“Where is your brain skinny dipping?”Kiron shrugs me into the present.
“Nothing.Today is so overwhelming.I am new, but this is a momentous day for all of you.”
“No, dear.Today is a celebration for all of us, irrespective of where we are on our journeys.”Kiron puts a hand on my shoulder and gathers me in a hug.“You are our baby, but you are ours.”
I snort.“A thirty-seven-year-old baby who does not know his shit.”
Kiron wipes a tear from my eyes.“Everyone is on their personal trajectory.There is no first or last here.The best part is, wherever we are on the road, our paths have crossed.”
The duality of my existence is so apparent today.For almost twenty years, I struggled to find my space.Lonely among friends, family, and colleagues.While I longed for the queer spaces, I only managed an occasional watch from a distance.In both places, straight and LGBTQ, I did not belong.I had the vocabulary in the former, but I told only lies.In the latter, I wanted to tell the truth, but did not have the dictionary to stitch a decent sentence together.
“Kiron, do I have the credentials to call myself queer?”
“Oh dear, there is no exam you need to pass.”Kiron's kind eyes search my face.
“Yeah, but I have lived most of my life in a straight relationship.How do I meld into the culture?You all are kind and took me in.But, unfortunately, not every queer space is accepting and friendly.”
Kiron takes a deep breath.“You are right.The queer culture is not passed down in families.We are not taught in schools, and most of us don't have access to queer literature.We learn as we stumble through life, first when we realise we are different and then when we come out.No one queer person has an easier road than the other.The experiences are a spectrum like our sexualities.How did life treat you?”
I study the dish placement while I measure my words.“I lived in a walled city with a moat and no exits.The circles I moved in, my acquaintances, and my relations, all lived in this city.Unaware, ignorant, or in denial of the queerness in this world.The mocking and sneering did not help.Casual degrading of queer or trans people.Sniggering at gay or lesbian jokes.The words pushed me back.I wanted to fight my way out, but my protests were weak, like my efforts to live my reality.”
“Hmm, friends and family are so frustrating.You want to tell them, pour your heart out, and yet they are the ones who hurt you the most.”Kiron helps me place the plates and cutlery.
“The fear pushes us so deep inside.I had access to avenues for reading in college and the maturity to understand.The day I accepted loving another man is not a sin, my mind and heart were liberated from their cage.There were others like me, and if I tried, I could be free.”
“Then why did you continue?”Kiron asks as they place the soup bowls.
“Life is a set of choices.Sometimes, when you are at a fork in the road, you are scared, tired, desperate, and tied down.The well-trodden path is easier to take.Ma’s sickness.My fear of queer spaces.Reluctance to accept my label.All daunted me like a climb to Mount Everest.Shalini gave me an easy way out.I hid behind my worries over my sexuality, unwilling to give my ailing mother a death blow.Shalini took care of Ma, and, indebted to her kindness, I did everything to bring happiness to her life.I buried my true self.”
“How did you live such a life?”Jimmy's voice startles me.
How much of this conversation did he hear?
“Have you ever travelled on a passenger train?”I study Kiron and Jimmy's faces.
When they stay silent, I continue, “Our life had turned into a meandering train laden with pieces of baggage — parental pressures, social nit-picking, and our own expectations.Whenever moving forward became tiresome, we would stop.Halts that never seemed to end.A stasis in life.No feelings, no emotions.Not even arguments.Only two celestial bodies caught in each other's orbits.”
“What changed?”Kiron enquires.
I am sure they will not question me if I stay mum, but this is one truth I am free to share.
“Have you seen the movieAndhi?”I question them.While Kiron nods, Jimmy is perplexed.Highlighting again the difference in our ages.
“Old movie starring Sanjeev Kumar and Suchitra Sen.Controversial.Banned once.The movie is about a married couple who separate,” I clarify for Jimmy’s sake.“Anyways, we were watching a re-run of it in a cinema hall near our house.There is a song which became the highlight of the film.Tere bina zindagi se koi.”I hum the lyrics for reference.
Shalini and I had fought for a few days, and the matinee night was my way of making up for letting my frustrations take over.
“At one point in the song, the characters talk about an eclipse that lasts for nine years, and then the lyrics follow again.Hearing those lyrics and the scene made me question my life decisions.Whom was I fooling?Why was I hiding the sunshine from Shalini’s life?What about the darkness in mine?A switch went off in my head, and I blurted out to her.I want a divorce.”
“How did she react?”Jimmy looks on in concern.
“Oh, the cinemagoers got to watch two dramas for the price of one.”A wry smile breaks on my face, recalling the commotion.“Shalini is not prone to anger, but I guess her cup of woes had filled to the brim.”
Saying those words, however, was cathartic.By the time we reached our house, the vitriol of years had flushed out.The next day, we talked like adults.There was no going back.At least on our separate paths, we had a chance to find joy.
“You did tell her why you wanted a divorce, right?”Kiron enquires.
I nod.Remembering the day, I rub my left cheek.“Shalini has a mean arm.”
