You’re not good enough.
The thing about growing up knowing your parent had abandoned you, was that it left you with insecurity and self-worth issues.
I knew he’d left the office shortly after. But I didn’t know where he’d gone or even if he’d left for the day. Until the call came through from Lou’s Bike Emporium.
“It did. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have to ask the sales guy if I could borrow his phone? His name was Carl. I don’t think he was twenty. The office phone number was the only one I could actually recall off the top of my head.”
We merged onto the highway heading west toward his development.
“Do you like it?”
“What? The car?” I asked him. The Volvo I was driving was one of his many extra cars that he made available for my driving lessons.
“Driving,” he clarified.
“Sure. It’s okay. Tanner’s a good teacher.”
“He should be for what I’m paying him.”
“I didn’t ask you to pay for a teacher,” I said quietly. “I could have just taken the normal lessons from the guy at the DMV.”
“I wanted the best.”
There were multiple follow up questions I could ask, but I didn’t see the point.
“What were you doing at a bike store anyway?”
We were on the highway now. Four lanes of fast-moving traffic. I wasn’t the fastest driver, but I wasn’t the slowest either. I drove like I’d been taught. Carefully and defensively. If I needed to make a lane change, I signaled with my blinker and always checked my blind spot.
He didn’t answer me for what felt like the longest time, until I took the exit ramp off the highway and merged on to a two-lane road.
“Something you said before Thanksgiving,” he finally said. “About what I would do with an afternoon off. I didn’t have a clue.”
“Sooooo…biking?”
“It’s a hobby isn’t it?” he said, getting defensive. “There’s the bike and the equipment. Plus, all sorts of wearable gear. The salesman was telling me all about it. You can race or go off road depending on the bike.”
“All by yourself,” I muttered. Under my breath, but not really.
“What does that mean?”
“Just that if you’re thinking about re-joining the human race outside of work, it might be helpful to join activities with…um…what’s the word I’m looking for…humans.”
“I don’t…I’ve never been great. With other people. Even before Allison.”
“Do tell!” I said in mock surprise.
“Enough about me,” he said, clearly ready to change the subject. “Are you going to tell me what this morning was all about?”
“I’m sorry?” I said, being deliberately obtuse.
“Your door. You slammed it shut. That’s typically a gesture of anger.”
“It got away from me when I was closing it,” I lied.
“Fine. We can play this game all day, Flowers.”
“What game is that?”
