He’d been a friend. And that was what she needed most right now.
His voice broke the quiet, its vibrato low and quiet. “Your thoughts are probably burning more fuel than this fire.”
A smile slipped out before she could stop it. That image felt right. Her head was clogged with so much steam that she had to release it or else the kettle would squeal.
She let out a sigh. "I'm just…worried I'm making a mistake. Taking Anna away from your family." She swallowed hard, hoping to stop her voice’s trembling. "They’ve been good to her, and she loves them so. What if… What if I'm doing more harm than good?"
“You’re doing what you think is best, and that’s your job as her aunt. What else can you do?”
A surge of anger flared in her chest. She tossed a dry twig into the flickering flames. "But also…” Should she admit this? Did it make her small? Petty?
Probably.
But she needed to say it anyway.
“Part of me is angry at Anna." Even as the words came out, she wanted to snap them back. But the relief of them finally not clogging her throat made her keep going. "I gave up everything for her, so we can be together. Can't she at least go into it with an open mind?"
Shame rolled over her, thick and hot. What was she saying? That her poor seven-year-old niece, who’d endured enough trauma to leave some adults sniveling in bed, should be more grateful? "I’m a horrible person. So selfish. She deserves so much better than I can ever give her." She covered her face with her hands. What must Jonah think of her?
He shifted beside her. "You're not a horrible person, Patsy.” His voice was gentle. “And you're certainly not selfish." A long moment passed, but she didn’t have the courage to look up before he spoke again. "This whole situation is hard—for her, but for you, too. You lost your whole family, all but Anna. You’re doing everything you can for your niece, and that’s all anyone can ask."
She glanced at him, his profile illuminated by the flickering firelight as he stared into the flames.
“I think it’s pretty normal to be angry when things don’t go the way you planned. I was mad at God after all that happened with Naomi last year.” He grimaced. “Maybe even before that. Maybe I’ve been mad at him since Lucy left. Back then, I remember asking Him why. Why He let her go. It never felt like I got an answer. And things just got worse for her. That skunk of a man she married gambled and drank away every penny, so she barely had enough food for her and the kids. Then he got sick and died.”
Jonah paused for a breath, then pushed on. “I hoped she’d come home then. I evenprayedshe’d come home.” His voice graveled. “But she didn’t. Stubborn woman. She stayed right where she was, determined to make it on her own. As if she ever had a chance.” He shook his head, his voicetaking on a bitter tang. “Instead, Jericho went to check on her and arrived just before she died.”
She couldn’t blame him for bitterness. Why had God let that happen to such a good family? Was Lucy punished because she’d run off in the first place, against her family’s wishes? If that was the reason, Patience had no hope of ever seeing God’s good graces. She’d married Michael against her parent’s wishes, leaving with him for parts unknown. And surely a gambler was worse than a miner, even a miner who lost all his money gambling.
Silence hung between Jonah and herself, thick enough to clog her throat. She didn’t want Jonah to know her own sins, not when he was still dealing with his sister’s. She’d rather change the subject. Speak of something lighter. Something more pleasant than the condemnation of a wrathful God.
But before she could find a topic, Jonah blew out a breath.
“There’s something else, though. Something I’ve been hearing about all my life. God’s been reminding me of it lately.” He sent her a rueful look. “Goddoeslove us. He created us, and He knew from the very beginning what would happen in our lives. What choices we would make, what hardships would come our way.
His brow creased, and his words came slowly, as if each one were a precious gem, and he was low on cash. “God wants more than anything for us to turn to Him when trials come. He wants us to hide in His protection when it seems nothing can go right. To let Him show us just how much He loves us. He does hate sin, but He’snota God of punishment. He’s made a way for us to be free, so that when we come to Him and ask His forgiveness, our sin disappears. Then He wraps us in His arms…and loves us.” Jonah’s shoulders relaxed with those last words. Maybe the thought of God’s love took away the weight he’d carried.
But could it be true? Could there be a way for Patience to be free of all her mistakes?
He turned to face her. “I let my anger at God steal away the peace in being His child and the love He’s trying to show me.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “He has that same love for you. All you have to do is turn to Him. Ask for His forgiveness. Ask to be His daughter so you don’t have to fight through life on your own.”
Jonah sounded almost like the corner preacher who’d come through Missoula once. He’d talked about God’s love and forgiveness. Nice ideas, but if God took a look at the list of things Patience needed forgiveness for, He’d send her off with aSorry, ma’am—if she was lucky.
She summoned a smile. “I’ll keep that in mind. Just now, I have my hands full with Anna. I just need to get us to Fort Benton so I can contact my mother’s solicitor. He’ll tell me the next steps for us.” She eased out a long breath. “One day at a time. I’ve barely been an aunt for most of her life. It’s going to take work to learn how to be a decent mother.”
His easy smile showed she’d not offended him. "I remember when Lillian and Sean first came to live with us after Lucy died. I didn't know how to handle kids, especially a pair grieving like that. I wasn't a great uncle. Especially not at first." He chuckled. "I'd only had little brothers growing up, and you could just knock them in line when they needed it. Can't do that with a girl."
The thought forced out a short, mirthless laugh. Knocking her in line was one thing her own father hadn’t tried. His other methods had worked well enough. "My father found ways to tame my sister and me." Ways she wouldn’t be using with Anna.
The weight of Jonah’s gaze landed on her, but she kept her focus on the fire. She shouldn’t have said that about her father, but something about Jonah made her want to let out the pain.
“Like what ways?” Jonah’s voice held that gentle tone again, though steel ran through the core.
Her eyes burned as the memories roseunbidden, the old hurt as sharp as ever. "I don’t know. When I wasn’t good enough, he just…put me away. Like I didn’t matter.” That didn’t sound so painful. It didn’t capture the way things had truly been.
She pulled up one of the memories. “When I was about five, my mother’s cousin and his family came to celebrate Christmas with us. We’d all been looking forward to it for weeks, and I’d been especially excited because they had a daughter my age and I so wanted a special friend.
“Mama had planned a special party for Christmas Eve, and invited several other families. Before the evening began, Father and Mama’s cousin were sitting in his office, smoking and talking. I had found an injured cat outside and brought it in. It was struggling to breathe and bleeding everywhere. I knew she needed help, and when I spotted my father, I thought… I carried the cat into his office and set her down on his desk. Blood got on several of his business papers.” She had to swallow the knot that clogged her throat as the memory of Papa’s face rose in her mind.
