Toni had always had a theory that the reason Irish people were so friendly was because theywereislanders and as such, had to get on with neighbours from the great continent they were close to. Was Sicily the same? Populated by people with a rich culture and yet able to assimilate into the rest of the world with ease?
She stared out of the car window at the beautiful landscape and the idea drifted into her head that she could easily live here. Lou, who’d never thought of living anywhere but Whitehaven, a few miles from where she’d grown up, wondered what it would be like to make her home here. Away from her mother, away from the life she’d crafted where she did everything for everyone. It was a crazy idea, she knew. Ned couldn’t work that way – his job was in Cork. And Emily would not be able to drop over for weekends as easily as if Lou lived in Whitehaven, but what if Emily moved abroad?
What then? Lou had given her roots and wings and her beloved Emily deserved to use them.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Toni quietly.
Lou glanced over her shoulder before answering. Trinity had drifted off to sleep in the back – as she seemed to do most days.
‘Yes. After last night, I keep thinking over everything – me, Lillian, my job, even Ned, how I let people walk all over me—’
‘You don’t,’ interrupted Toni.
‘I do a bit,’ said Lou. ‘I allow it. That whole “what you allow is what will continue” thing never hit me until early this morning. You teach people how to treat you and I taught them they could treat me any old way.’
Beside her, Toni was silent.
‘I love it here, don’t you?’ Lou said, changing the subject and staring out the car window. ‘I was thinking how lovely it would be to’ – she checked herself – ‘come here more often. Mind you, I might not want to after meeting Angelo.’
‘Are you nervous?’ asked her sister.
‘It feels as if I’m going on the most awkward first date in the world,’ Lou said. ‘He might look at me and tell me to go away instantly. Which would be devastating. Although, I had a bit of devastation yesterday and look at me: still breathing, still smiling.’
What would that sort of rejection be like? How could she take it, she wondered.
Then, there was another issue: what if she hated him? She tried to explain this to her sister.
‘I also feel as if I have to like him, have to be thrilled with him because he’s my father, but what ifhe’sawful? What if he’s everything I hate in a person and I have to pretend?’
‘You don’t have to pretend,’ Toni said.
‘Of course I do!’ Lou rolled her eyes. ‘What should I do – say: “You’re really obnoxious and I think we should pretend we never met”.’ She shuddered. ‘A huge part of me wants to turn the car around and go back to the apartment. I already have a father. Why am I even doing this?’
‘We could,’ said Toni carefully. ‘But you’d have so many unanswered questions and then one day, he wouldn’t be around anymore to answer them.’
‘Yeah,’ sighed Lou. ‘You’re right. I need to do this. But it’s hard. Why is everything hard?’ she demanded. ‘Why aren’t things easy?’
Beside her, Toni grinned. ‘What doesn’t destroy us ...’
‘Yeah, makes us stronger and impervious to all future pain,’ deadpanned Lou. She rubbed her eyes. ‘Do you think I never argue with anyone and run around after people because it’s easier?’
Toni was silent. Lou realised that this was not the sort of question her sister wanted to answer because any answer would hurt Lou.
‘Forget I said that,’ she said quickly. ‘What I should have said is that people-pleasing means you can avoid facing stuff. That is a statement and not a question.’
‘Did you have overnight therapy?’
‘Yes. I did a whole psychoanalytical course while you and Trinity were asleep. I know everything now – ask me anything.’
‘Will you be able to utilise this new, improved you in all dealings with our mother and your stupid bosses?’ Toni asked.
Lou laughed. ‘Nowthat’sthe real question,’ she replied. ‘It’s easy doing it with you, but in the real world ...’
Toni shrugged. ‘It’s like being in broadcasting – you might find it hard to stand up in front of hundreds of thousands of viewers and talk at first, but you learn. It’s about practice.’
‘Are we there yet?’ asked Trinity from the back.
‘A bit further,’ said Toni.
