"My heart, and my stomach. My back and my neck. And my… I don't know… my nervous system? Something's not right in here."
"Listen to yourself, Ty."
"I am. It's bad."
"No, it's not. You can't even decide what hurts."
"It all hurts," I said. "You have no idea what I'm feeling like right now." Tears welled in my eyes, and I adjusted the air conditioning vents to aim at my face. "You're just mad at me about the series."
"No, I'm not. See? You're making that up. That has nothing to do with this."
"I can just tell you're frustrated."
"No, I'm not, Ty. You're the one calling me like this. I'm sitting here with Eddie in the parking lot of… You can just go in, dude. I'm going to be a minute."
"See? I can tell by the way you're talking to him that you're frustrated."
"I was not frustrated, Ty. I'm the one who answered my phone. I'm the one who's sitting in here talking to you right now instead of going inside with my friend."
"See! You're mad," I said because his tone was direct and serious.
"I’m not mad. You make that up when you're like this."
"I'm not like anything. My body is panicking, but my mind is fine. I can hear you, and I can tell that you don't want to be helping me out right now."
"What am I supposed to do?" he said, in a helpless, agitated tone.
"Nothing. I don't need anything. Just tell me I'm going to make it—that my body's going to live through this."
"You know you are. There's nothing wrong with your body, Ty. We've already been through this same thing twenty times."
His tone was unfriendly, and there were a few curse words to emphasize his growing impatience. He was obviously disappointed that I interrupted his day. I was not feeling well, and I wished he could feel what it was like inside my body. I was mad at him for not caring more.
But I felt my panic lifting somewhat. His words had soothed something inside of me. Ultimately, he was right. I had been through this twenty times already. And every time, I lived. Most of the time, I was as right as rain by the following day. I assured myself that these bodily sensations, although extreme, were temporary.
"Why do you even get yourself in situations like this if you can't take it, Ty? I'm sorry, but you'd better think twice aboutgoing to Montana for that acting gig if you can't even handle saying a few words in front of some sorority women," he said.
I felt hot anger flood my body, an unwanted wave of it crashing over me. "That's the opposite of what I need to hear right now, Jacob," I said, trying to sound calmer than I felt.
"It's true, though. If the idea of saying a few words makes you this sick, just let someone else step up and be vice-president—just quit doing stuff like this where you have to get up in front of people."
My blood hummed, and hot waves of what felt like poison flooded my body. My heart was pounding, and beads of sweat gathered on my forehead. My body was short-circuiting. My nervous system was signaling my brain that something was on red alert. I was coming apart at the seams, and his advice was to tell me to quit. I wanted to go back to the part where he was telling me I would live and that I had done this before.
"You're so mean," I said, tears gathering in my eyes.
"What?" he asked in disbelief, like I had it all backwards.
"I don't need to hear that I should just give up on things, Jacob. I'm already hurting as it is. I'm already having to do my best to pick myself up and go back in there and do this. I don't need you to tell me I should give up. I need the opposite of that. I need you to boost me up and tell me I can do it."
"I already said that," he said defensively.
"You mean when I asked you to?" I said harshly.
"It's not that big of a deal to stand in front of those people and say a few words, Ty. That's what you wanted when you got yourself into leadership."
"It's like you keep blaming me instead of encouraging me," I said.
"How is this coming back to me and something I did wrong?" he said. "You're the one who called me. I was chillin' with Eddie."
