I keep my eyes shut and try to slow my breathing, wanting to see what she says or does first.
“Noah?” Her voice is scratchy, vulnerable—but my eyes stay closed. “I’m sorry about tonight, that was beyond immature. I don’t know what came over me. Watching that girl wrapped around you had me seeing red. And my brain was like, ‘He’s not even your boyfriend, who cares?’ But I do care. Still, for me to go and dance with other guys instead of you wasn’t the right move. I know that. It’s whyI stayed with the girls the rest of the night. I was kicking rocks because I acted childish—which was also not the mature way to make it right. You’ve had my whole heart for so long Noah … so much of my grieving post-breakup had nothing to do with Paul.”
Her hand lands on mine, sending electric currents through me as she continues, “Connor told me it’s his fault you calledand told me not to go to school in Texas. Maybe we each hold our own blame, but that was a long time ago now. I know you said you used to love me, and maybe somewhere along the line, you can learn to love me again. For now, I hope you’ll forgive me first.”
I wrap my hand around hers and she gasps.
“Hi,” I whisper, opening my eyes.
In the darkness, I can barely make out her features, but I know part of her is panicking and wishing she could run away right now. This was clearly supposed to be a trial run for an apology she’d give me tomorrow.
“I didn’t m-mean to w-wake you,” she stammers after a beat of silence.
“You didn’t, I’ve been restless all night,” I admit.
“You can take your bed back,” she offers, looking down at the ground.
“I’m fine here. Carry on with what you wanted to say.”
She lets out a soft laugh. “It was going to be ten times easier if you were sleeping.”
I drop my hand from hers, turning to lay on my back with my eyes closed.
“What are you doing?” I can hear the smile in her voice.
“Fake sleeping. Duh.”
She exhales, and it sounds like she shifts on the coffee table. A hand lands on the side of my face. “You’re too sweet, Noah Benson.”
My lips twitch but I don’t reply with words, just the sound of fake snores.
She stifles a laugh before speaking again, “The worst part of my breakup wasn’t realizing I settled for someone who never held a candle to you—never gave me butterflies. It was realizing thatIwas the liar in the relationship long before Paul was, because I never loved him. Not the way I loved you.”
Her words make my eyes open, but her hand lands over my face.
“Close your eyes so I can get through this, okay?” she pleads as a smile fills my face.
“Yes, ma’am.”Fuck, she’s cute.
“You always felt like a safe space to me and he just felt … subpar. My heart shattered when you left, and it had nothing to do with me being a hormonal teenager. When Paul told me it was over, I expected to cry; but when the door slammed, my first thought was you. I’m embarrassed to admit how often my first thought has been you over the last few years.”
She sighs, so I whisper, “Can I open my eyes for a second?”
“Fine.”
I sit up, and put a hand on her cheek as her profile outline comes back into view.
Her eyes are watery and when a single tear escapes, I wipe it away.
“Auddie, there are a million things I’m sorry for. I don’t know where we go from here officially, but I know you still have some stuff to work through and figure out. I don’t want you rushing into something you’re not ready for. I chose you too late, I know that. But here we are, back in each other's lives and for now, that’s good enough for me. It’s a lot for me too, trying to figure everything out. It feels like no time has passed, but I also know there’s almost seven years of Auddie I barely know.”
“Yeah.” Audrey runs a hand through her hair anxiously, and a part of me worries she’s shutting down, I know she wants to internalize.
“You wanna get some sleep, circle back to this tomorrow or another day?”
She nods slowly. “Kinda.”
When she moves to stand, I let my hand reach for her. “I meant it when I said, ‘your time, your terms.’ I’m patient so don’t try to run before you can walk.”
