Anger blazes in his eyes as he steps toward me. “Don’t youdaresay that. You don’t get to say that to me. You want to know why I left Nikki? Because I was miserable. Amber was—” He winces, glancing away. “Amber was the result of a one-night stand and a broken condom. When Nikki called me up a month after we slept together to tell me she was pregnant… I didn’t know what to do. I moved in with her, because it felt like the right thing, to try and make it work as a family. And it was okay for a while, but Nikki and I… we weren’t in love—not even close. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter, that I needed to be there for Amber. And I wanted to stay for her, I really did, but…” He looks down at the sidewalk, his jaw locked, breathing hard. My stomach is in free fall as he keeps speaking.
“One night Nikki and I had a huge fight. We fought a lot but this fight was our worst. And… Amber saw it. She was so shaken by it, and that’s when I realized that staying with Nikki just for Amber wasn’t the right thing to do, either. It was making us both angry and resentful. I tried to keep things amicable with Nikki after I moved out, because I wanted to be in Amber’s life. But Nikki wanted me to move back in and when I refused, everything blew up. She made it impossible to see Amber. And between paying child support and my loans, I didn’t have the money to take her to court.”
Myles meets my gaze, looking agonized. “I didn’t want to leave, but…” His voice breaks and he wrenches his eyes from mine, trying to pull himself together. I’m overcome by the urge to reach for him—to comfort him—but I fight it.
“In the end it seemed like the best thing to do was to leave town for a while. I figured if I gave her space, she’d eventually calm down and see reason. So I left, thinking it would work out. I was wracked with guilt. The longer I was away and the more Nikki told me how selfish I was, how I didn’t deserve to see Amber, the more I started to believe her. And then… I couldn’t bear the thought of settling down again—of trying to find another home—without Amber. It was easier to just drift, and work, and drink, and not have to think about what a mess I’d made of everything. And that was fine for a few years, until I ended up in the hospital because I’d blacked out drinking.”
I inhale sharply. An image of Myles in a hospital bed appears in my head and there’s a fierce tug in my heart.
“I met a doctor who told me about meditation and yoga, and I began both, determined to do better. Slowly, I started to heal and I learned that I’m not a bad guy, I just messed up, and I could repair that somehow. And that’s what led me back to the city. I finally felt like I’d faced my demons and I could start to build a new life, start to work toward my own dreams with my business. I want to be the best version of myself so that when I eventually get to see Amber, I can be a good dad for her.” He raises his steely gaze to mine.
“I never meant to hurt Amber. I’ve sent every child-support check, I’ve sent gifts for every birthday, I’ve tried to visit and been turned away by Nikki more times than I can count. When I sold my app I made nearly a million dollars, did you know that? I put half of that money into a trust fund for Amber. So you can say I’m just like your dad as much as you want, but I’m trying ineveryway to be better.”
I stand frozen on the sidewalk trying to process everything, but it’s an overload of information and I can’t make sense of it. He didn’t mean to leave Amber—but he did. He’s trying to be a good dad—but it’s not working. He sold an app—that wasreal?
I rub my forehead as if it might somehow help his words sink in. Despite the scrambled thoughts in my brain, one thing is very clear: he’s not like Dad. Dad never did any of that stuff. He just left without looking back, and I’m quite certain it didn’t haunt him in the way it seems to be haunting Myles.
I sit with that for a moment, feeling some relief at that realization. And yet… I can’t escape this feeling gnawing at me now, that things with Myles aren’t right. I went with my heart and let him in, but I had to ignore my head to do that, and that doesn’t feel right either. This whole mess just confirms it. And now my head is screaming louder than ever torun.
Because it’s not the stuff about Dad, I realize. He made this big deal about being honest, about showing your true self to the world and not hiding. He talked about how much he trusted me—made me feel like I could trusthim—and then he didn’t tell me this.
“I was going to tell you,” he says after a while. “I was going to explain what happened.”
I lift my gaze to his and shrug. “It doesn’t matter. The fact is that you didn’t. You had plenty of time to tell me, and you didn’t.”
“You’re right, I messed up. I should have told you. But I’m still the same person—I’m still the same guy I was a couple of hours ago. I still feel what I feel for you.” He scans my face, eyes filled with pain, and I force myself to ignore the way it sends a crack through my chest. Because this time, I know better.
“I’m sorry. I thought I wanted this, but… there’s too much doubt there now—about who you are, about whether or not I can really trust you.” I turn and start up the stairs, my heart juddering against my ribs, my eyes stinging.
“Cat—” Myles takes the steps two at a time, until he’s in front of me. “Don’t do this, not again. You’re pushing me away—”
“Yes!” I snap, gripped by irritation. “Of course I’m pushing you away! You kept something important from me, and now you just expect me to forgive you, like it’s no big deal.” I shake my head, mentally cursing myself. “This is just so typical,” I mutter. “I finally decide to put my heart out there—”
“But you didn’t really, did you?” Myles interjects, his tone laced with acid. “Because that lasted all of, what, a few days? And now you’re pushing me away again because things are getting too real. This is just your style.”
“Excuseme? What doesthatmean?”
“You know what it means. And it’s getting pretty damn boring, Cat.”
My mouth pops open in disbelief. “Are you actually angry right now? Because I don’t think you have any right to be.”
“Why not?” His eyebrows slash inward. “I put my heart out there too. At least I’mtryinghere. But you won’t let me in.”
“Is that why you’re mad? Because I’m not just forgiving you? You’re so used to women falling at your feet that you can’t take it when one doesn’t?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he spits, eyes sharp and dark with fury. “More of this ego bullshit? Do you even know me atall?”
“You know what I think the problem is, Myles? I think it’s that you don’t actually knowme. Because if you did, you’d understand why I’m upset right now.”
He growls, shoving a hand through his hair. “Idoknow you, Cat. That’s the problem—that’s what you don’t like. You can’t put on an act around me because I see through it. And that’s why you’re too scared to be with me, not all this shit about my past.”
His words hit me like a slap and I reel back, my breath lodging in my windpipe. “I’m not scared,” I say, but even I can hear the wobble in my voice.
He smirks bitterly, turning to watch a passing car before turning back to me. “You are. You won’t admit it to yourself, but you are. You want to know what’s so ironic? You’re always going on about how much you want to meet a decent guy, then when you meet someone who really cares about you—who would do anything for you—you push him away because you’re too afraid. It’s like you don’t even know what you want.”
“Well, I know I don’t want you.” The words rush out before I can stop them, then they hang in the air between us, so heavy and thick that I can’t breathe.
The anger in Myles’s eyes dissolves into hurt, and he lifts his chin, giving me a sad nod. “Fine. Then I’ll leave you alone.” He turns and stomps down the steps, the sound of his sneakers echoing along the quiet street.
