She was attempting to jam a wedge between us. And after how close we’ve been getting? I won’t let her.
Not now. Not ever.
“How are you doing?” Zane questions as he finally takes a seat across from me in the booth. He slides over a mug of fresh tea since our last two were cold by the time we got back.
“I mean, I’m a bit shaken. To know that the people who hired me likely murdered the people they were pretending to be. And I know it’s not logical, but I’m kicking myself for not seeing through it. Shouldn’t I have sensed something? Anything?”
“You couldn’t have known. All of the employees went along with it; no one sensed anything was off.”
“I know, but still.” The warmth of the mug against my hands is soothing an ache in my chest. “I feel bad for them. I know that I didn’t know them at all, but from everything everyone said about them at work, they were good people.”
Zane starts to reach over and take my hand but hesitates.
Why? Because of what Brenda said? Or because he thinks I might have had more to do with this than he’s letting on?
“The FBI agent knows you’re not involved in their murders. If that helps at all.”
“Really?”
He nods.
“Is that what he told you outside?”
“Among other things.”
“Such as?”
Zane looks down at his mug as he holds onto it like a lifeline. “You know I don’t ever want to hurt anyone, right? I take no joy in causing anyone pain, and I’ll do anything to save a life.”
“I know you’re not a killer.”
“I told you. I’ve killed before.”
I swallow hard at the images of blood pouring out of the wound in my attacker’s neck. A wound caused by the very hands holding onto a teacup right across from me. “I know that.”
“Even before what happened last week. I’ve killed dictators no one will ever remember, taken out high-profile targets who were holding innocents hostage, and even those who were about to launch an attack that would have taken the lives of millions. Even with that, I tried to bring them to justice first. The only time I will pull a trigger is when it’s their life or someone else’s.”
“Zane.” I reach over to touch his hand now, and he stills beneath the contact. “I know that.”
“It’s important to me that you do. That you don’t think of me as a...” He trails off, swallowing hard. “As a violent man.”
And then it hits me.
He’s upset because he’s worried that I’m looking at him like I did my father. A man capable of horrific violence because it brought him pleasure to inflict harm on someone else.
“Zane, I know that.”
“Tessa, I hate that I’ve done it. I’ve begged for forgiveness, I’ve fought to find my way to the light whenever it would have been so much easier to descend into darkness.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “The others are the same. None of them takes any pleasure in causing harm, and I do believe—as twisted as it sounds—that we’ve made the world a better place.” Because I sense he needs to be heard, I don’t respond. “I killed three men running a sex trafficking ring last year. They’d captured a group of young girls from an overseas boarding school. One of them was the daughter of a politician here in the States. We got there, but we were too late for one of the girls. She was seventeen, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for that.”
His pain fills the space around us, and I squeeze his hand, hoping the contact will help him remain rooted in the present.
“I’m the one who found her. And when I did—I snapped. Sawyer pulled me off the man who killed her. He saved the monster’s life —until that monster drew a knife I hadn’t seen. He charged at me, and I took him down without a second thought.”
“He would have killed you otherwise. He killed that young girl.”
“Even then. Even knowing what he did to her. To countless others we’ll never know about. I still felt guilty doing it.” A tear rolls down his cheek as he’s thrust back into that memory, and it’s all I can do not to go to him now. To wrap my arms around him and hold him close.
“I’ve done bad things. And I won’t go so far as to say I’m a good man. But I’m trying. And if Brenda hadn’t sunk her claws into me, I might stand a chance at fully moving forward. Every mission, every set of orders, they put me back in that position of having to choose between life and death. Living life with your finger on the trigger is a terrible place to be.”
