Because that old man had believed in him.
But as far as his personal life went, he had just never … Love seemed to take so much work. Just so much work. And that was why he told himself he and Jessie weren’t in love.
Because he really didn’t want to go through all that.
The ache in his chest intensified.
He decided to drive a different route home than he normally did. At least it wasn’t love. At least.
He kept on repeating the words to himself, but something felt wrong. Felt like a lie. He turned off the street he was on, onto a residential street, and it took him a minute and a half to realize that he had driven to his mother’s house.
She was standing in the front yard, watering her flowers. Flynn stopped his car in the street. Then he pulled over, getting out before he could decide what he even wanted to say.
“Morning,” he said.
“Oh,” she said, starting and putting her hand on her chest. “Good morning. I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Because I punched Michael?”
“Yes.”
“I suppose he didn’t tell you why.”
She shook her head. “I’m sure he deserved it.”
Her words stopped Flynn in his tracks. “Are you?”
“He can be … abrasive. He gets that from his father.”
Flynn held himself back.Oh, your husband’s not perfect? Your precious son isn’t perfect?
No. He didn’t say that.
“I didn’t realize,” he said again. “I mean, I realize I don’t have a great relationship with them, but I thought that was me.”
“I don’t think it’s you.”
Flynn swallowed and took a step toward her. “Mom. I have to ask you something. I don’t want you to lie to me, even if it’s hard. Just please don’t lie to me.”
“Okay,” she said, “I’ll try to be honest.”
He was on one side of the fence, and she was on the other, and it felt like a damned metaphor. “Is it true that you didn’t want me?”
She drew in a sharp breath. “Is that what Michael said?”
“It’s not why I punched him. But yeah. It’s one of the things he said.”
“I’ve never said that in front of him. I’ve never said that.”
“But did you?”
Her lip wobbled, and her eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t want you. I didn’t know how to have you. I made a mistake, going off with your dad. And I made a mistake leaving you behind. But I was young, and I was afraid. I thought I would never be able to start over if I had a child. It felt like too much baggage. And your dad already had kids. You were so close to your brothers, and I just thought youwould be okay. But I missed you. I got married to the first man who wanted me, because I was trying to justify leaving you. I didn’t want to be alone. I made a lot of very poor decisions. And by the time I realized how bad they were, it was too late to fix them. I never felt I had a right to you, Flynn. By then, I did want you, but I was worried about where you would fit in. And the older I get, the angrier I am at myself for that. For caring about what other people thought. For … I love my kids. All of them. But I didn’t love you very well. And whenever I see you … I’m afraid you’re going to tell me that.”
He felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach. Because he had finally gotten the courage to face down his worst fear, and his mom had confessed her own. And the truth was close to what he had always thought. That she wanted to believe he was more okay than he was. That she didn’t want to fully accept the ways in which her absence had hurt.
“I basically didn’t have anyone. Austin and Carson raised me. And now I don’t … I don’t fucking know how to love anybody. Because the only thing I know is that I worked my whole life to try to make you love me. And it just felt like you didn’t. No matter what I did. No matter what I did, you didn’t love me. And I don’t know what to do with that. I’m screwing myself over right now. Ruining my own life because I don’t know … I don’t know what love is supposed to feel like.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks, and he was shocked that they were actually having this moment. That there was honesty between them. He barely knew what to do.
