Poppy misses Mumma a-ready.
We’re going to have fun though, aren’t we?
Yes. My want ellie babies, Daddy.
Madeleine wondered how deeply listening to this message wounded Clara every time she heard their voices.
Hope you’re enjoying your lie-in, Clara. Have a great day and let me know if you want me to bring back some takeaway. The traffic is awful on the ring road, we’ve been stuck in it for a while. God only knows what the problem is, it looks clear on the other side, so we shouldn’t be held up on the way back. See you soon. Love you. Bye.
With deliberate care, Madeleine checked the recording was finished and then placed the phone back on the bedside table. She pulled in a long breath.
‘What happened that day, Clara?’
Clara cupped her hands over her face, hiding behind them as Madeleine repeated the question. At one stage, not so long ago, she had been desperate to reach this point, to reach a place where she could unburden herself to someone. And now that moment was at hand. She drew her hands away from her face and sighed, tipping her head so she could see Madeleine.
‘Mike wanted another baby, that was the problem.’
Madeleine looked confused. ‘You didn’t want another child?’
‘No!’ Clara levered herself up against the pillows. ‘It wasn’t that. It was just … I was so tired. Poppy used to wake a lot at night, and it was always down to me to deal with her because Mike had to get up for work the next day. I was exhausted. And then Mike started suggesting we try for another baby. I couldn’t think straight, and I needed a bit of time to myself, that was all I wanted. Just a few hours alone.’ She tried to stop the quivering in her lips.
‘So, you argued?’
Madeleine clearly didn’t understand. Clara shook her head. ‘Mike didn’t argue, he wasn’t that kind of a man. He was more than happy to take Poppy out, said it was about time they spent the day together. Daddy–daughter time, he called it. But that’s what makes it even worse.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He willingly took her. He was talking about taking her to the park, maybe visiting a toy store to buy her a game, or some building bricks. Getting some lunch somewhere. He was insisting I should have a lie-in; told me he would get Poppy some breakfast and they would fend for themselves while I relaxed at home.’ A sharp laugh punctuated her words. ‘He must have decided to take Poppy to the supermarket to buy me some sweets. And that’s when they had the accident.’
‘Oh, I see,’ Madeleine said.
‘Do you? They only went because I wanted a lie-in, a bit of time to myself. They only went because of my selfishness. They only died because of me.’ Pulling in a sharp breath, she shook her head and fixed her eyes on the ceiling again.
‘Because you wanted a bit of time to yourself?’
Clara nodded.
‘You think it’s your fault, because you wanted a bit of time to yourself? What’s wrong with wanting a few hours on your own? Survival 101 if you ask me. I’m amazed it took you that long.’
‘But they would have been at home, they would have been safe, if I hadn’t forced the issue.’
‘Forced?’ Madeleine shook her head. ‘No, Clara. No. You said he was happy to spend some time with Poppy. You said he wanted to.’
Clara closed her eyes, the skin pinched tight together between them.
Madeleine changed tack. ‘Did you ask for the sweets?’
‘No. But Mike was always doing things like that.’
‘So, you didn’t tell him to go to the supermarket?’
Clara shook her head.
‘And you had no idea what time they would be on that road?’
‘No. What difference does that make?’
‘Did you know what time the lorry would be travelling along that stretch of road? Or that its tyre was faulty? Or that the traffic would open out and the lorry driver would decide to overtake, rather than staying in the inside lane?’
