Iwas aware of him next to me all night, and I felt him leave to take up watch. After that I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I lay awake, trying to take away the edge of need. My fingers slid over my skin, but I found no relief. I waited until the sky lightened, before getting up and going to him. I don’t know why, only that I needed something only he can give me.
I know it’s biology, and that he doesn’t really want me. That thought should be enough to make me keep my distance, but I need more than my hand. I want to know what it’s like to be with a man. With him.
The words won’t form. I can’t ask him, because I don’t want to hear him say no. I try to pull away but his arm bands around me. The other one rests over my lower belly.
“Tell me what you want, and I will give it to you.” His lips brush my temple, and I can almost pretend that he wants me, because of who I am, not because his body is making him want me.
“It doesn’t matter. It was stupid.” My panties are damp, and my clit is throbbing. His thick, hard dick pressing against my ass isn’t helping. I need to remind him this isn’t about me. “You don’t want me anyway…you want your real mate.”
The woman he risked everything for and lost because he was the fourth born son.
He makes a pained noise. “I want nothing more than to push my fingers into your pants and make you gasp with pleasure.”
A little moan escapes my lips. That’s what I want him to do to me. I lift my hips, hoping his hand will slide lower, but it doesn’t.
“You need to ask.” His voice is deep and soft.
“Why?” I lift my hips again, not sure if I want to break free of his grip of if I want him to fuck me with his fingers.
“Because that is the way it is. To even be asked is…it matters.”
I pause. “Is it the first step to choosing a mate?”
I don’t want to make a mistake and accidentally choose him.
“No woman would choose a man who hasn’t proven his worth as a mate, both in bed and out.” His breath is on my ear and my heartbeat quickens. “But it is not something that is done lightly and every warrior, even those who will be banished, are taught what to do.”
“You’re taught how to have sex?
“How to please a woman. No warrior wants his mate to throw him out of their bed and find another. They will end up suffering the rut alone.”
Sunif has already survived that once.
For him, having sex with a woman is not something that is done recklessly, the way human men do, because not every Honey man will find a mate. And the human men I know don’t care about what a woman wants, as there are plenty of others who will take what they can get.
Sunif’s hand presses against my pubic bone. I know he won’t laugh if I ask. He’s not going to turn around and say he’s dating someone else because there is no one else.
I’m it, the only woman he can put his hands on. The bitterness of the thought catches me off guard. I can hear my sister laughing and teasing that I can’t find a date, and my mother reminding me it doesn’t matter, as the colony leaders will sort it all out. It was easier to put on a smile and pretend that I didn’t care.
But I do care.
I saw the way Edilk looked at Sabine and I want that. I don’t want to be tolerated, or temporary. I want…
I want to be loved and desired, and all of that.
Sunif will never look at me that way.
Lust still eddies through my veins, but I can’t ask. That was not our agreement. I swallow but before I can speak, his hold loosens.
“Go, before I overstep,” he growls in my ear. He releases me, but I can’t move.
He is rejecting me, even though he is craving sex. I press my lips together to stop them from trembling. Why didn’t I just ask?
“You don’t want me?” My voice quivers. They aren’t the words I was supposed to say. I was supposed to brush him off, gather the blanket and stride away as though I don’t care.
I expect him to push me away, but he doesn’t. “What I want and what I will give, and what you want and will give, are all very different things.” His words are quiet and rough. His hand moves over my thigh, the pressure of his fingertips punctuating each word. “I offer you protection from the others, time for you to adjust to your banishment—a curtesy I never had. That was the deal, and I will abide by it unless you ask for change.”
“If I break the agreement, they will think you did something wrong.”
