I’m still sleeping thanks to half a sleeping tablet but I feel so guilty about them. I need to tell Dan, I can’t keep this secret from him any longer. Speaking truth in my support groups makes me aware that I need to speak it to my beloved Dan too. But what if he hates me for keeping it secret? Dan barely takes a painkiller if he falls off his bike: he hates drugs. He’s been going on about the sleeping tablets for a long time and I now make sure he never sees me take them, so I am more or less pretending I no longer do.
What will happen when he finds out I still am?
‘Mum,’ roars Lexi up the stairs, ‘come on, we’ll be late!’
God forbid you’re late to the lunch of the century, coos Mildred. Teddy has packed a small rucksack of cuddlies in case she’s bored and Liam has his drawing things.
We drive along the city towards one of the poshest pieces of real estate in the whole country. Houses here regularly sell for sums that involve more digits than I can possibly count. But since I’m quite bad at counting, that isn’t hard.
‘Wow,’ says Lexi, looking out the car windows. ‘This is so cool, it’s like lifestyles of the rich and famous.’
‘Yeah,’ I say brightly,’ but it’s not about the big houses, it’s about the people inside ...’
‘Hungry,’ shrieks Teddy at the top of her voice, ‘hungry!’
‘Give her some raisins, maybe,’ says Dan, who has a hint of strain in his voice. I look at him.
‘Raisins are so over,’ I say.
‘Ice cream, cereal,’ shouts Teddy. Liam giggles. Teddy then kicks the back of my seat.
‘Stop it, darling,’ I say, knowing she is bored.
I lean closer to Dan, who is driving.
‘Do you think this is a good idea?’ I whisper. ‘I was trying to give Lexi a sense of family ...’
‘Brilliant,’ he says.
I grin at him.
‘OK, thank you.’
‘You’re a genius,’ he says. ‘Lexi needs this.’
We turn into the biggest, most fabulous house on the street: a massive red brick Victorian, flanked by two gates with – I kid you not – stone lions on top of them and from what I can see, an actual fountain in the front circle of lawn. The driveway runs like a horseshoe around from one big gate to the other, in and out. I’d bet a lot that the gates were electric.
Wow. This is certainly not what we are used to. I felt very glad Adele hadn’t come to our house. I love it but we haven’t done anything with it yet and then, I stop myself.
Dan and I have brought up Lexi, taken care of her, made sure she slept at night, was safe, loved, adored.Wewent to her dance recitals and brought her to ballet classes, not Elisa, not any of the Markhams. We’d taken care of her when she had vomiting bugs, had nits, had laboured over homework. We’d done it. So I wasn’t going to be intimidated by all this money.
If I could deal with life after a mugging – well, thanks to my support group, which was proving invaluable – I could deal with the Markham family’s obvious wealth.
‘Want ice cream,’ announces Teddy. ‘Oh, swimming pool!’ She’d caught sight of the fountain.
‘That’s a special swimming pool only for fish,’ I say. ‘People are not allowed in it in case they stand on the fish.’ Being able to fib at short notice is a very important skill for a mother and I have the imagination for it.
Dan keys in the number to the pad at the electric gate and it swings open seamlessly.
‘It’s amazing,’ says Lexi, awestruck, and I feel a shiver of alarm and annoyance. I thought we’d taught her that stuff like that doesn’t matter, that who you were was what was important. And yet here she is with her mouth open, looking at this house.
Instead of having to wait to be let in by a butler, Adele Markham and her husband, William, whom I have always thought is straight from central casting from a Ralph Lauren advert stand at the open door. A coppery spaniel is at their feet, sitting perfectly.
For once, unlike the times we have met her over the years when she’s been all done up, Adele has clearly dressed down – or her version of it. She’s wearing chinos and a white shirt with actual pearls around her neck. She looks anxious.
She and William come forward, with the spaniel bounding up happily, ears and trailing dog fur flying.
‘A dog,’ cries Lexi and gets to her knees.
