"You were mad at me last night."
"No, I wasn't, Ty, you get like this when you're having your period. You need to look at a calendar. I wasn't mad at you, I just said I didn't want you making out with that guy in a movie. You told me there wasn't gonna be any making out when you agreed to this, and now he's grabbing your waist and making out."
I felt a wave of nausea hit me again, and it was accompanied by anger.How could he be so selfish when I was dying and needing him over here?And then I replayed his words.You've been through this twenty times. You've been through this twenty times.
I glanced toward the house and saw my sorority sister peer out of the door and look around. I knew she was looking for me.
"Hey, I'll let you go. There's Anne Marie right here."
"Oh, so you can perk up now that your friend's right there," he said, sounding injured.
I let out a breath. My body was still buzzing with the feeling of panic, but it helped me to remember that I had been through all this before.
"I’m going back in there," I said, mustering up all my strength and trying to sound like a normal human being.
"Okay…" he said in a hesitant tone.
"What?" I said.
"Nothing, it's just that one minute you call me dying, and the next minute, you're fine."
"Jacob, I'm doing my best over here," I said, my body humming.
I couldn’t find the patience to reassure him when it was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart. I hung up with Jacob and checked myself in the mirror so that I could head inside. I felt angry and hurt. I resented the fact that I had called him for reassurance, and then I hung up feeling like he was mad at me.
In some way, though, his belittling my anxiety was what I needed. It was silly of me to let this feeling stop me from takingcare of things and living my life. I took a deep breath, letting the air conditioner hit my face for another few seconds as I patted my forehead with a napkin that was in my console.
"You've done this twenty times," I said out loud, talking to myself as my body was going haywire inwardly.
I opened my car door, and it beeped at me, making me realize I hadn't turned off the ignition. Clumsily, I went through the motions of turning off my car and getting out of it.
"You've got this. Just improvise something. No one expects you to say anything profound. You're not wasting anyone's time. Who else would do it? They obviously need you to do it, because no one else will." I mumbled all of these things out loud to myself as I made my way to the door. I knew Anne Marie would be standing on the other side because she had seen me get out of my car, and she waved at me.
"Where were you?" she asked as soon as I opened the door.
"I had to take a phone call," I said, ignoring the buzzing, urgent feeling in my body. I knew it wasn't medical. I knew this feeling came upon me when the lady asked me to speak. But my back was aching so much, and so was my stomach.
"I told Mrs. Lancaster where I was going," I said to Anne Marie, trying to act normal.
"I know, but we're ready to get started in there, and they were waiting for you."
"I'm good," I said, even though she didn't ask that. I walked with a determined stride. "I'm grabbing my purse, I'll meet you in the living room," I said, parting ways with her as we passed the entrance to the kitchen. I wanted to have my purse near me. My thoughts were scattered. I was consumed with noticing my medical state, but I knew I had to think of what I was going to say once it was my turn to speak. I thought of a few events we had planned for the upcoming year, and I began to mentally organize ways to present details. My body was not okay, but Iwas too stubborn to let anyone see that. I sat down in my chair, looking as normal as I could manage.
I listened to what the others were saying, and I told myself they needed me. No one else at the meeting was saying anything of great substance. It all seemed like extra or unnecessary information, and I felt a certain duty to inform them of some of the things I knew were on the horizon.
Talking to the group ended up not being a big deal. Ultimately, it felt like I was the best person in the room for the job. I was clearer and more direct than our president, who was a senior and spoke for a long time about the dwindling supply budget for the social next month. I left there feeling a lot better than I did when I called Jacob.
Chapter 2
Samuel "Sam" Allison
~
Los Angeles, California
A few days later
"Sam, Tommy was attracted to Chloe immediately, so when Lottie comes to you with this idea of assuming Chloe's identity, you're surprising her by being supportive of it. And Amelia, you're not saying anything right then, but I want your facial expression to reflect just a little surprise. Sam, you're fighting to hide your excitement because you've known Lottie for so long. You'll miss her and don't want to hurt her."
