“I went through something kinda similar with Meph,” Iris explained. “I hated demons, but I wanted him. We started messing around, and I thought it was casual. When he told me he had feelings, I wasn’t ready to go there, and then Valefor took Meph, and everything went to shit. I guess I sympathize with Murmur in that way. I really hurt Meph, but I felt justified in it. It wasn’t till I was faced with losing him that I realized how important he was to me. I hate that I couldn’t see it until I thought I’d lost him forever, but that was what it took. And damn if I didn’t learn my lesson. I’m never taking him for granted again.”
Suyin stared at her friend. Her eyes stung, and her throat felt like it was choking her. “I get it. I just … I thought you hated Murmur. You told me to stay away from him and not to trust anything he said.”
“Yeah, well, Bel told us everything Murmur said when he confronted him—how he’s been plotting this insane thing with Lucifer—and I guess, now that I understand his motives, I can see why he is the way he is. He doesn’t trust anybody, andthat’s smart for someone who lives in Hell. I’ve been there. It’s awful.”
“It’s not so bad,” Suyin said, thinking of Murmur’s library, the red-skinned demon who’d called her Mistress, and even the red sky and confusingly long nights.
Iris laughed. “Only you would say that.”
Suyin shrugged and suddenly thought about her parents.
Gamigin had been a demon, which meant that no matter how noble or loving he’d eventually become, at one point he’d been just as evil as any soulless being of Hell.
Had her mother struggled to come to terms with that when they’d first gotten together? Had she even known? Surely she wouldn’t have welcomed his presence initially if she’d realized what he was. Maybe Gamigin had lied to her and pretended to be human.
If that was the case, how long had it taken her to forgive him when she found out the truth? How had sheknownwithout a doubt that she could trust his word, that he wouldn’t hurt her or lie to her again?
She hadn’t, Suyin realized. Because that wasn’t how trust worked. Just like she’d told Murmur, there was no vow that could be sworn or contract that could be signed. Trust had to be given freely. It could never be bought.
No matter what had happened with Suyin’s parents, at some point Fay would have had to make the choice to trust a demon. She would’ve had to take a leap of faith, to listen to her intuition and choose to believe in someone with the power to hurt her.
And if she hadn’t done that, then Suyin wouldn’t exist and neither wouldThe Book of Gamigin. And then Murmur’s spell wouldn’t have come to fruition, which meant that when Lucifer killed Gamigin, there would’ve been no one else who knew of the prison and had the power to free him.
It was a bit of an oversimplification, but Suyin couldn’t helpfeeling like everything that had occurred all came back to her mother’s choice to trust.
And that felt pretty fucking important.
Iris’s voice cut through her revelations. “Look, I’ve been thinking this for days, and now I’m just going to say it, even if it’s harsh. You’ve been miserable since you kicked Murmur out of your life. You’re moping around, and no offense, but you’re acting like a bitch.”
“I know,” Suyin grumbled, shuffling a foot.
“I’m sick of seeing you pining for a demon who’s equally obsessed with you. I mean, he’s been stalking you from the moment he left. That was obviously one of his freaky ghost slaves who kept the plate from hitting your head back there. So hurry up and give him a second chance or just decide to get over him, because you can’t keep this up forever.”
Suyin stared at the ground. “I don’t know if I can get over him. I’ve been trying, and it’s not working.”
Iris smiled a little. “You’re in love.”
Suyin’s gaze shot to Iris’s. “What? No, I can’t—I’m …” Shit, she was, wasn’t she?
Iris’s amusement increased. “You definitely are. Don’t look so terrified—it’s not a bad thing. Have you even been in love before?”
Suyin thought for a moment and then shook her head mutely. Fifty years old and she’d never been in love—until now. God, in a way she was as bad as Murmur, and she understood his struggle in a way she hadn’t before. She hadn’t even been able to identify her own feelings until Iris pointed them out to her. How much worse had it been for him?
“This is a good thing,” Iris assured her, looking far too pleased with herself. “You love him, he loves you. Everybody’s happy.”
“I—” She swallowed. “What do I do?
“I think you know.”
“Fuck. Shit.” She was terrified and exhilarated at the same time.
“As eloquent as ever, Suyin.”
She peered into Iris’s green gaze. Iris smiled tentatively.
“Thanks for being a good friend,” Suyin said, suddenly feeling sentimental. All this love stuff was throwing her for a loop. “I know I’ve been a shit one, and I’m grateful you’re still here for me.”
“Oh, we were both shitty—”
