I make the mistake of hesitating, and Geoff yanks me down onto a spare cushion. I cut him a furious look, mouthing, “I’m going to kill you.”
But he just shakes his head as if he can’t understand me, then gestures to the front of the room.
Ugh. This is thelastthing I feel like doing right now. I glance back at the door and then—what the fuck?—someone closes it. Am Ilockedinhere now? Surely that’s illegal?
“Today’s meditation is about fear and love,” the instructor says warmly.
I turn to Geoff with an exasperated eye-roll. I mean, really? This is a bit on the nose, even for Geoff. But he is studiously avoiding my gaze, so I look back to the front with a sigh. Maybe there will be another beach meditation to help me relax. At least this time I won’t crash into Myles—
His face appears in my mind and I mentally scramble to push it away.
I can’t.
“We’re going to start by taking a few deep, soothing breaths,” the instructor continues.
Oh here we go, more of this crap.
“Begin by closing your eyes and breathing in deeply at your own pace.”
At least I don’t have to keep up with the rest of the class, I guess. That’s something.
I begrudgingly close my eyes and force myself to take a slow, deep breath. As soon as I do, I feel at least half the tension drain from my body. Huh, he might be onto something. I take another breath, and another.
“It is often said that the opposite of love is hate,” the instructor says. “But it’s not. It’s fear. And we have the choice between living from love or fear.”
This is exactly the sort of new-age bullshit Myles would say, I think, drawing in another long breath. But this one catches on the way down, taking me by surprise. I’m never going to hear him spout new-age bullshit again, I realize with a sting. It drove me crazy, but—
Nope, I quickly remind myself. He let me down. There’s no point feeling sad about him.
“And it is often thought that fear is the enemy,” the instructor continues. “But it isn’t. When we are feeling fear about doing something new, it can be a sign that we are on the right track—pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone.”
Despite everything, a small smile touches my lips. That’s true when I think of the business.
“It has been said that fear is excitement without the breath. So when you are feeling fearful, try to breathe deeply. By breathing into the fear, you will see that it is not paralyzing, but energizing.”
I pull in a deep lungful of air, letting his words sift through my brain.
“Fear is helpful in many ways, because it wants to keep us safe. But it can hold us back from growth, from love, from becoming our truest selves. When our fear interferes with our intuition, then it’s hindering us. That’s why it’s important that you can distinguish between fear and intuition.”
My ears perk up at this last part. Myles was talking about intuition, how that guided him. It’s the thing everyone but me seems to have.
“We all have fear, and we all have intuition—even if we think we don’t. We just have to get past our fear to hear it. Intuition tends to come from the heart, whereas fear comes from the head.”
I open my eyes now, gaping at the instructor in disbelief. It’s like he’s been inside my head, been listening in on my own tangled thoughts.
“When you find yourself torn between fear and intuition, the right way forward is always guided by your intuition. The fear isn’t an indicator to stop, it’s simply an indicator that you care—that whatever you’re looking to do has great meaning to you. And that is exceptionally powerful.”
My eyes flutter closed as his words slowly sink in. For the first time since Myles walked away from me, I feel a tiny crack open in my heart, letting the light through. I’ve spent the past week being angry and suddenly I just feel so, so tired. I can’t keep the anger going, can’t keep that shield up around my heart.
“When you feel fear, you need to sit with it, to breathe in deep, and know that the intensity of it will pass. Now, we will take a moment to meditate on fear and intuition.”
Myles flashes into my mind again. And as I think of him, I think again of my confused, wayward inner compass, my intuition struggling to be heard through my jumbled, mixed-up thoughts about my ex, and my dad, and my business, and myself. No wonder I couldn’t hear it, couldn’t make sense of anything. What a mess.
But one thing is crystal clear through everything: the fear.
Myles was right—I was scared. Geoff was right, Alex was right. I was steeped in my fear, marinating in it, letting it consume me. Every time I thought Myles might turn out like Mark, or like my dad, or like any number of disappointing experiences from my past, my fear was speaking. It was twisting me up in knots, tugging me away from my intuition. Away from Myles.
But all that fear was just a sign of how much I care.
