She’d never had the stability of having someone waiting for her, of knowing thatsomeone was there, knowing that she had someone to whom she could turn, to count on. It didn’t matter what had happened, how humiliated she had felt. He was the only one in her life who hadn’t abandoned her, even if she probably deserved it.
Turn on a dime, make the best of what you have.
She did exactly as she was told, and sure enough, the man did not move from his seat, didn’t move a muscle, as if some unseen force was holding him down. Jude raced back to the apartment, locking the door securely behind her, pacing until she was certain sufficient time had passed for him to have come back.
“Lux?” she tentatively called out, entering the main room of the club, slumping in relief when he answered.
“I’m here, little princess. I thought perhaps you were staying in tonight.”
Staying in,as she had for the last several weeks. The unspoken words hung in the air, and she swallowed hard.
“Did he . . . the man, did he — “
“He won’t be bothering you again.”
His words held a note of finality, and she knew there would be no further conversation around the issue. Jude thought that was probably for the best.They don’t see me coming until it’s too late.She gulped, nodding.I never pretended to be a white knight, princess. She wondered what he’d done, what he’d done in her service, before pushing the thought away. It didn’t matter.
He didn’t pretend to be a good person either, but then again, neither was she. She was an outsider, and he dwelled at the edges of the world, unseen and alone. They were the same, she decided. They were made of the same loneliness, for why else would they have sought out each other daily in these past months, why else would they have enjoyed the time spent in each other’s company?
He might not be a white knight, but he’d become her champion, despite his best efforts — black like the darkest shadows at the corner of the room, but shadows could not exist without light, and he’d been the only light she’d had since she’d been promised to Vin, perhaps even longer than that, if she were being completely honest with herself. He didn’t desire her, but he protected her, and she thought he might care for her, in his own way. And that was enough.
“Princess, that night — “
“Do you want to have dinner with me? You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to.”
She didn’t want to talk about that night. Didn’t want to relive her embarrassment or the things he’d probably witnessed afterward, didn’t want to remember her tears or the weeks ofsilence that had followed. That was behind them, and it didn’t matter. She let out a breath when she caught a glimpse of that shining crescent moon in his face.
“If it would please you, little princess, I would be delighted.”
***
The heat hit her nearly a full week before the moon. She woke up in the middle of the night in a puddle of her own sweat, the sheets damp and her heart racing. She ached with cramps, her whole body seeming to twinge, pain radiating from her lower belly. Probing her skin gently, she winced at the sensitivity there. Jude whimpered as she pulled herself from bed, staggering to the little bathroom in the hallway, where she kept a bottle of painkillers. She didn’t have another set of sheets, so she pulled the comforter up over the damp fitted sheet, crawling beneath the flat sheet, hugging a pillow. Hopefully she would just be achy and crampy for the week, she thought, trembling beneath the thin cover.
She should have known better. She was stupid, so stupid. Her only thought the previous month had been emergency contraception and her wounded pride, and she’d not thought ahead, hadn’t prepared herself.Thisis what a full heat looked like, evidently.
By morning she was gripping the comforter with clawed hands, curled around the pillow, her whole body trembling in need. She needed to get back on the fucking suppressants, as soon as this full moon had passed. She would need to find a doctor, but surely a seedy neighborhood like this would house some sort of walk-in clinic that asked a few questions and provided birth control on the fly. The full moon wasn’t until the end of the week, Jude realized miserably, her thighstightening around the pillow stuffed between them. No amount of self-satisfaction would make a difference, her fingers already glistened in her own slick, and the shallow shudders she was able to draw from her body only seemed to fan the flames engulfing her. She thought she might be able to take the edge off a bit, but it was only making it worse.
The following hours passed in a blur. It could have been two or forty-two, she had no idea, for the world had narrowed to a pain beyond tears. Every nerve in her body seemed raw and exposed, her skin oversensitive to touch, her ears oversensitive to sound, her nose twitching at every smell in a mile radius. Ifthiswas what it meant to change, if this was what came along with being a wolf, Jude thought furiously, they could keep it. Keep it and hang with it.
Even the slightest movement caused a lightning bolt of tension to flash up her core, aching and empty, clenching around nothing at all. Her fingers would not suffice, a toy would not suffice. She could stumble out of her apartment naked and offer herself up to the first passerby, and she knew it would not make a difference. She needed to be knotted, she needed to be fucked andknotted, knew it was the only thing that would ease the fire in her blood.
She would just need to hold on until he arrived. Vin would show up, would reliably show up to fuck her, just as he’d done for the previous four months. This one would be no different, and she would simply have to wait it out until he arrived. She would let him mount her, fuck her, knot her; she would hate him and hate herself, but he would give her the blessed relief she desperately needed until it passed, and she would somehow need to remember to breathe until then.
She had just hauled herself out of a bath, the only thing that seemed to help, when she heard the knock on her door. She was taking several baths the day, alternating between tepid coolnessto bring down the inferno in her veins, and scalding hot, in an effort to ease the aching crampiness she still felt. The short walk from the bathroom to her small bedroom was only a few steps, but she shook like the last leaf trembling on a branch in autumn, her nipples so achingly tight she wasn’t even able to hold the towel around herself.
“Jude.”
She stopped short, the chill of the hallway against her wet skin making her shudder. It was Lux. His white satin voice made her back arch and her cunt clench, desperation making her knees wobble. They had settled back into their quiet companionship since the day he’d followed her on the bus, and she was unwilling to do anything that would compromise that.
Reaching out to the wall for support, she gasped as the impact of her palm sent a lightning bolt of sensation through her. She was hypersensitive to everything, the fire beneath her skin feeling as though it would burn her alive, and he needed to leave. She didn’t want him to see her like this, didn’t want to humiliate herself again, for if she did so, she would surely have to flee. It was the first time she could remember him saying her name, she thought, collecting herself enough pushed off the wall and staggered a few steps to her bedroom door.
“Jude, I’m coming in.”
“N-no. Go away. I’m not feeling well. I-I don’t want you to come in.”
“Little one — “
“No!“ she exclaimed, her voice coming out louder than she’d intended, amplified by the small space. “I don’t want you here! Goaway, Lux. You don’t need to worry about me. This isn’t your problem.”
