She can see the battle rage across Dan’s face. Then he gives in.
‘I don’t know why Julia tried to commit suicide, I really don’t. Julia said it was a mistake, she felt very sad and alone and she acted impulsively. She’d been at a festival the night before, she was feeling low …’
He pauses.
Rose needs to keep him talking.
‘Go on,’ she urges gently.
‘My sister, Vicky, says Julia’s manipulating me.’
There are gasps on the terrace.
‘Which is a horrible thing to say,’ Dan says quickly. ‘It’s almost as if she doesn’t understand Julia. I mean, who says something like that? But we’re here for this, aren’t we? The not-being-polite thing. The telling-it-like-it-is.’
He’s no longer adopting the stiff,I-don’t-want-to-be-herevibe and looks at Rose for confirmation that this rather sad speech is acceptable.
Rose nods her non-committal therapist’s nod and says: ‘I think it’s impossible to say what another person really means when they try to take their own life, and to call it manipulative shows a lack of empathy—’
‘I know,’ Dan interrupts. ‘I’m on Julia’s side. Vicky doesn’t understand Julia like I do. She’s wonderful but complex—’
He stops speaking as if he’s revealed too much and stares down at his long-fingered hands.
Pianist’s fingers, Rose thinks.
‘Keep going,’ she urges. ‘Julia’s very complex—’
He nods.
‘I hate talking like this about her: it sounds so one-sided. You’re not going to see how amazing she is. It’s like you’ll only see that one dimension, that Julia tried to take her own life.’
Dan has self-corrected, Rose realises.
Julia no longer tried to kill herself. She tried to take her own life.
He’s worried about saying the wrong thing.
‘I can tell you that the first time was totally a mistake, not a suicide attempt at all. She was partying and she was with people who were drinking a lot of hard alcohol and had to have her stomach pumped. She was in hospital for a week. It was terrible. Then the last time was four months ago.’
Now his face is twisted with guilt.
‘Julia …’ He pauses as if saying her name makes him wince with remembered pain. ‘… cut her wrists. She’d had a weekend with friends and there were definitely some drugs knocking around, which would absolutely affect her, bring her mood down. But no matter how much I know about brain chemistry, it’s still shocking to have someone you love do this. I can’t bear to think that she was so sad, so alone, and I still don’t know if it was a mistake or if …’ He pauses again. ‘If she meant it.’
Rose is nodding, silently urging him on.
‘She’s actually doing quite well now. She didn’t cut deep enough on either side so she didn’t need surgery to repair her wrists. Her psychiatrist said something about “parasuicide” which made it sound not as bad but it was absolutely terrifying. I thought I’d lost her.’
The terrace is silent.
‘We’d talked about moving in together and that’s off now. Julia says we need time apart, which is heartbreaking. So we’re not together, which is not my idea. Then my sister said I should come here and Julia got angry when I told her about this retreat.’
He sounds bewildered and hurt, Rose thinks.
‘Why do you think that is?’ she asks.
Dan blinks long eyelashes.
‘She saysIdon’t need to process my feelings – she does, and what do I know …? She’s angry with me and that’s …’ He actually winces now. ‘… incredibly painful. I hate hurting her because I love her so much,’ he adds dismally.
