‘But I wanted to tell you. My mum and dad had me when they were very young and they weren’t able to cope. They should never have had me – at least, that’s what my aunt Dara has always said. Not that she wanted me not to be born, because she’s like my mom. But they were young and silly, then they got married and it all fell apart.’
Just, thought Lou,like the story of Angelo and Lillian. She wondered if Lillian would have gone ahead and married Bob if she hadn’t been pregnant with Angelo’s baby.
‘So you see when I went off with Pete to live with him, Dara was upset because I said I was taking a gap year after college. It wasn’t really a gap year, it was a year where Pete wanted to spend some time with a friend of his who lived in Boyle and he had a recording studio. They were in a band—’
‘A band?’ said Lou, thinking that she’d heard this story before.
‘Yeah, a band. It’s like he’s stayed seventeen, even though he’s the same age as me,’ said Trinity. ‘When I got pregnant, I thought he’d be so vibed. We’ve been together for four years and I thought we were together forever. But I said I’d done a pregnancy test, it was positive and he got all wrathy.’
‘Wrathy?’
‘Upset,’ translated Trinity. ‘I think he was scared.’
‘Understandable,’ said Lou, being measured. She didn’t want to diss Pete if he turned out to be Trinity’s one true love. ‘But not very grown up.’
‘Exactly. I had to deal with it,’ Trinity pointed out. ‘I was pregnant. I had to figure out if I wanted a baby or an abortion. One or the other. I had to do the adulting, all by myself.’
She breathed heavily as if she might cry.
‘It must have been so scary,’ Lou said gently, ‘and Pete sounds immature.’
Trinity rolled her eyes. ‘That is not the word. He is a KID. I waited a couple of days hoping he’d come round but he was still being the kid. I have a friend in Boyle, Ferdie. He’s been so good to me. He knew I was thinking of leaving. So I left my stuff with him and left the apartment and hitched. That’s where you met me.’
‘Have you told Dara where you are?’
Trinity shook her head.
‘Dara got married a month ago, and she’s gone off on her honeymoon. She deserves it. She’s taken care of me all my life. She’s been my mom. My mom and dad are hippies. Basically, they do a lot of dope, hang around festivals and they’ve checked out of life. I don’t know how I’m going to tell Dara. She loves me but it will be like history doing déjà vu. She wanted so much more for me than to be pregnant and alone at my age. She was so thrilled when I got my degree because she thought it meant I was going to have a good life.’
‘You’re going to have the baby, then,’ Lou guessed.
‘I think so, yes,’ said Trinity. ‘I’ve been thinking of nothing else since I’ve been here, mostly because of you. The way you talk about Emily ... You’re so close. You’re part of her life, but she has her own life, you love her so much, no matter what. You’re such a great mum. And I know, from hearing you and Toni and – sorry for overhearing, but your own mum sounds like a bit of a pain and ... that’s made me worry less about repeating history.’
Lou felt her eyes fill with tears.
Trinity, young and apparently naïve, was so wise. She could see what Lou hadn’t.
Lost in the fantasy that Lillian was a perfect mother, Lou had assumed that she’d learned how to parent her beloved Emily from seeing her own mother do it.
But she knew now that Lillian manipulated people with guilt, martyrdom and tantrums. Lou had to earn her love and affection, while Lou was the sort of parent who gave love freely, unconditionally. This sudden knowledge felt both shocking and somehow freeing, too. Lou was not a failure. Sure, she liked fixing people, but she could pull back on that. She was a good mother, a good sister and a good wife. Ned might need to pull his socks up, though.
‘This trip made me see that I wanted to be a mum,’ Trinity finished. ‘I mean, I know it’s not going to be easy having a baby and trying to do a job. But I can, can’t I?’ she asked, sounding young again.
‘You’re very patient, kind and calm,’ said Lou cautiously. ‘They’re some of the main things you need as a mother. Obviously, money helps. We’re going home on Monday – what are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
Lou weighed up her fixing people tendencies and then decided that sometimes, she had to get involved.
‘If it was Emily, I’d want to know,’ she said. ‘You’re keeping the baby, so it would be great to have a support system in place. Tell Dara. If she’s angry, you can consider what to do next. But she’ll find out eventually.’
‘You think?’
‘I think.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ Trinity added. ‘I thought I’d have more fun time running around the world but ...’ She gently padded her tiny belly. ‘This little person comes first. That’s the great thing about going away, isn’t it? It puts your life back home in perspective.’
Emily had left a voicemail again. Ned was getting to dread the voicemails because, while he loved hearing his daughter’s voice, he didn’t like the faintly irritated air Emily had. He was her father. He’d bathed her, put her to bed, changed her nappy. She had absolutely no right to be telling him how to live his life like this.
