Mary reaches across the table and pats my hand. “You know you always have a place with me, but I don’t think you’re meant to be here forever. Now, tell me about the Puffer girl’s progress.”
Two weeks later, Mary’s words are still swimming around in my brain.
Sometimes it takes life throwing you a curveball to realize you need a change.
Juniper was the curveball, and now I’m questioning everything I thought I wanted.
I thought I wanted to keep travelling the rodeo circuit, to compete and sleep in a different motel every night. I thought I wanted to continue having one-night stands and being single.
I don’t want it anymore.
I want to sleep in a bed covered in floral sheets, next to a woman who sometimes gets nightmares and jolts awake. I want tobe there on her good days and bad days, to help her through her anxiety attacks and depressive episodes. The thought of being with anyone besides my sunshine makes me sick.
But she hasn’t texted. Neither have I. I don’t know if the Calhouns have a permanent spot on the ranch, and I can’t follow Juniper around all day. I need a job, something to do, and they don’t have a training facility on the ranch, so teaching is out of the question.
There’s every chance she’s moved on from our summer fling, even if deep down I hope she hasn’t. No, I don’t want her to suffer, but I’d feel better if I knew I wasn’t alone in my heartbreak.
Does she think about me as often as I think about her? Does she remember how it feels to be wrapped around each other at night? I remember every single thing about her, and my heart aches when I think about her sleepy smile or the way she used to bury her face into my shoulder in her sleep.
I’ve been invited to compete in a smaller rodeo in Idaho the first week of April, and I think it’s the perfect event to ease Athena in. The town the event is in is only five hours from Forget Me Not Ranch, so I’ve already sent an email to Sullivan to invite him to see us compete.
Even though I know she won’t, part of me hopes Juniper will show up, too.
Chapter 29
The storm cloudsroll in through the window. We’re set to be hit with another round of heavy snow, which gives me the perfect excuse not to leave the comfort of my bed.
Not that I’ve been giving excuses. I haven’t been talking to anyone, really. Oakley’s tried, bless her and her sweet soul, and so has Shiloh, but I’m not good company right now.
How can I be when my heart has been ripped out of my chest and run through a hay baler?
Winter always brings a bout of depression with it. Usually, with an adjustment to my medication and my usual coping skills, I don’t feel it as hard. It’s there still, of course. It’s harder to find the motivation to shower, to eat, and I find myself wanting to stay in bed more than normal, but this season is different.
It’s particularly brutal.
I thought I’d be okay. The leaves changed colors like they always do, and all I could think about was how I wish Addison were here to enjoy the beauty of the ranch bathed in deep golds and vibrant oranges.
It was naive of me to think I would be okay after Addison, tobelieve I could spend all summer getting to know her, falling for her, and let her go. Pretend it was nothing.
It’s far from nothing.
Addisonis far from nothing.
She’severything.
Thinking about her always brings a fresh wave of tears, and I’malwaysthinking about her. I keep trying to pull myself up and out of the black hole that’s sucked me deep. I need to be out there, helping Briar and getting to know Hudson. I know he’s only three, but I don’t want him to think of me as the sad lady who never leaves her house.
It’s almost Christmas, too. The holiday should be filled with laughter and joy. I should be baking cookies with Mama and playing in the snow with Hudson. Oakley and I should be warming up by dancing at The Mule and having girls’ nights when Shiloh isn’t working. I haven’t even bought. anyone gifts. I’ve barely found the energy to shower.
I’m the worst human alive. A weight dragging everyone down into the misery of my own making.
Logically, I know this is only for a time, and things will get better eventually, but damn if it doesn’t suck right now.
I check the time on my phone. Almost dinner time. Mama practically begged me to come to the main house for dinner, and I agreed. The prospect of a meal that isn’t toaster pastries, instant noodles, or cereal sounds enticing.
I just hope I have the appetite.
I have a few missed texts from Shiloh and Oakley, and even though I don’t expect her to text or call, I’m still disappointed that Addison hasn’t reached out.
