Astonished at this notion of simply leaving, Lou scanned her mental list: her mother, Ned, her work. They had all let her down horribly.
‘You’re right,’ she said, holding her head up to face the wind. Her new life would start now: nobody would take advantage of her again, she decided with unaccustomed ferocity.
She thought of what Mim used to say:If you can’t have a good day, just have a day. Get by.
Today, Lou could get by. Today, she would be as strong as Mim had been.
She smiled tentatively at her sister and nodded.
‘Let’s go.’
As the two women walked back along the beach in silence, Lou could sense her sister glancing at her.
‘Emily is amazing and will be fine,’ offered Toni. ‘And I bet Ned is still in bed with a hangover. What on earth was Tommy giving him to drink?’
‘Something called a Heart Starter.’
Toni rolled her eyes. ‘Heart Attacks, more like. He’ll be OK, Lou. Let’s get away from Whitehaven, just you and me. We need a bit of distance.’
‘I can’t simply walk out on people—’ began Lou and then stopped, realising she was slipping back into her default position.
Why couldn’t she walk out on people? After all, people had metaphorically walked out on her. Like Ned with his muttering about how she was such a superbly non-complaining type of person that she didn’t need a fiftieth birthday present – as if that excused him from making an effort. Could he not have got her something, a little bracelet, something in the costume jewellery line, nothing expensive. How much effort would that have taken? Very little. Instead, it was ‘Good old Lou: she won’t mind.’ Well, actually, shedidmind. He hadn’t even got her a card, not even flowers.
The thought of flowers brought her to the infamy of Oszkar and Bettina. Her pulse began to race as another blast of unfamiliar temper hit her. They hadn’t come to her party, had sent an excuse and a paltry bunch of flowers. Yellow carnations. Lou’s least-loved flowers. If she’d been making a bouquet for an important member of staff, she’d have created a sumptuous marriage of creamy calla lilies, Vendela roses and tender eucalyptus stems all held together with sprays of lisianthus and phlox. Not a few limp carnations fluffed up with a bit of gypsophila. Thoughtless.
Toni began to lead Lou up the path to where their cars were parked.
‘I was going for the office manager’s job and I didn’t get it,’ Lou blurted out. There was no point holding it back. Time for all the shameful secrets to tumble out. Time for everything to come out, actually.
Toni stopped walking briefly.
‘Why not?’
‘I don’t have a business degree.’
Lou felt another blast of temper surge. How dare they?
‘That didn’t worry them when you were running the place single-handedly every time they’re not there.’
‘Exactly.’ Lou allowed the anger to flood her instead of stopping it at the pass. It felt very strange. She was never angry or, if she was, she flattened the anger down. Nobody liked anger. Nobody liked anxiety, either, which was why she flattened that down for other people too, just experienced it herself without telling people how she felt.
‘Lillian was the worst,’ Lou said, and suddenly the anger gave way to pure rage, which surged through her body in a strange and unfamiliar way. ‘I can’t get my head around it, Toni. Can’t believe it. How could she do that? And to tell me last night, like that ...?’
Toni sighed. ‘Our mother is tricky,’ she said.
They were at the cars now. Toni’s all-electric luxury car sat alongside Lou’s old Nissan.
‘I know but—’ began Lou, and then stopped. ‘Actually, I didn’t know. I had no idea. She was like a stranger last night. She’s always been a bit temperamental, but she’s artistic, that’s what they’re like, right? I took care of her, adored her, wanted to be like her. Do you realise that I have done everything Lillian ever asked of me, no matter how inconvenient? I didn’t go to college because of her – and has she ever apologised for that? No. Last night it was like she didn’t care if she hurt me or not. How could someone do that to a person they loved? How could she do that to me?’
Her mother’s face the night before appeared in her mind: Lillian enraged and not caring who she hurt.
Beside her, Toni said nothing – what was there to say?
‘I honestly can’t believe what she said, in front of everyone, like that.’ Lou was still unravelling it all. ‘I mean, is it true? Was she joking? It was like she wanted to hurt me?’
Toni didn’t answer; instead, she opened the passenger door of her car and settled Lou into it. She peered into Lou’s car. It was locked, no handbag or anything else on the seat. Toni frowned. Lou never moved without a handbag of some sort, one with plasters, a spare protein bar, handkerchiefs, handwipes, plastic bags for the beach, paracetamol should someone else need them. Lou’s handbag was full of things for other people. She must have been incredibly distressed to leave home without one.
‘I’ll drive,’ Toni said. ‘Where shall we go?’
