‘Us. This.’ He raises their joined hands, then unlinks their fingers. ‘I don’t want to have you here one minute and not the next. I’ll try to believe you when you say you didn’t mean to hurt me. And I saw you that night – I know something scared you.’ He hesitates, seeming to try to choose the right words. ‘You asked if I wasn’t a relationship kind of guy before, and I guess I haven’t been. But things are different with you. I get that you’re scared to commit. And I get why. I could try to convince you, promise not to hurt you, but I don’t think making promises like that is smart.’ He shakes his head sadly. ‘We both know you can never be sure what the future will hold.’ He sighs again, closes his eyes briefly. ‘But I don’t want to keep doing this maybe-almost-nearly thing we’re doing.’
She swallows and nods, because that’s totally fair, isn’t it? And because maybe this way he is taking the choice out of her hands, so she doesn’t have to be responsible for making the wrong one.
‘I’m leaving,’ he says abruptly, but makes no move to get up. And slowly she realises what he means.
‘Leaving? As in leaving Bath?’
‘Yeah. I’m not sure where yet. Maybe Brazil.’
‘Brazil?’
‘Yeah. Or, I don’t know, somewhere. I just … I don’t want to hang around, waiting. The only reason I came back to stay was because of Dad. And now …’
Something horrible takes hold of her insides. But … ‘I get it,’ she says, trying to keep her voice even. Trying not to let on how her throat is closing at the thought that he won’t be around any more.
His gaze slides to hers, and she wonders if he can hear it anyway. ‘Do you?’
She pushes the heels of her hands to her eyes. ‘I … I’m not being like this to hurt you,’ she says again, needing him to understand that. ‘Part of me wants so much to give it a go, but …’
‘That’s the thing, Liss,’ he says gently. ‘I don’t want to be a “but”.’
She swallows. ‘It’s just … I know this doesn’t make sense, but I …’ How the hell is she supposed to explain? ‘Sometimes,’ she continues, a little hurriedly, ‘I get these flashbacks. Like stuff from another life. And I think they’re showing me …’ She breaks off, because she can see the way he’s looking at her. Not like this resonates, but like he’s ever so slightly alarmed. She tries a different tack. ‘I went to see a … well, a psychic, I guess you could call her, and—’
‘Lissa. If you’re trying to think of a way to let me down gently, this isn’t it.’
‘I’m not trying to let you down at all.’ Her voice is small, pleading. ‘I’m just trying to be careful.’
He smiles, a little sadly. ‘I know you are. But Liss, there’s a whole world waiting out there.’ He brushes his knuckles lightly across her chin. ‘Let me know when you decide you want to live in it, okay?’
He gets to his feet, and she immediately does too. ‘I’ll walk back with you,’ she says.
‘No.’ He smiles again, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. ‘I am so glad you came. And I know my dad would have been happy about it too. But I need a beat, if that’s okay.’
She wants to protest, to tell him she’ll stick with him, but he’s right, she can’t keep being there for him one moment and not the next. It’s not fair. So she nods.
He walks a few steps away, then glances back over his shoulder to where she’s still standing by the dead tree. His gaze holds hers, and the corner of his mouth crooks up ever so slightly. ‘I love you, Lissa.’ Her breath hitches and something inside her catapults at those words. ‘I know the timing sucks, but … I guess I just thought you should know that, before I go.’
Her whole body prickles. She can feel her pulse thrumming at her throat. He hands the words out so easily. Perhaps because he knows instinctively just how little time there is to say how you feel.
She wants to say it back. She wants to – but she can’t. She hovers there in indecision while he waits. A choice. She needs to make a choice.
In the end, all she can get out is ‘Will I see you before you go?’
He levels a look at her. He must see it. Surely he must see what she can’t bring herself to say. But she worries from the way his eyes shutter that he can’t. ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I’ll come say goodbye when everything’s packed up.’
She nods, swallows. When she speaks, her voice is barely a whisper. ‘Okay.’
And this time, it is him, walking away from her.
Chapter Thirty
Lissa sits at her desk at work, staring at the email.
Dear Lissa, Thank you so much for your time last week. Unfortunately, on this occasion, we’ve decided to go ahead with another candidate. We very much enjoyed meeting you and …
She doesn’t care about the rest. She knew the second interview hadn’t gone well, but still, it’s hard to stop the sinking feeling in her stomach. Ash is leaving. She didn’t get the job she wanted – and shedidwant it. It felt positive to think about doing something different. So now what? She doesn’t think she can face going back to the job hunt. She doesn’t think she can face being here without Ash.
‘Lissa?’ Darcy whispers. ‘What’s up?’
