"I just don't know if I can get it. Is it like that? Christianity? Where some people can get it and some can't? I feel like I don't get it."
"Some accept Christ, and some don't, but it’s not His will that anyone should perish."
"Parish? See, it's all so formal and morbid."
"No, it's the opposite of morbid. I have no fear of death. If I make it seem unappealing, then I'm doing a bad job of representing it because it's great."
I was quiet for a long minute. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just rested there with her.
"So, this book's an instruction book for your soul?" I asked, finally. "Like anxiety?"
"Yes," she said, smiling and sounding excited at my interest.
***
My sister left that Bible in the kitchen for me.
I found it, along with a note, when I woke up the following morning, and of course, I cried. I cried even though I would be seeing her later that evening.
She must've left at like four in the morning. I got up at seven, and she was already in Reno. I would fly to Montana today and beat her there. So would the rest of our family. The plan was to be waiting at the ranch when she arrived, and we would all take part in the impromptu wedding ceremony.
I tried to have a level head, but thoughts warred in my mind. It had been that way in the last few days leading up to this trip.I was happy for Amelia, and ultimately, I thought everything would work out fine, but it was a lot for me to take in, and I was doing my best to stay calm and collected.
It was on the trip to Montana when things changed for me.
I was traveling by myself because I was the only one coming from San Francisco. I first had to fly to Salt Lake City, and the lady beside me fell asleep the second we took off. I had packed light, but I brought that Bible with me, so I opened it. I asked God to show me something.
I used my thumb to fiddle with the edges of the pages, and it opened naturally to a place near the middle of the Bible. I realized there was a piece of paper in there with a note from my sister. It was marking the place of Psalm 23, which was the part about restoring the soul. She left a note. I smiled because there was no way I would have remembered how to find that part. The instructions she gave me on the note said to read Psalm 23 and then to turn to page 1064 and read the Gospel according to John.
I did what she recommended.
The lady next to me slept, and for the next hour, I read. I read every word intently, not taking my eyes from the pages for a full hour. I was so enthralled that I got startled when the flight attendant made the announcement that we would be preparing to approach the airport in Salt Lake City. I was at the part where Lazarus had died, and I smiled and nodded at the lady next to me before turning back to the book to finish the story. I was right at the part when Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead. I knew it was going to happen because the chapter heading I had just read said it was. I finished the last few paragraphs where Jesus told him to come out, and Lazarus walked out of his tomb wearing his grave clothes. The next subtitle said 'the plot to kill Jesus', and I reluctantly put it away.
The words from a previous page were playing over and over in my mind. It was Jesus talking, and he said that whoeverbelieves in Him shall never die. It was written in plain English, and it made perfect sense.
All I had to do was believe.
Everything I had read made so much sense.How could I have gone through life judging it and thinking it was weird?I felt a crushing sense of regret for the time I had wasted not being able to see how important this book was. And then I felt a sudden sense of relief and joy at the idea that all I had to do was believe.Could it really be that simple?It was a question that was at the forefront of my mind. So much that I couldn't wait to read more during my next flight.
This flight was to my destination of Butte, and it was slightly shorter than my last one, so I planned to read the whole time. The lady next to me was in the mood to talk, and she made conversation with me from the moment we got settled in our seats. After an array of questions, I mentioned the Bible, and she seemed eager to talk about that. She was knowledgeable about it, and she confirmed what my sister said about finding relief and peace for her soul.
Nothing happened, and there was never a big moment when I felt changed or transformed, but I believed, and something inside me knew it was real, and that was all I had to do. I simply believed. I didn't take a class or get a license. I didn't get a notification that said my life was different from now on. All I did was believe, and it was enough. I felt in my heart that it was enough.
I was light-minded and seemed to be functioning in a different plane than I had been before. My mindset had changed. My perspective had changed. I didn't know how yet, but I could perceive that my life was better. It was all so new that I couldn't make much sense of it yet. I couldn’t understand how it would play out practically or how my life would change. I just knew Ifelt different. My mind felt changed in a good way, in a way that brought relief.
I thought about what Amelia said about 'next to knowing is knowing where to find out', and I smiled, understanding how important this book was. I felt like I would never be alone, and that was such a priceless assurance on a day when I woke up feeling quite the opposite. It was a sweet turn of events.
I got into the car my dad had arranged to pick me up at the airport, and I was smiling about life and Heaven and the Lazarus story.
Chapter 15
I took that Bible to Montana with me so I could insist that my sister take it back, but quite honestly, I had changed my mind, and I wanted it.
"What's got you grinning?" My driver was looking at me in the rearview mirror, and I had no idea. He knew where we were going. My dad had set up the driver through a trusted service, and I could see the GPS on his dashboard. I knew it would take us thirty-six minutes to the ranch. I had been talking the whole time on the plane, so I would have been content to be quiet in the car, but I didn't hesitate to answer his question.
"Oh, I'm just happy," I said, since it was the best I could come up with. "I'm happy I wore a sweater. It's cold here."
"Are you visiting family for Christmas?" The man reminded me of my grandfather on my mom's side. I would normally be guarded with people I didn't know, but I felt comfortable and relaxed with him.
