I have to bark out a harsh laugh.
I’ve been trying to keep it inside of me, this sharp piece of laughter, but it bursts out like a bullet. Like my body has been a loaded gun for so long and finally, finally the shot is fired.
Becausefinally, I understand.
Finally, things make sense.
They makeperfectsense.
Convenience.
That’s it. That’s what our relationship has been all about.
We’ve been together because somehow our ambitions matched and everything came easy. We both brought something to the table – I was the popular jock and she was the good girl.
I gave her the status she craved and she was the perfect girlfriend who stood by me through the years while I achieved my dreams. Who encouraged me and never distracted me from my main goal.
My main focus – soccer.
In fact, when I graduated a semester earlier than her and was drafted, I didn’t even think twice about leaving her behind. I was so fucking ecstatic about it.Shewas ecstatic about it.
Things were falling into place for us.
Our dreams were coming true.
But when she cheated, all that convenience went away, didn’t it?
All the plans were broken.
Suddenly, all I could think about was her breaking my trust. All I could think about was her fucking my friend on our couch, in our bed, in hotel rooms. Her fucking him with my ring on her finger and me failing to figure it out.
Suddenly, my perfect girlfriend became a distraction, a failure. My perfect relationship turned out to be a lie.
I couldn’t focus on my training. I couldn’t focus on the game.
And I couldn’t… win.
Yeah.
I lost a game, didn’t I?
A week after I read those texts on Sarah’s phone and found out about her betrayal, we had a big game. I was so shocked, so shaken up and out of it, that I wasn’t at my one hundred percent. I missed a couple of goals and we lost.
I haven’t forgotten that defeat, no. I remember it very clearly.
But what I did forget is the fact that that’s when I hit Ben.
That’swhen my anger snapped and I broke the rule.
The day after we lost the game.
I hit him because I lost. Because theymademe lose, Sarah and Ben and what they did. Because they distracted me from my one and only focus and because they stained my perfect relationship.
JesusfuckingChrist.
That’s why.
That’s why I’ve been soangry. I’ve been so tormented and fucking tortured.
