“We have legal and illegal dealings, Mia. Legal and illegal allies too. But let me be clear—I’m not ashamed of it. I might hide what I’ve done from the world because I’m not sure they’re ready to handle it, but I’m not embarrassed. I’m fucking proud. And I’ll share it one piece at a time and relish every time I do.”
“You really don’t care, do you? Not even about the fact that you’ve killed men?”
I smiled because I think she was trying to understand herself more than me. “Do you care? You’ve seen me take more than one life at this point. And you fucked me after on my Ducati. You care that I’ve killed men, Mia?”
“I … I don’t know.”
“If it helps, I’ve saved the ones worth saving too.” I shrugged. “Those I’ve gotten rid of did enough bad to outweigh their good.”
“Is that what happened to your father?” She brought her hands together and wrung them, asking the question quietly. “Callahan mentioned him last night.”
I let the assumptions hang in the air as the silence stretched between us. It would be a deciding factor for her, to choose me or run from me. Cal would want her to make the decision on whether I was a monster or not before she was completely invested in us. I wanted to punch him for mentioning Lex and my dad but also hug his dumb ass, because his meddling meant well. He wanted Mia to know me. The real me.
“If I told you it was?”
“I would say you were playing God and it’s a weight no one person should have to bear alone.”
“Cal helps. So do Bane and Dimitri and Olive and Pink and all the others. We’ve all got our responsibilities.”
“You lead as a team.”
“A family.Adamantem infractum manet.If you bring corruption we haven’t agreed upon, you bring death to yourself.My father did. His dealings with the Irish were brought to the forefront after Lex died. We uncovered that he was stealing, trafficking, and going against everything we’d agreed upon. His life needed to end.”
I knew that was the truth even as I saw the look on Cal’s face when I did it, even when I had to tell my mother, even when I took his seat and moved on without so much as a speech.
The monster in me didn’t feel bad. Didn’t mourn his death, and didn’t look back.
And Mia, for all her talk of moralities, didn’t seem to care about the rules or about the fact that I was basically admitting to killing my own father. She came to sit beside me and grabbed my hand, wrapping it in both of hers and pulling it close to her lap. “A son shouldn’t have to expose his own father.”
“I put a bullet in his head, Mia. I’m not a son. I’m a monster. I realize that, and you should too.”
“I think you did what had to be done to protect those you care about.”
“Maybe. And maybe we’re all monsters, because I think most of us would do the same for the people we care about too.”
She sighed and rubbed her fingers over my knuckles. “I don’t know about that. I’ve tried to live my life morally. Inside the rule book.”
“Then why did you take this job?”
Her mouth opened and then shut. I wanted her secrets too, and she was hiding one I wanted to pry out. They were mocking me, hiding in the shadows of her mind when I wanted them out in the damn daylight. Yet, sitting in this room with her and letting her in showed me I needed to give her space to let me in too. Trust couldn’t be forced, and I wanted her trust and loyalty more than ever before.
“Don’t tell me until you’re ready, Mia. But if you take a kaleidoscope to the world and turn it, you’ll see it in a lot of differentcolors. Good and bad. There are reasons people do what they do in the world. Judging them in one or two colors won’t really open you up to all of them.”
She chewed her cheek. “I wanted the academy job for a summer, and for it to be professional. That was all. Pretty black-and-white. Do my job well and be done. Now, I’m here and I’m mixed up in all this.”
“Nothing in this world is black-and-white.” I got up to find my clothes, and she stared at my chest the whole time. “Our relationship doesn’t seem to be that now either, does it?”
“We can make it that way.” She sighed and shrugged. “We should. We should make rules and draw lines. I can even make us a PowerPoint if we need one. I’m a teacher, after all.”
“Okay.” I smirked at her because her ass wasn’t getting just sex from me even if she thought she was. I’d let her think it, though, if that made her feel better. “Tell me how you want it to go, darling Mia. I’ll indulge you.”
“We’ll just …” She cleared her throat and stopped staring at my naked body to meet my eyes. “Clear our distractions when we have them, and then go back to boss and teacher afterward.”
I hummed. “That easy, huh? Tied up with a pretty pink bow, or is it fuchsia?”
“Right.” She nodded like she’d figured it all out and stood up like we were going to be professional all of a sudden. “A fuchsia bow. Perfect.”
I dragged a finger across her panty line and leaned in to whisper, “Let me know how it works out for you, darling Mia.”
