She rested her free palm on his thigh. “I’m sorry.”
The side of his mouth ticked up. His father’s disease was just the tip of the damn iceberg. “Thanks, so am I. He’s battled with his addiction for as long as I can remember. Well,battledisn’t the right word. More like ignored. Refused to acknowledge he has a problem.”
“That had to be tough on you and Tara.”
He nodded and steadied his nerves. “My mom tried to shield us from most of his issues. She took the brunt of his anger when he was drunk or would take us to stay at our grandparents’ when he’d disappear on a binge. For us, it was just normal. That was life. He gave me my first beer at thirteen. I thought he was so cool. We’d sneak into the garage and toss a few back. He’d laugh at me when I had too much.”
Memories of his father’s harsh words and quick fists attacked him, and nausea swam in his gut.
Clearing his throat, he forced himself to keep speaking. “As I got older, it got worse. I tried to intercept his anger, always stepped in the way if he went after my mom or Tara. I tried to protect them. Tried to keep them safe. I failed.”
Emotion welled up, misting his eyes and constricting his airway. All the pain and fear and guilt crashed over him, threatening to pull him under a wave of despair. This was why he kept his past buried. Kept everything under lock and key,refusing to let it see the light of day. Because it was too much to relive. Too much to remember.
Eve wrapped her arms around his middle and held him. “I’m sure you did everything you knew how to do, and I’m sure your mom and Tara would agree.”
“He killed her. He killed my mom and never even paid for it.” The words fell out of his mouth along with all the pent-up tears and sadness he’d held inside. And now that they were out, he couldn’t hide them any longer. “I tried to stop him from hitting Tara one night, and my mom intervened. He screamed. Raged like I’d never seen. My mom begged him to leave us alone and to just go. He got behind the wheel—dragging my mom into the passenger seat—and ran into a tree.”
Rawness scraped against his throat, and his heart shattered all over again. The ache he’d carried around since his mother’s death grew into a gaping hole. Trapped sobs stole his breath, causing his chest to heave as he struggled not to choke on his sorrow. “I couldn’t save my own mother, couldn’t stop my father from hurting everyone he claimed to love. I don’t want to fail again. I wouldn’t survive failing Tara, failing you. Every single day is a battle against control. Controlling my choices, my decisions, my actions. If I slip up, if I do the wrong thing, there’s no telling who could get hurt.”
She held him tighter, and he crumpled against her. He was wrong. Unleashing this burden didn’t lighten the load, it clarified what he needed to do. He had to keep his distance from Eve. She was too important to risk.
A heaviness settled on Eve’s shoulders like a two-ton weighted blanket. She wrapped her arms as tight around Reid’s strong, muscular body as she could, wanting to absorb his pain. Butdeep down, she understood that nothing she said or did could take away his trauma. She couldn’t fix or heal him.
All she could do was support him and offer encouragement while hoping he could see himself the same way everyone else in his life did.
Tears fell down her face. She couldn’t pretend to understand what he’d been through. Her childhood hadn’t been perfect—nobody’s was—but she’d never doubted her parents loved her. She’d never doubted they’d always had her best interest at heart and tried their hardest to provide the best life possible.
A jolt of reality stole her breath.
Legacy.
That’s what she’d said that’d freaked him out so bad. A fresh set of tears filled her eyes. Refusing to let Reid believe he was to blame for his father’s sins, she dashed them away and pulled back just enough to see his face. “I hate that this happened to you. I hate that you grew up with so much turmoil and that your mother lost her life protecting you and your sister. You deserved better. You all did.”
He shook his head. “I should have done more. I should have stopped her from getting in that truck.”
She flattened her palm on his face and forced him to see her, to hear her. “It doesn’t sound like you could have stopped what happened.”
“How can you say that?” He yanked back as if trying to escape her touch, but she wouldn’t let him.
“You tried as hard as you could. And as much as you wanted to protect her, she was doing the same.”
He closed his eyes and breathed in deep through his nose. “I tell Tara that, but I’m not sure I really believe it.”
“I do, and I believe your mom’s so proud of the man you are. You aren’t your father, Reid. You’ve been so worried about becoming the man he is, you haven’t accepted the fact thatyou’re the man your mother raised. You have carried onherlegacy.”
His eyes flew open, and the mixture of doubt and hope that shone through devastated her. “What do you mean?”
“She was your protector. Your champion. She instilled in you a need to serve others. Hell, you put your life on hold to serve and protect the citizens of this country. You’ve chosen a career where you keep others safe. I’m sure if you asked Tara, she’d share countless memories of when you stood up for her. Kept her from being on the opposite end of your father’s wrath. You might think you have to maintain strict control in order to save others from yourself, but honey, your actions are continually putting other people’s needs before your own. You are your mother’s son.”
A small smile cracked through his despair. “I want to believe that. I want so bad to think she’s proud of me. But I left Tara behind. I ran away from my dad and all his issues and just left her stuck.”
“No, you set healthy boundaries for your own sake and, from what I understand, tried for years to get Tara to do the same. And all that trying has paid off. She’s here now, and maybe with you both across the country, your father will finally get the help he needs.”
He huffed out a derisive snort. “I doubt it, and honestly, I don’t care. I wasted so much time consumed with wanting him to get better. I can’t spend any more energy on someone who’s hell-bent on destroying himself and everyone around him.”
She wasn’t sure if he was being honest with himself, but right now, that didn’t matter. “Sounds like your dad has a lot of demons, and it’s up to him to fix them. Just like you’re the only one who can decide if you’re going to let your past dictate your future.”
His jaw tightened, and he dropped his gaze to his lap. “I don’t know how to not let the mess of my past get in the way.”
