it wasn’t like that, and I need you to believe me. Catriona and I have history; I’m not going to deny it. And the way I ended things with her was rough. I handled it very badly, and I have a lot of work to do to make it up to her. But it doesn’t mean I still want her – not like that.’
‘Why not? She’s absolutely stunning.’
‘So are you, Jess. You’re the most beautiful person I think I’ve ever met. Mind-body-and-spirit beautiful.’ He frowned. ‘Please, Jess – please don’t leave. I don’t think I could bear it if you did.’
Neither of them had noticed the approaching tractor, but the low growling of its engine was becoming loud enough to catch her attention, giving her the distraction she needed to avoid having to respond to Sebastian.
The farmer, introduced as Hamish but clearly not wanting to waste any time on pleasantries, assessed Digby’s predicament and fetched slings and ropes from the tractor.
‘This mightnae work. I need Your Lordship to take your young hen away from here in case …’ The man frowned.
‘In case what?’ Her tone spiralled.
‘I cannae tell which way the rock will go, even if I can get it to move at all, that’s what I’m saying. Ye ken?’
Jess swallowed. If the rock went the wrong way, Digby would be pinched and squashed as the boulder moved. It was too horrible to consider, and she covered her mouth with both hands.
‘Will you do your best?’ Sebastian asked.
‘Aye, of course I will,’ Hamish said, gesturing for them to move away as he began to work out where he could attach slings and ropes to the outcrop.
Jess was torn between wanting to be with Digby and not being able to bear to watch. In the end she buried her face in her hands, pressing against Sebastian’s chest as Hamish hopped up into the driver’s seat and the tractor began to pull.
She listened as gears ground, felt Sebastian’s fingers tighten around her shoulders as the engine revved and roared. Behind all the mechanical noise she was sure she could hear Digby, crying out in pain. Or was it her own voice she could hear? Sebastian wrapped her up tighter as the noises continued, and for that she was grateful. And then, as abruptly as it had started, the tractor engine shut off, and everything went quiet.
Too quiet.
Jess peeled herself away from Sebastian, forcing her fingers apart so she could see what had happened. Even if it was bad, she was going to have to face it.
It took her a few moments to fully lower her hands, for the scene to settle in her brain. She’d been expecting to see Digby’s dead body ripped and ruined, blood and gore everywhere. Or maybe nothing – would that be worse, if nothing had changed, if the rocks were immovable and Digby was still trapped? Would the farmer suggest he could shoot the dog where he lay trapped, leaving Jess to explain the full horror of what had happened to Vivi, on Christmas Day, of all days?
Instead, the rock formation looked different, and Hamish was out of his tractor, peering into the gap he’d created. He lifted Digby up and onto the flat top of one of the boulders like he was a newborn lamb, checking the dog over for injury.
‘Is he OK?’ Jess asked.
