Ah.This is what he meant.
“I will be your guide on this gay way of life.”
His downcast eyes and drooping shoulders trigger the protective instinct in me.I lift his chin and trace his swollen lips with my thumb before pressing it into his mouth, laying my claim on him.He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes.The opportunity is there to move things to the bedroom, but I want him to consider what I am offering with a rational mind.He is too turned on at present.So am I.
When he opens his eyes, I peck his cheek.“Think about this.”I wiggle my eyebrows, wink, and depart with a sly smile of a promise of possibilities.This is one outcome I had not counted on when I woke at four this morning.A trip to the temple is due tomorrow.
***
ADITYA
Once the door closes, I rush to the window in the lobby.Jimmy whistles and waves before disappearing down the road.I watch him walk away, my heart hammering against my chest.On the opposite wall, I glance at the man in the mirror.Hair ruffled, lips swollen, and spectacles tilted.Gosh, I want more of this dishevelled, blown-away Aditya.The light from outside, however, catches on to the few strands of grey hair and plunges me back into the shadows of my life.
Was I brazen?Should I have behaved more my age instead of coming across as a lust-filled, horny teenager?I must process each step on this journey before moving to the next.There is an entire swamp of regret to steer clear of, but I find it hard to do.Should I...should I not allow this indulgence?What will Shalini say?Will she be offended?Am I free from the shackles of my past to make a choice?
Yes, you do.Everyone has.
Or does not.What if I hurt myself?Worse, what if I hurt Jimmy?When presented with more than one path, we choose one way.Only to walk ahead and find, this is not what we wanted.But we have trudged too far down the road to turn.The choice is taken away from us.Who could understand this better than me?
Am I brave enough to live free of all the crumpled pages in my life?The concept is still alien to me.In the past year, I have read about the proud and out people living their best lives and pondered about their journeys.Would I have taken the road they took if the fork presented on my path?As a history professor, I try to read between the lines.Find the tipping point.The exact moment a person became a hero, a legend.The pages of history never capture the daily choices of the Maratha King Shivaji Raje or the brave Rani Padmavati.
I believe every being has an immense capacity to give love.But we hold back and share ourselves in pieces.What if I had found someone and shared my full power of loving them?Did I deny myself the possibility of a loving life by living a lie?Do I continue to deny myself the chance to find love?Jatin’s words come flooding back.I wipe my sweating palm on my tracksuit, take out my phone, and type a message to Jimmy.
Join me for lunch tomorrow.
I send the text to Jimmy before any doubts dissuade me.
I will cook.
My second text follows without waiting for Jimmy's response.The three dots appear and disappear, and a pit starts to form in my stomach.I release my breath at his reply, holding the phone against my thumping heart.
At your service, sir.
The mind conjures up images of the table setting on my porch and runs away, listing the dishes for the menu.Humming to myself, I make a list of ingredients and spend the rest of the day gathering stuff and preparing the fire pit.The hardwood lump charcoal and applewood chunks are stocked in my store.After rummaging through my kitchen supplies, I head to the weekly market to pick up the missing spices and condiments.
When I return, I am exhausted.Sleep comes fast, tucked in by the memories of the kiss with Jimmy, singing lullabies, and promising more exciting things the next day.
